


Slowly learning that life is okay

by jamesisnotonheaven



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dina POV, F/F, Fist Fights, Friends to Lovers, God gave me feelings and this is how I cope with them, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Jokes, Slow Burn, Swearing, Violence, homophobic parents, jock Jesse, nerd Ellie, popular Dina, slowly learning that life is okay, this is probably also the stupidest thing I'll ever write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 68,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25996423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesisnotonheaven/pseuds/jamesisnotonheaven
Summary: Every adult says High School is easy. Maybe it isn'thard, but it sure can get complicated. You get parents expectations, university entrance exams and the worst of it all:feelings.As a new girl enters her school and her life, Dina's carefully balanced life is shaken. Nothing couldn't have prepared her for Ellie.ORThe High School AU where Ellie, Dina and Jesse are trying to survive school and their personal drama.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 153
Kudos: 522





	1. Dina - I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Principal Sofer was a nice looking woman, with her brown hair in a tight high bun on the back of her hair and serious brown eyes under glasses. She was a little older than Dina’s parents, maybe, though she had no apparent white hair. She always wore a skirt and a formal blouse, and right now she was looking at Dina over a file in her office. It made her feel weird, like she had let her down, or like she was in trouble.

“I called you in Dina,” it didn’t help she was also from the synagogue and knew Dina since she was a baby, “because we have this new transfer student coming, and she seems to be the rebellious kind,” there was a pointed look to the file and back up, “so I’m assigning you to escort her this first day. Show her the school. Get a feeling if she’s all the problem I’ve heard, please.”

“Sure, principal Sofer,” she waited for the woman to dismiss her, subtly checking the time on her watch.

“She must be waiting outside, can you please send her in?,” Dina stood up when she nodded her out with a smile. “Have a good day. _Shalom._ ”

_“Shalom.”_

She stepped out of the office, closing the thick wooden door to see the principal’s assistant giving the stink eye to a girl slouched on a chair. She had reddish-brown hair, barely touching her shoulders, the top tied in a tiny ponytail. The girl had her backpack over her knees, and earbuds on.

“Hello,” she smiled brightly at the girl, pointing at the door behind her. “the principal wants to see you.”

The girl gave her a tentative, thin-lipped smile, nodding and murmuring a thanks before entering the office. Dina sat at the chair beside the now empty one, stretching her legs and taking her phone out.

 _‘where are you?’_ , she read the message from Jesse, immediately unblocking and typing an answer.

_‘Principal’s office. We have a new student!’_

_‘transfer student? she looks cool?’_ , she could sense his curiosity through the phone.

Dina stopped, thinking for a second. _‘Hard to say. She looks shy.’_

 _‘cool. also, i need help with math :(,’_ he said, and she could almost see his sad face in front of her. 

She chuckled, and heard the doorknob twisting, quickly typing away a _‘I’ll help you at lunch. GTG’_

The girl opened the door, her green flannel open over a white t-shirt and lines on her forehead.

“Uh- hello,” her voice was a little raspy and she looked over her shoulder in time to see Sofer closing the door. “You showing me the school?”

“Yes,” she smiled again, extending her hand towards her, “I’m Dina.”

The girl was a bit taller then her, and narrowed her eyes with curiosity before shaking her hand, “Ellie.”

Ellie’s hand was cold, and she was quick to retrieve it and scratch the back of her neck.

“So, can I see your timetable?” she asked, leading her out of the anteroom. Ellie took a folded paper off her pocket and silently handed it over. 

Dina squickly canned it, checking how far her next class was from hers and then the map on the other paper. She explained the names of the buildings, how the numbers signaled the floor and the rooms while she walked Ellie to her History class.

“Be careful with Ms. Simmons,” she said in a conspiratory voice, making Ellie tilt her body towards her, “she can be really boring. And evil,” she smiled again, walking back at waving, “Follow the horde, I’ll come back to walk you to Geography!”

She stared long enough to see the new girl look half-puzzled, half-amused before entering the classroom.

And then she ran to get to French before the bell rang.

“You’re late,” Bonnie whispered, surprised. Dina had perfect attendance since day one from their first year, but she rolled her eyes.

“I wasn’t really late. And I don’t think they’ll mind this week; Sofer wants me to show the school to the new girl.”

“New girl? But school started like, two months ago?” Dina shrugged, copying the exercise.

“Maybe her parents just moved recently,” she kept working, only half of her mind on the conversation.

“Right. Could be,” Bonnie started to copy stuff on her sheet and then turned to her, “Or maybe-”

“Maybe you can copy your exercise, Bonnie,” Ms. Gavalda said in French, and Bonnie’s ears became almost as red as her hair.

“ _Oui_ , Ms. Gavalda,” she said, voice down and begrudgingly picking up the pencil. “I hate French! I wish I had taken Spanish!” she whispered, and Dina chuckled.

“Then you’d meet Ellie,” she smiled at Bonnie, now moving on to actually answering the questions. “And you could ask her what she’s doing here.”

Bonnie only mumbled something under her breath, regretting her past life choices that led her to French. The girl had this bright red hair always french-braided down her back, which sounded kinda ironic to Dina after her hate towards the language. She had clean blue eyes, now sad while she looked at the blackboard.

Dina and Bonnie were friends since the beginning of high school, when Dina saw her walking to school and just started walking with her. And then they grew closer over track training. They were now in their third year, having survived with a lot of coffee and leg stretches.

The bell rang and they quickly exited the room. Bonnie and her parted, and she hastily walked towards the building Ellie was in, nodding and waved at a lot of students as she passed them in the halls. The girl was waiting for her at the front, hands on the pockets of her black skinny jeans, looking around.

“Hey,” Dina greeted her, always smiling. Ellie nodded and fell beside her. “Did you sleep?”

Ellie frowned slightly, a small smile tugging at her lips. “It was hard, but no.”

“You’re stronger than I am, Ellie,” she said while they climbed the stairs. They had to walk fast not to be late, and she saw Ellie had no problem keeping up with her. “Her voice is better than ASMR” She stopped briefly at the top of the first flight. “Up one more floor, to the left. If you reach the bathroom you walked too much.”

Ellie nodded, going up a few steps before Dina called after her, “And don’t sit at the front!”

“What?” she looked so confused Dina had to laugh.

“Just trust me,” and she waved before running to her Chemistry class.

She snickered to herself as she sat down beside Jesse, really hoping Ellie wouldn’t sit at the front, or else she was going to be showered in Mr. Boulos spit. He was an older man, looked a lot like the grandpa from “Up!” and had an awful habit of spitting while he lectured.

“What are you laughing about?” Jesse asked beside her, smiling at her. He was still growing his hair out, his tanned skin reminding her of their summer playing around in pools before he went to California.

The bell rang and he slowly moved to take his notebook out as Dina opened her binder.

“The new girl, Ellie?” He nodded, dark eyes focused on her, “She’s having Geography with Boulos now.”

He made a disgusted face, laughing afterwards. “Oh no, did you tell her to sit in the back?”

“I did! I hope it still had seats far from him.”

He looked uncertain, both knowing well enough Boulos was one of the few teachers that managed to have all the class in time because everyone just tried to outrun the others so they wouldn’t have to sit at the front.

Mrs. Aebischer dressed like a hippie, and let her long dark hair fall down her back as she explained chemistry concepts, how to balance equations and calculate mols. She was too serious, though, and it was one of the few classes practically no one ever spoke during.

Dina had again, only half of her attention on the class. She couldn’t really stop thinking about Ellie. Why did she start attending after the official start of the semester? Did her parents move, like she told Bonnie? Was she really a trouble-maker like Principal Sofer said? But she didn’t look like a trouble-maker. Ellie was cute. That stopped her train of thought: what would a trouble-maker even look like?

She thought about Ellie, of her guarded face, her awkwardness. And then the way she walked with squared shoulders and confident steps. Who was she really?

“I don’t get anything she’s writing right now,” Jesse murmured, the panic in his voice bringing her back. “I can’t fail Chemistry too, it’s hard enough with Math alone!”

“You’ll be okay, just like last year,” she reassured him, smiling. “We’ll help you, don’t worry.”

“Thank you, because I’ll need it.”

Ellie looked pissed when they met her at the staircase.

“I take there were no seats left at the back,” Dina asked, touching her arm trying to comfort her. Ellie just shook her head.

“They should’ve warned me I needed to bring a fucking umbrella,” her green eyes flashed annoyance and she was as stiff as a board until Dina and Jesse busted out laughing, remaining tense, but somewhat less tense.

“Ellie, this is Jesse,” she said, introducing them and walking down the stairs to her next class. 

“‘Sup, man?” Jesse said with a smile and Ellie nodded at him, still kinda pissed at the teacher. “You gotta be fast for Boulos or you better bring a raincoat.”

“I think I’ll bring both to be sure,” her voice was hard and grumpy, but she had a miniscule smile on her lips.

“So, what do you have now?” Dina asked when they arrived at the ground floor.

“Actually, I think I’ll manage on my own,” Ellie scratched the back of her neck, not looking at her. 

“Are you sure you won’t get lost?” But Ellie only rolled her eyes

“It’s a _school_ , for fucks sake.” Then she took the folded paper from her pocket, looked at it and walked away with a quick goodbye.

“Okay, I’ll see you at break then,” Jesse said, turning his attention from the space between the students where Ellie had vanished to her. “At least now you can keep your perfect attendance.”

He winked and she punched his shoulder, walking towards her Math class while Jesse took another corridor to get out of the building.

There was a green flannel girl sitting at her desk.

“Oh, I should’ve remembered I saw you had Math two with me!” she smiled at the girl as she sat beside her, opening her binder. Ellie looked surprised to see her, eyes wide and pink cheeks. 

“I- Yes.” She brushed her nose with the back of hand, turning towards her closed notebook. 

She wasn’t one to speak a lot it seemed, and Dina watched as she spun a pencil over her hand, looking at the blackboard, sometimes at her with the corner of her eye. The bell rang and Ms. Junod came inside, blond hair in a pixie cut and kind eyes behind thick-framed glasses.

“You wanna eat with us at the fifteen-minute break?” she asked Ellie, but she shook her head.

“I gotta do a thing,” was her simple answer, and Dina frowned. She wanted to know what thing, but she didn’t want to push, so she just stretched her legs.

“Well, we’re gonna have lunch at the cafeteria,” she said, somehow always smiling. “You should come sit with us.”

Junod started to explain the topic, all excited and writing formulas and exercises on the board with the chalk. It seemed like Ellie was somehow lucky they were starting a new subject, so at least in Math she wouldn’t have to worry about catching the material in the middle.

She watched Ellie, her round handwriting as she copied the exercises on her notebook and hummed at her as an answer. They both worked in silence solving the expressions, and Dina saw Ellie’s brow furrowed in concentration. Concentration, not confusion, like she was used to seeing on Jesse’s or Bonnie’s.

She tried to focus on her algebra, it all unfolding neatly in the paper in front of her. Math was all about finding the pattern and repeating it where it applied. It was repetitive, and it was almost relaxing. It was easy to see what she needed to do once she found the type of problem it was. Easy to figure it out.

She glanced at Ellie.

Not so easy.


	2. Dina - Oh, you make me live

Jesse and Bonnie were also surprised with the news that Ellie was in Dina's Math class.

“Didn’t know she was _that_ smart,” Jesse said and Bonnie nodded alongside him.

“Yeah. Oh, you know what I heard?” Bonnie turned to Dina, biting down on her banana. “They are saying she’s some kind of delinquent. Maybe _that’s_ why she transferred.”

Dina shrugged. They were sitting on the courtyard and everyone that passed by waved at them. Dina always smiled and waved back. It came naturally to her, this ability to mingle perfectly with every group, to find ways to make them laugh and open up to her. And so all of them always waved when they saw her, and she smiled back at them. Easy. Uncomplicated. 

“Maybe her old school was too easy,” she said back, a part of her feeling the need to defend Ellie. “Anyway, do you have practice today, Jesse?”

He nodded, eating his second protein bar.

“Do you want to grab a coffee with me later?”

“What about me?” Bonnie exclaimed dramatically, “am I not invited?”

Dina didn’t even fight the eye-roll. 

“We both know you were already coming.”

“Yes, I am!” Dina checked her watch before standing.

“I’ll see you at lunch,” they waved at each other and she left for her locker.

She sat through three more classes, making small conversation with people beside her. A lot of them seemed curious about Ellie, especially after the rumours she was some kind of trouble-maker, but Dina dismissed them. It wasn’t really fair to say those kinds of things before really knowing the girl, right? 

Besides, you can’t really trust rumours, isn’t that what you learned with that telephone game? The farther it goes down the line the less likely it is to be correct.

That didn’t stop Dina wondering if they were true, though. Why would the principal ask her to evaluate her if she wasn’t a problem at all? What a reputation she must have.

She met her friends at the cafeteria, now complete with Mike, who was also on the football team with Jesse, Lucas and Emma. They were chatting and laughing, and she sat beside Lucas with her food tray.

“Hey guys,” she said with a smile, immediately looking around for a green flannel. They said their hellos back, quickly resuming their conversation while she kept scanning the cafeteria.

Yep, no sign of Ellie.

Would the Sofer want her to search for the girl? Nah, she was probably fine. Right?

“Hey. Dina.” Lucas elbowed her, making her turn her attention to him. It looked like maybe he had been calling her for a while now, “so, the new girl. How is she?”

The thing was… she had no idea. The only thing she could say that maybe he didn’t already know was that she was good enough at Math to be in Math 2. 

“I don’t know, this is only her first day,” she shrugged, letting her eyes wander through the tables again, “you can’t know a lot in just one day.” As no one seemed to have any interesting thing to say about Ellie, the topic quickly changed. 

Mike and Jesse were on the football team together and were eating these massive pieces of meat with their protein shakes. Mike was black, hair shaved around the head and longer on top. He was taller than Jesse and both were always doing competitions to see who could bench press more weight. 

“I bet I can drink this faster than you,” he said, deep voice cocky while he pointed at Jesse’s bottle. 

They also did stupid competitions like those.

“No way,” his smile matched Mike’s and they both shook their bottles before tapping them together as if it was a toast, “when you lose, you’re writing my math homework.”

“When I win, you make my Spanish.”

“Deal.”

They started to chug it, and Emma turned her back to them, face as bored as before, though Dina could see a glint in her eyes.

“I bet Jesse will lose,” she said, blue eyes not even looking at the boys. “Mike doesn’t even have a gag reflex.”

They saw the boys behind her struggle for a second.

“That’s true,” Bonnie said, face a serious mask, “I’ve seen him put a whole co-” Mike lost it first, coughing and with an accusatory look at Boonie, who just smirked and kept talking, “corndog in his mouth once.”

Jesse finished his drink, a bit on his chin after a failed attempt to not laugh.

“Oh hell yeah! Good luck next time, bud,” he smiled and burped before high-fiving Bonnie.

“We all know that wasn’t fair,” Mike started, looking between them with a defeated face, knowing full well it was how it worked. Sometimes you won, sometimes they made you laugh before.

Dina tried to help Jesse with his math, because even if Mike was doing his homework, he wasn’t taking the test for him. Jesse had a hard time when the math concepts were abstract, when he couldn’t really draw or imagine a real scenario. She had to really focus to help him, and that made her unable to think anymore about the infamous new girl.

“Time to go,” Mike said, sadness lingering in his voice. They packed their materials, one of the first to leave the cafeteria to not be trapped in the student horde that would soon be leaving.

And just outside, was Ellie, casually with her back against the wall.

“Ellie?” The girl looked almost surprised, as if Dina hadn’t told her she would be there.

“Hey,” Ellie straightened herself, tugging at the straps of her backpack. She looked behind Dina, to all of the new faces and remained glued to her spot.

“You guys go ahead, I’ll meet you later,” and her friends just kept walking, though all of them looked at her over their shoulders. “You could’ve had lunch with us, you know.”

“Right,” Dina couldn’t help but notice the freckles on her cheeks over the slight blush on them. “I- Um. Can you tell me where I go for English? I have it with Mr. Moore.”

She raised one eyebrow, smirking at Ellie.

“Oh, so you’re lost?” The girl just narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms.

“I’m not lost. I just lost my map. And I still don’t know all the names of the buildings.”

“Whatever you say, lost girl”, she held Ellie’s hand, tugging her towards the window and pointed at a building. “That one. Take the left door, second floor on your right.”

“Right,” Dina looked at her with a smile, but Ellie was looking at the building. “Thanks.”

And then she just started walking towards it, scratching the back of her neck.

“Wait!” Dina took her phone out of her pocket, handing it to Ellie, “send me your timetable so I can tell you where to go.”

Ellie quickly typed her number, and Dina sent her a message so she could save her number too. She gave Dina another thin-lipped smile before saying “thank you” and walked towards the building.

Maybe Dina should use that line to get cute girls’ numbers.

As she moved through the afternoon classes she wondered if Ellie was lost in them. If she was understanding the topics, even after arriving in a parachute out of nowhere in the school. Dina could see her face outside the cafeteria, begrudgingly saying she needed help, and a smile tugged at Dina’s lips. She was kinda cute.

But a question still remained: was she really trouble? 

Dina didn’t need drama in her life.

When the last bell rang, she picked the small bag that had her training clothes and went to the changing rooms with Bonnie. She talked a lot, but Dina’s attention was only half on the conversation. Not knowing if there was a bigger reason for Ellie's transferring and the test week getting closer took great part of her thoughts.

Coach G, as they called her, said the training that day would be more of an enduring type, and so they stretched and ran around the school grounds, lap after lap.

It was relaxing, to not have to worry about anything besides where her next step should land. Dina only had to worry about breathing, about maintaining the pace and keeping a good running form. Her mind was empty, and she welcomed the burning in her muscles.

There were no distractions during track practice, no grades and no colleagues. It was only her, the air and the ground. It was like meditation or yoga, but running.

She was Jesse and Mike in the field, tossing the ball at each other. 

The wind was starting to get colder, and the sky was still clear.

Breathe in. Breathe out.


	3. Ellie - Should I stay or should I go?

She fucking hated first days. She hated not knowing where to go, if the teachers were rude or if her classmates were arrogant. And this school was just so big, she wasn’t surprised they gave her a map. 

And then she lost it.

She sighed at herself, tying her shoes and leaving the gym. It was nice that they now lived close enough to the school she could walk to it and that she had found a gym not so far away either.

It hadn’t been as bad as Ellie had expected, though. There was that obviously popular girl, Dina, that helped her. She’d pointed her to the right buildings, gave her the best routes and tips to avoid being spat on. That Dina girl was nice.

And she was beautiful. Dark hair pulled up in a ponytail, her thick eyebrows and her kind brown eyes. Tanned skin, strong nose and a nice smile. 

Which made sense since she seemed to smile all the time. 

Ellie caught herself smiling too, in the middle of the street, and quickly frowned. What the fuck?

With her earbuds on, she went home.

Was she making a friend? No, it was too early for that. But Dina seemed nice enough… Would she want to befriend Ellie, though? The whispers travelled fast, and she saw a bunch of students already looking at her with suspicion. Was it over before it even started?

She straightened her back, tugging at the straps of her backpack. She had survived alone before, it wouldn’t be hard to live another two years like that before heading to university. 

And she wasn’t alone, she had Joel.

Ellie checked her phone, wondering if he would be home already. Should she try and do something nice for him? Maybe not, the old man could have a heart attack from the surprise. 

He would probably ask her about school, though. 

_“Oh yeah, Joel, some pretty nice girl showed me the school, can you believe that? But that was before the gossip, so I don’t really know.”_

Yeah, maybe she should just say it went fine.

“Ellie?” she spun so fast on her heels one of the buds slipped off her ear.

The pretty girl from school, Dina, was sitting on a table outside a café, sipping on a coffee and with a smile on her face. She had Jesse and a ginger girl beside her too, their notebooks open. She waved Ellie over, and for some reason, she saw herself walking to their table.

“Hey,” she said, hearing how awkward she sounded. Jesse nodded friendly at her and the redhead just stared.

“Would you like to sit with us? I could really use some help here,” Dina pointed at the open notebooks in front of her, “it’s kinda hard to split my attention.”

Did Ellie have things to do at home? She knew she only had some Math homework, but that was easy enough that she wouldn’t need to go home just yet. She could lie, say she had stuff to do. Should she lie? She didn’t know these people, but how would she without trying to spend some time with them? And Dina just looked at her with those big brown, half invitation and half pleading puppy eyes.

She sighed to herself, not believing her actions when she pulled the chair and sat on it, in front of Dina, who just beamed, perfect picture of happiness and relief. It wouldn’t hurt to help them. 

“I don’t know if I can help,” she said quietly, but with a quick glance to Jesse’s notebook she knew she could, “oh, you gotta divide the exponents here first, you’ll get to the answer faster,” she pointed at the equation on the paper.

“Oh. Thanks, man,” he erased and corrected it, brow furrowed in concentration. Ellie could feel eyes on her, but she ignored them, instead helping Jesse with his work.

It’s not that Jesse was dumb, she noticed, he just seemed like he couldn’t focus, often overlooking important details on the problem or missing a part of the expression he had to solve. Once he actually got to the point where he could just “do the math”, he solved it quite smoothly.

Dina worked well with the redhead, though she seemed a lot more frustrated than Jesse.Dina seemed calm through it all, patiently explaining how to solve the problems. 

She was glad she was with Jesse then, she probably wouldn’t have that much patience.

Ellie checked the time on her phone. 

“Uh… I gotta go,” she said, nodding at the three and standing up. Her backpack suddenly felt heavy. 

“Oh shit, I’m going to be late for dinner,” the redhead said, closing her notebook and tossing everything inside her backpack with extreme speed and without any care.

And just like that, the four of them were walking in the same direction. 

Why did she feel so weird?

“I can give you a ride too,” Dina said when they reached the end of the block, but Ellie just shook her head.

“Nah. I live close by.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Thank you, though.”

She nodded, turning towards her car, and Ellie waited for the light to turn red so she could cross.

“Hey, Ellie,” Dina called again, half-yelling, one hand on the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow! In the cafeteria!”

Ellie felt a smile tug at her lips, and she raised a hand to wave them off.

‘I’ll be a few minutes late for dinner’, she typed and turned her music on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll alternate chapters, so maybe it's be two from each and repeat


	4. Ellie - Part of your world

“How was school?” Joel asked over his plate of spaghetti. He was hard to read when you didn’t know him, but Ellie could see through his hard exterior, the subtle ways he showed his emotions. She could see the curiosity and the concern in his face.

She shrugged, her own brow furrowing in thought. She remembered how the teachers weren’t evil at first sight, how the school had assigned someone to show her around. And how she already had quite a lot to catch up now.

“It was okay,” she thought of Dina, of her bright smile and her deep eyes, “kinda weird, actually. A girl talked to me.”

“How is that weird?”

“I don’t know, you know people don’t usually want to do it,” she said nonchalantly. “She was nice, though.”

Joel hummed, the lines in his face softening.

“That’s good, kiddo,” Ellie sipped on her glass of water, “is that why you were late for dinner?”

She nodded, the tiny small smile finding a way to curl her lips.

“Yeah, we were studying. I mean, me and her were explaining Math to some of her friends.”

Was that weird? That she just sat at a cafe with a bunch of classmates on her first day of school to help them with Math. She didn’t know any of them yet. Ellie supposed all friendships had to start somewhere. _Wait, no, calm down. You’re not friends yet, let’s not get ahead of ourselves._

Joel hummed. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but didn’t. Instead, he stood up and put their empty plates on the sink. “Glad to hear that, Ellie,” she could hear the soft relief in his voice, the hopes he had for her.

It was too soon for Ellie to have hopes herself.

“I’m gonna go study… Catch up with all I’ve missed,” she stood up too, taking the glass of water with her. “Don’t sleep on the sofa, I don’t wanna hear you complaining tomorrow, old man.”

He let out a short laugh. “Yeah, sure.”

She walked down the short corridor to her room. Their house was small, but Ellie had her room and most importantly, it felt like home.

Ellie sat at her table, first doing the homeworks the teachers gave at the day and then beginning catching up with her classes. She was late, but it was not that she had a massive lot to study; it was just that all the fair amounts in each class made it look like it was a lot.

She couldn’t stop her mind from wondering about that girl and her friends. Had they not heard about the rumours yet? Did they not care at all? Ellie had noticed how Dina and her group were popular. They were very weird, indeed.

She sat back, pulling her notebook from the backpack, mindlessly writing her thoughts about these new kids. She caught herself halfway through a drawing of Dina, smiling.

_What the fuck?_

She almost erased it, but it wasn’t like anyone was going to read it, and she supposed it was good for remembering it in the future, just in case she started to forget stuff. One day she was going to get old like Joel, and memory couldn’t be trusted.

She let Dina’s face remain. Whatever.

She walked to school with her earbuds on, checking the timetable picture on her phone. She could find the Biology room on her own. She almost found the English classroom the day before, it was just luck Dina found her outside the cafeteria after Ellie had been standing there for almost twenty minutes.

_‘Hey, Ellie!’_ read the text from Dina, _´You have to go up all the way in the main building in the stairs close to the library ;)’_

Ellie looked around, wondering if Dina could see her looking lost. _Looking_ , because she most definitely was not.

_‘Thanks,’_ after a few seconds she forced herself to add a smiley face out of politeness. God, why did she feel so embarrassed over a simple text?

_‘No problem,’_ came right after. Ellie put her phone on her back pocket, climbing up the stairs.

The Biology classroom was the only room on the fourth floor, at least from those set of stairs, and Ellie managed to sit just before the second bell rang. The teacher’s voice was gentle, and she explained all about cells, mitosis and meiosis and about the DNA.

_“If I were an enzyme, I'd be a DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes,”_ she remembered the joke/pickup line, smiling at herself. It was so stupid, where had she heard it again? 

Ellie shook her head, turning her attention back to the class. She caught a boy looking at her: dark eyes, short hair with soft curls, glasses on his nose. He had a tan on his skin and shot her a quick smile when their eyes met before looking back at the teacher. 

What the fuck?

When class is over, they are together at the door, waiting for the rest of the students to go through. “Hi. My name is Lucas,” his voice was chirpy, and he smiled again, “Dina told me she invited you to have lunch with us.”

Her eyes narrowed, unsure of what he wanted. Was he some of those people that seemed nice and smiled while they made threats? Lucas kept looking at her expectantly as they walked down the corridor. 

“Ellie,” she nodded at him, feeling uncomfortable. She didn’t really know what to say after that. Should she just confirm that she was invited? Apparently she didn’t need to worry, because he just walked down the stairs beside her.

“Well, I have to go to History, but I’ll see you at lunch, bye,” and then he turned after the first flight and was gone in the sea of students.

Ellie pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing and looking for her next class. She was confused with the lack of organization in how they sorted the classrooms and with the behaviour of her peers. Specifically Dina’s friends. The rest of the school didn’t really talk to her, and she didn’t blame them, for she was the new transfer kid. Some of them whispered as she passed by them, but the vast majority ignored her. Maybe they didn’t care, maybe the gossip hadn’t caught up to them yet. 

Being ignored was easy. It was familiar.

Now the attention Dina was giving her was unsettling. She couldn’t really understand why. Why was she talking to her? Actually, Dina was easy, because she knew the principal had asked her to show Ellie the school, but her friends? 

The coffee from yesterday wasn’t a thing the principal would require in the tour, either.

Fuck that, she was probably just overthinking stuff again. 

As the second bell rang she quickly realized she had a lot of classes with Dina’s friends.

She went to Physics with Jesse, who to her surprise had a better grasp at it than in Math. Emma was in her English class and Lucas in Biology. Bonnie, the redhead from yesterday, seemed as lost in Chemistry as she was at the café.

And that was only her morning.

“Hi, Ellie,” an excited voice greeted her, and she lifted her face from the phone to see Dina smiling at her, “are you having lunch with us today?”

She opened her mouth. Closed it. Did she want to? A part of her wanted to try having lunch, try this loosely-forming, thin friendship thing. A part of her wanted to know what their deal was. Maybe things would be different here. A part of her wanted to say no and stay comfortable in the shadows, too afraid of things turning south. Ellie hoped she wouldn't regret this.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we're back with Dina's POV! :)


	5. Dina - I can tell we are going to be friends

She beamed with Ellie’s answer.

To be completely honest, there was nothing special behind her invitations. Ellie was a new kid, she deserved to feel welcome. And she saw the looks she was receiving, full of suspicion and the gossip floating around. Ellie’s face was a mask carefully put together, but she couldn’t imagine she wasn’t at all affected by what was happening. Her first week wasn’t even over yet.

High school kids could be evil and their gossip spread fast like wildfire and could do the same damage to someone’s life. Burn all their connections away and leave them without anything.

Any gossip could, to be fair.

Dina touches Ellie’s hand to lead her into the cafeteria. Her fingertips are calloused and cold.

“I’m glad you’re having lunch with us,” she opens the doors, and the smell of food makes her stomach grumble. Thank God the sound of people chatting covered it, “why didn’t you come yesterday?”

“Uhhh…” was her only response as she kept pulling Ellie’s hand with her. Dina thought of pushing it, but they were already at their table and she sat beside Lucas, Ellie sitting on her other side.

“Guys, this is Ellie,” Dina saw the girl beside her nod, forcing a thin-lipped smile. “Ellie, this is Jesse, Mike, Emma, Bonnie and Lucas,” she said, pointing at each one of them, who all greeted her back.

“We’ve met,” Lucas added, smiling, “we have Biology together.”

Dina saw as most of her friends nodded, except for Mike. So was introducing her to someone, at least. 

Ellie took a sandwich from her backpack and started munching on it, her green eyes carefully looking at each of them. Dina couldn’t say what she was thinking but reminded her of the look on her rivals faces when they stretched before a run. Like Ellie was measuring them, analysing.

She looked around, and several faces snapped back to place, pretending they weren’t looking at their table. It wasn’t like Dina wasn’t expecting the attention, but she hoped seeing Ellie in a group of people would make her look more… approachable. Her own friends talked to her trying to make her comfortable, but she could sense their curiosity. She could see them biting back the questions, especially Boonie.

Her face easily became red, and it almost looked like she had a stomach ache. She exchanged a look with Lucas and Emma and she knew they were thinking the same thing.

Her phone chirped on the table with a message from Emma, _‘I bet she will explode in 5’_

She tried to bite back a smile. _‘looks like she wanna poop,’_ Lucas typed on the group chat at the same time. And then, _‘I bet the can’t hold for 3,’_ Emma smiled at her phone. _‘2 snickers. Dina?’_

_‘She won’t ask. Ellie won’t say anything,’_ she answered Lucas’ text. 

_‘Deal’_

_‘Deal’_

They locked eyes over the table, and Emma smirked, always confident. Ellie ate her sandwich, a smirk on her lips. She seemed more relaxed, paying attention to the conversation. Mike was copying his homework in a loose-leaf with Jesse’s name.

“So, Ellie,” Bonnie started, and the three of them looked at each other, then not so subtly checked the time, “why did you transfer here?”

Their table went silent, and she could swear the one beside them, too. Everyone seemed curious as to why Ellie was there, in the middle of the semester.

Dina felt Ellie tense beside her, and her face was steel, hard and expressionless.

“I moved and this was the closest school,” she said simply, voice as hard as her face, her eyes challenging anyone to push her. No one did.

Dina wondered if she wasn’t trouble after all.

Then she let out a sigh, drinking from her water bottle, cheeks pink. Her shoulders were just a bit slouched, like she was a slightly deflated balloon.

“What do you have after lunch, Ellie?” Dina said, turning to the girl and putting a hand on her arm, trying to ease the tension on the table. She seemed to relax a bit, lifting her eyes to meet hers, embarrassed and clean. She used her other hand to scratch her neck, looking away.

“Art,” a small smile found its way into her lips, and with her pink cheeks, it was like trouble Ellie had never been there.

“With Ms. Clark?” Ellie nodded and she smiled, “Me and Jesse have her too!”

There was a brief look of relief on her eyes before she turned away and Dina could only see her profile.

“Time to go,” Emma said, picking her food tray to return it. “I’ll see you guys later,” she stopped on her tracks, smirking over her shoulder, “I want my snickers, Lucas.”

He looked down at his hands and rolled his eyes. “3 minutes and 47 seconds…” he sighed. “So close.”

They left the cafeteria, and Dina let herself fall behind to walk alongside Ellie.

“You don’t have to answer her if you don’t want to,” she tried to muster a gentle voice. Ellie nodded, her jaw clenched.

“Yeah, I know,” there was still an edge on her voice, and she tugged at the straps on her backpack, then touched her right arm. “Thanks.”

Dina bit her lip, unsure. Ellie was guarded. She was quiet and careful, and Dina wanted to know her. She watched as most of the group took different corridors and soon it was just them and Jesse going up the stairs.

“Where are you from?” Jesse asked, pure curiosity in his voice. Ellie hesitated for a second but he didn’t notice, explaining himself, “you have an accent.” Dina looked at him. She hadn’t noticed it.

“Boston.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Dina has family on the east coast, right?”

“Yeah, some uncles,” she shrugged. She had moved to Jackson when she was thirteen from New Mexico. They didn’t go there ever since her grandmother had died, and now her family sometimes visited her uncles in New York when it was some holiday.

Ellie glanced at her but didn’t push.

Ms. Clark was a young lady, with a few expression lines on her face. She was over enthusiastic about art, and no one seemed to really care about it. She was now talking with a girl that had her back to them, with short dark hair, slanted eyes like Jesse’s and a sleeveless shirt that showed her tattoos.

Cat.

She finished talking to the teacher as the first bell rang, then went back to grab her jacket and backpack from a chair.

“Hi Jesse,” she smiled at them. “Dina.”

Cat’s eyebrows shot up as her eyes landed on Ellie. Cat was shorter than her too, and her smile grew as she looked Ellie up and down. “Hi. I’m Cat,” she kept smiling, then pointed at Ellie’s face. “Nice eyebrow slit.”

“I-” she blinked, “It’s a scar,” Ellie said confused and looked at them for help. Dina couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her lips.

“That’s Ellie,” Jesse filled in, “she’s new.”

“Figured,” Cat smirked, “I wouldn’t forget if I had seen her before.”

And then she walked away with a wave of her hand. Ellie just stood there, brows furrowed slightly.

“What the fuck?” she breathed out, sitting beside Dina. They laughed at her, and she eased into her seat. “Do you know her?”

“Yeah, she’s my neighbour. And a senior.”

“She’s also weird,” Dina said and Ellie smiled. She noticed she didn’t really smile, it was just a slight upwards curl at her lips. Jesse rolled his eyes. “Who hangs out in the art classroom during lunch?”

She felt Ellie straighten her shoulder beside her, though her face showed nothing different.

“You know she is an artist. And that she’s practicing to join her cousin’s studio,” Jesse defended his friend, voice half-bored and half-pissed because they already had that conversation before.

“That’s cool,” Ellie said, as if she sensed things could grow tense. “And her tattoos were cool too.”

The art room was almost full now, with kids sitting all around them in the long tables.

Ms. Clark wanted them to practice shadowing, so they had this assignment where they had to draw these animal skulls she got from the museum. She explained how to watch for light and shadow, how to use the different types of pencil to make it interesting, and her eyes shone as she spoke. Dina actually felt excited to try.

She hated it.

She thought it was a goat skull that sat at the table in front of her, thick horns curling around the bone. But her drawing was pathetic. The proportions were terribly wrong even in the small A5 paper, her shadowing in the eye socket made it look like a demon from anime and the horns almost looked like pigtails.

Dina looked up at Jesse’s drawing. He was behind her, but his proportions were better. The horns actually looked like horns. She stole a glance at Ellie’s.

“Holy shit,” she said, impressed. Ellie’s drawing was perfect. The proportions and the angle were exact from the point she was sitting, and she worked with light and shadow with mastery, making the drawing almost dramatic. Alive. “Jesus, Ellie, that’s amazing!”

Ellie smiled sheepishly at her, cheeks turning pink. Her eyes had a satisfied glint on them.

“Jesse, look at that,” Dina kicked him under the table to make sure he was paying attention, “look at Ellie’s drawing, it’s incredible.”

When he looked up, his eyebrows shot up, clearly impressed. He complimented her drawing skills, saying it was unfair that she could draw _and_ do math. Then he asked if he could take a picture.

Ellie hesitated for a second, then nodded. “Sure, go on,”

“Can I show Cat? She’s going to love that,” Ellie shrugged then nodded again.

Dina rolled her eyes at Jesse. It was not that she didn’t like Cat, it was just that she didn’t care about her one way or the other. Their personalities didn’t exactly fit well together, even though both of them tried for Jesse’s sake. At least in front of him.

After the two periods of drawing, with Dina growing more frustrated and Ellie and Jesse finding it funny, they left the high classroom and made their way down. They split up again, and Ellie actually lifts her hand halfway up to wave at them.

Dina felt this weird tug at her, pulling her towards Ellie. She didn’t know anything about her, but she wanted to. It wasn’t just curiosity like Bonnie’s interest in knowing about the veracity of the rumours surrounding Ellie. It was the way she saw Ellie tutoring Jesse, or her face during Art class. They way she had smirked when she saw them betting on Bonnie’s behaviour. She _knew_ they would be friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy it :)  
> Stay safe!


	6. Dina - “Have you seen her eyes? I bet she did it.”

She kept inviting Ellie to sit with them every lunch, just to be sure she would. Ellie would sometimes give her small smile when Dina waved at her by her locker, and sit next to her during classes. They also had Literature together, and P.E. at the same time, although with different teachers.

It was weird that the whispers wouldn’t stop.

Dina had heard them, obviously, and every class someone would walk up to her and ask if they were true. And she would tell them the same thing: _“I don’t know, maybe you could ask her,”_ and they would just gulp and change the topic.

Truth be told, she was so curious it was becoming hard to hold it in. She would have to ask her sooner or later, because she knew her mother would find out about her and that could lead to problems.

Ellie had a notebook open and she looked back and forth from her phone, taking notes. Bonnie, Mike and Emma had lunch a period later, so it was only her and Lucas at the table before she sat down with Jesse.

“What are you doing?” she peered over her shoulder, watching Ellie write something for her History class. Dina read the bit on the top page, about how Napoleon had tried to block trade with England to weaken them but the king of Portugal refused and then he marched to the country. She had already seen that a couple weeks before. “Are you trying to catch up?”

Ellie nodded, “I’m trying to finish everything before Sunday, so I can start next week free,” she said yawning. Dina could see the shadow of sleepless nights under her eyes, and she wondered how hard she was pushing herself.

Dina knew the feeling.

“I can help you, if you’d like,” Ellie looked up, eyebrows high, “and give you my notes.”

Ellie just stared at her for a moment, her brows furrowing ever so slightly, and Dina could see the thin scar on her right eyebrow and the freckles on her cheek. Ellie raised her shoulders.

“Okay. Thanks,” and that tiny smile.

“Are you free this afternoon? Same time as Monday?” Dina asked, referring to when she asked Ellie to help tutoring Jesse. “I have track practice, so I’m only free after it.”

“It’s good, I have practice too,” she blocked her phone screen and closed the notebook, “should I meet you at the cafe?”

“Wait, what do you play?” Jesse cut in, and their voices mixed together. He was always so excited to talk about sports. “I didn’t see you in school after school this week.”

Ellie brushed her nose with the back of her hand. Looking at all of them for a few seconds, “I don’t play for the school. I go to a gym nearby.”

“Oh, maybe you can enter our competition,” Jesse said with a laugh, “Mike won last time, but when I finish paying the two-week protein shake we will do it again.”

Ellie just shook her head, cheeks pink. Dina eyed her, curiosity creeping in again.

“I don’t pull weights,” Jesse looked at her, puzzled. “I practice kickboxing,” her voice was low, quiet, and she looked at each of them as if waiting for a reaction, shoulders tense.

_“I heard she killed a guy.”_

_“They wouldn’t let someone so dangerous study here, it can’t be true.”_

_“Have you seen her eyes? I bet she did it.”_

_“Nah. I heard she made three kids go to the hospital, that’s why she was expelled.”_

Dina remembered the words of the whispers that followed Ellie, her chin high and shoulders square as she walked by them. The gossip always changed, people theorizing as to what bad thing she had done, how dangerous she was, what she was doing there.

“Oh, that’s cool,” Lucas said, breaking the tension as he finished the last bite on his lunch, “I fight judo.”

And just with that, she let out a relieved puff of air, looking at Lucas with a new interest in her eyes. They chatted about sports, and while Ellie didn’t really talk much about kickboxing, she asked a lot about judo. 

“I’ll meet you at the cafe then, same time as Monday?” Dina asked as they left the cafeteria, elbowing Ellie’s side lightly. She squeezed the fingers of one hand with the other, nodding.

“Yeah.”

Ellie wore a dark grey jumper as she walked down the street towards the cafe, earbuds on and fast paced steps. Her hair was still a bit damp and she had a small bag on her hand. She waved and sat in front of Dina, stretching her feet under the table.

“Hey. You’ve been here for long?”

“Nah, just sat,” she smiled, opening her binder and sipping on her tea. “So, what do you want to study first?”

Ellie shrugged. “History, I guess? It’s the one I’m further behind.”

They were studying European History, and Ellie had to catch up from French Revolution, through Napoleon’s Empire until the Second Industrial Revolution. Dina noticed how Ellie’s face was focused on her binder, copying it while listening to her words and making her own notes on her notebook. She nodded along Dina’s lecture, leg bouncing under the table and sometimes asking for clarification. 

The more time she spent with the girl, the more Dina noticed how smart she was. She was quiet, and had this uninterested look on her face, but her notes were somewhat organized and she never looked confused in class. Dina could bet she would get great grades.

“Why are you helping me?” Ellie blurted out as she finished writing the last line on her notebook, flipping the page. Dina shrugged.

“Because you’re my friend?” she said as if it was obvious, but Ellie’s brows knit together and she looked up at Dina, meeting her eyes.

“We’re not. We’ve just met,” she didn’t say as if she was throwing it at Dina, but as if she was puzzled.

“Maybe we should get to know each other better, then.”

Ellie’s eyebrows shot up, then furrowed again.

“You sure you want to be my friend?” she could see Ellie was referring to the rumours that followed her around. She couldn’t read the expression on her face, though.

“Of course!” she said. “You seem nice,” Ellie looked so lost it reminded her of Bonnie trying to understand Chemistry. She smiled.

Dina could almost see the gears in Ellie’s brain working like crazy inside her head. Her face was conflicted and shocked. Then she just shook her head, a true smile on her lips.

“You’re weird,” she concluded, picking her pencil again. Dina laughed.

“No shit, Sherlock,” she grinned from behind her cup at Ellie, “why do you think we get along so well?” she leaned forward, not waiting for her response and looking at her notebook. “Now, where were we?”

She walked alongside Ellie up the street, the cold wind finding its way through her clothing and making her shudder. They had studied History and Geography before it was too late and Ellie had to go home for dinner. 

“Thanks for helping me catch up,” she said and poorly held back a yawn.

“No problem. Now you can catch up on your sleep,” but Ellie shook her head with a smile.

“I’ll catch up with my PlayStation,” her eyes shone, clearly happy, and Dina laughed.

“You have to talk to Jesse, Lucas and Emma,” she said, knowing full well the three of them were big on video games, “though if you like shooting games don’t call Emma, she’ll kick your ass.” 

Ellie snorted, stopping at the red light. Dina had to turn around the block to where she left her car. She had offered a ride, but Ellie refused it once again.

“Well, I’ll take my chances,” she said with a hint of a cocky grin on her lips. The signal became green, and Ellie turned to her. “See you on Monday. Thanks again,” and then Ellie walked away, turning on the other side and waving at her before keeping uphill.

Dina walked briskly to her car, hoping she wouldn’t be in too much trouble for delaying the first Shabbat meal, and her stomach gurgled at the prospect of eating the challah her mother baked. The food was always awesome, but she missed Talia even more on these sacred days.

She shook her head, forcing herself to focus entirely on the road. 

Ellie’s smile when she said they were friends was adorable. It took her whole face, and it was the first time Dina had seen her really smile. It had been bright and happy and relieved. She definitely should smile more.


	7. Ellie - Little things made me who I am today

People at school seemed to just ignore her now. She had been new and people liked to talk about new things, but after a month she was just another student, and the gossip mostly died. Ellie could walk without whispers following her, even though no one really had the interest to talk to her beside Dina and her friends.

She would be lying if she said her heart wasn’t warming up to this idea of friendship.

At first she was suspicious Dina didn’t really mean what she said at the cafe. That she had just said that without real intentions behind, and she kept her distance, unsure. But slowly, as the weeks progressed and none of them acted differently, as they just welcomed her, she started to feel more at ease.

It was weird, after what happened before, to see herself starting to trust in friendship again. 

They never asked again what happened, and she was grateful for that but sometimes, when she looked at them, she couldn’t help but feel the cold fear in her stomach that it will happen once more. That they will turn their backs to her, and she will be alone again. 

It was colder now, so she wore a hoodie and a jacket on top of her shirt to go to school. The wind was blowing hard, making it fucking annoying to walk and get to the school grounds. The days were getting shorter and she was getting grumpier.

Ellie walked through the corridors, now fuller with kids trying to protect themselves from the cold. Mobs of students were grouped together in the corridors, each looking at grid scores posted on the walls. It was chaos. People were pushing and angling themselves trying to take a look at their grades.

She rolled her eyes, enjoying the opportunity to get faster to her locker and then to her classroom. She could just check it later when there was no one there, it wasn’t like it would grow fucking legs and walk away.

She grinned at herself when the Geography classroom was almost empty, and so she sat in the back row, close to the window. Mr. Boulos was sitting at his desk, sorting through some papers, so the first line of desks were still dry.

Her phone buzzed on her pocket.

> Jesse: dina, did you check the grades on the corridors yet?  
> Dina: Not yet, why?  
> Mike: someone got really close to you  
> Jesse: yeah  
> Jesse: i think they got like   
> Jesse: 1.23% less?  
> Lucas: wtf  
> Lucas: who stole my second place  
> Dina: Wow  
> Bonnie: can’t believe u guys r discussing SECOND PLACE  
> Bonnie: what about us   
> Lucas: what about everything we’ve been through?  
> Emma: cry, peasant  
> Lucas: EmMA lmao  
> Emma: she knows we’ll help her  
> Bonnie: U BETTER  
> Dina: wbu Ellie?  
> Ellie: not yet  
> Ellie: i ran for geography  
> Jesse: smart  
> Mike: smart  
> Emma: smart

It still felt pretty weird how chill they were. Maybe it was just because she wasn’t used to it and she was thinking too much about it. They were growing on her, and Ellie felt happy when she had lunch with them, when Dina hugged her and when she high-fived Jesse and Lucas. She was starting to feel like she belonged.

She looked outside, at the yellow and orange leaves on the trees and the piles under them. Her hand found its way to her right forearm, over the clothes that covered her scar. It was thick, about three inches long and it hadn’t properly healed, so the skin was weirdly pulled around it. It was ugly, and Ellie didn’t like to look at it.

She didn’t like the memories that came with most of her scars, either.

The bell rang over and over again and soon she found herself in the cafeteria, mind still numb from the memories. She was the first there, probably because she didn’t stop at the murals, so Ellie just stretched her legs under the table. 

She opened her Twitter, waiting for her friends. The tables around her were getting full of other students and it made her feel out of place alone at their table. There was a lot of good fanart from the new cartoon show she was watching and from Savage Starlight.

Savage Starlight. Today was the day the new issue was going to hit the bookstores.

And she had no idea where a nice bookstore existed on this side of the city. 

Jackson was a small city full of little nooks and crannies. She could, obviously, take the bus or walk to the other part of the city she was familiar with, to the little indie bookstore that she used to buy her comics. Or she could ask her friends if they knew any around.

“Earth to Ellie,” she heard Dina saying beside her, snapping her fingers in front of her nose, “what you looking at?”

“Nothing,” she blocked her phone, beginning to unwrap her sandwich, “what took you guys so long?”

“We were checking the test scores,” Jesse said, sitting across from her, “Dina wanted to be sure she was still first.”

“I want to know who’s second,” she said and elbowed Ellie’s side. “Did you check it yet?”

“Not yet.”

Dina narrowed her eyes at her, then picked her phone from her pocket, showing Ellie a picture of the scores. “Here.”

Ellie sighed, rolling her eyes. “Fine.”

It didn’t take long for her to scan the list and find her ID number. Right below Dina’s.

“So?”

Ellie just brushed her nose with the back of her hand, looking at Jesse. He was munching, looking at her with the same expectant eyes.

“I’m second-” she mumbled, feeling the tug of pride in her chest.

“I KNEW IT!” Dina yelled, throwing one arm around Ellie’s shoulders and then pointing at Jesse, “I told you it was her!”

“What?” Lucas said as he sat beside Jesse, Emma with him.

“Ellie is the second!” Dina was beaming, a proud smile on her lips, “I told you guys it had to be her.”

“Congrats!” He said with a devilish smile, “now we can work together to take Dina from first place.”

Dina removed her arm from around her, mock glaring at Lucas, “How _dare_ you.”

“Hey,” Bonnie sat on the other side of Dina, “are you guys going to the Halloween party at Greg’s?”

Ellie started to shook her head while most of them nodded. Greg was another football player, tall and burly. He was the kind of boy to turn his face away when his friends did something wrong.

“Are we supposed to dress up? Like a real Halloween thing?” Lucas sounded almost excited.

“Yeah. Greg said they are making a competition, but I don’t know the prize yet,” Bonnie shrugged, and Dina turned her attention to Ellie again.

“Are you going?” she shook her head again.

“Probably not. Not really my thing.”

“I think you should come,” she was close. Really close. Ellie could feel all the places Dina’s arm was touching hers even through the layers. Suddenly it was getting pretty hot in the cafeteria, and she looked up, away from Dina’s brown eyes. “Who else am I gonna annoy if you’re not there?”

“Pffft, right,” she rolled her eyes at Dina, then sighed. “I’ll think about it.” She let the silence stretch between them, their eyes locked, but then the sound of laughter broke it.

“What are _you_ going to dress as?” Bonnie was pointing at Lucas, her face red while the other side of the table was laughing.

“I don’t know. A vampire, I guess,” he shrugged, a smile still on his face.

“Hey, what can you catch from a vampire in winter?” Ellie chimed in, a sly smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She saw Dina closing her eyes beside her, preparing herself. “Frost-bite.”

They groaned, and Dina tried hard to hide her smile, jabbing her finger on Ellie’s side. “That was terrible.”

“Shut up. I have more Halloween themed ones. Why are there gates around cemeteries?” No one even tried to answer, they just stared at her. “Because everyone is dying to get in.”

Dina snorted, breathing deeply to keep her cool. “Okay, that’s kinda dark.”

“You love it.” She stopped, taking a bite on her sandwich while trying to remember any other joke. Jesse and the others went back to discussing the party and their grades, but Dina was looking at her, a knowing smile on her lips, as if she knew it wasn’t over yet. “What streets do ghosts haunt?”

“Ellie, please stop-” Dina had a big smile on her face, poking her stomach, “I can’t take this anymore.” She tried to hold Dina’s hands, to stop her tickling. 

“You can’t stop me,” she managed to hold Dina’s hands between hers, cocky grin on her face. “They haunt dead ends.”

Dina let her head fall to the table, eyes closed and mouth in thin line from trying not to laugh, her body twisted because her hands were still on Ellie’s. “That’s it. You killed me, and now,” she looked at Ellie’s eyes, her face too close again, “I’m gonna haunt you.”

“Not even in death will you stop annoying me?” Dina’s eyes were of a deep brown. She could see now where it merged with her pupils, the subtle rim where they became just black.

She was too close. Ellie let her eyes wander on her face, from the freckles on her cheeks to the teasing smile on her lips. “Nope. You deserve to be haunted by my ghost.”

She felt her face getting hot. Dina hadn’t even said something to make her get shy, but the proximity, that grin of hers…

What the fuck.

Jesse was sitting beside her in Physics, doodling on his notebook as Mrs. Gardner played a video to illustrate energy conversion in Mechanics. She felt her eyes closing, half of her brain processing the information and the other half thinking about the scar on her forearm, about Riley.

It had been an accident. 

Jesse elbowed her side, making her glare at him. “What?”

“Did Dina say anything about me?”

“What?” now more than pissed he had woken her up from her nap, she was confused. Why would Dina talk to her about this?

“I don’t know, you guys are pretty close,” he kept whispering, his ears getting pink. “Figured if she’d talk to anyone about me, it’d be you.”

She frowned, repressing a yawn. “She did not.” Jesse nodded, going back to his doodling and she shrugged, “not that I think that she not telling me means anything.”

“Right. Thanks, man,” and he flashed her with a grin she knew straight girls would fall for.

Maybe Dina had fallen for it too.


	8. Ellie - Shake that!

Ellie had both of her feet on the centre table, her PS4 controller on her hand and an open notebook beside her. She had been journaling, writing about her growing friendships and her hopes. She had also drawn Aku Aku on half of a page. But right now she was kicking ass in _Crash Bandicoot_ and she kinda wished Joel was already home to see it.

Her phone lit up on the couch beside her and she paused the game to check it.

_‘What are you wearing on Saturday?’_ She knew Dina’s message had nothing behind it, but it still made her blush. So fucking stupid.

She walked to the mirror and took a picture, showing her black jeans and her flannel. She positioned the phone so Dina couldn’t see her pink cheeks and sent it.

> Dina: Wtf Ellie  
> Dina: you know you’re supposed to dress up  
> Dina: like a monster of whatever  
> Dina: Jack Skellington  
> Dina: Bonnie said she would be Bob Ross  
> Dina: its Halloween  
> Ellie: i know  
> Ellie: that’s my costume  
> Dina: …  
> Dina: wtf  
> Dina: what is it?  
> Ellie: i’m the only girl that survives in those bad horror movies  
> Dina: …  
> Dina: wtf Ellie  
> Dina: you’re not serious  
> Ellie: i’m not serious  
> Dina: thank god  
> Ellie: i’m Ellie  
> Dina: fuck you  
> Dina: we have to come up with something GOOD  
> Ellie: fiiiine  
> Ellie: i’ll try

She had no idea what she should wear. Maybe she should ask Joel for an idea. Maybe she could make an Aku Aku mask and wear a black hoodie. She would never dress herself as Dr. Daniela Star, and the other characters from Savage Starlight didn’t really have an easy cosplay design. Not she would dress like them either.

Dina will kill her.

When Dina texted her on Saturday asking if she was ready, Ellie just braced herself. She was wearing black jeans and a black hoodie and her converse as she waited for Dina in front of a convenience store, sipping on a coke.

Ellie was sitting on the curb, the soda can beside her and her forearms on top of her knees. She let her chin rest on her arms, music playing on her earbuds as she waited. And wondered why the fuck she was going out.

Even Joel looked surprised, but he gave her a small smile and told her to be responsible.

Right.

An Audi slowed down and stopped in front of her. And then the window rolled down and she saw Dina and Lucas inside.

“What are you waiting for, dementor?” Dina yelled at her, laughing. Ellie flipped her, throwing the can on the trash and entering the car.

Dina was wearing light blue pants and a crop top of the same colour. She’d put her hair in a low ponytail and had some golden jewelry on her ears and around her neck. 

“Are you Jasmine?” she asked, impressed. She was gorgeous. Dina flashed her a smug grin, nodding. “That’s a good one.”

“What are you?” Lucas asked, turning around so he could look at her. He was only wearing trousers and a nice dress shirt with a striped tie, so she couldn’t figure out his costume. What was he, Ace Attorney?

“I,” she took the mask from her pocket and pulled the hood on, “am No Face.”

“From Spirited Away?” Dina asked, sparing a glance at her through the mirror. “Oh, that looks good. Did you make it?”

She honestly thought Dina would give her at least a bit of shit for such a simple costume thing, but it seemed like she was safe.

“Yes,” her voice was muffled by the mask, but she actually felt proud of her work. She and Cat had made a cast of it, and it was light enough to strap around her head with ribbons. It had been carefully assembled in the last two days. “What are you, Lucas?”

“Me and Emma are dressing as Hogwarts students,” he shrugged, “She got my Slytherin cape.”

“Slytherin?” she was shocked. She would never think he was a Slytherin. He looked so much more like a Ravenclaw, or a Hufflepuff. He nodded, “and what is Emma?”

“She’s a Slytherin too. She and her brother are Slytherins, so I’m using his cape,” he turned and grinned at her, “I’m actually a Ravenclaw.”

“Right.”

Dina slowed down as they approached Greg’s house. It stood in a neighbourhood full of similar sized houses. Big houses. Maybe it could fit two of her apartments inside just on the first floor. The music was loud enough they could hear it from the outside, and Ellie could feel the bass reverberating around her.

“Aren’t you cold?” Ellie asked, eyeing Dina’s outfit once more. It was a lot of skin showing for late October. As if waiting for her words, the wind picked up, blowing their hairs and sending shivers up her arms.

“I was hoping it would be warmer inside,” she could see their breaths and Dina briskly walked towards the door, hugging herself.

And sure enough, inside was warm. Be it the Greg’s heater system or just the sheer amount of teenagers dancing, drinking and talking inside, it was warm enough for Dina to smile smugly at her. Ellie rolled her eyes, pulling the mask down again.

All around her were a lot of kids, and all of them were wearing some kind of costume. It had some nice variety, from mummies to cupids, all the way through zombies and princes. There were a lot of horse heads, though. It was a mess. 

“Hey guys,” Jesse smiled at them, his hand touching Dina’s. He was wearing a brown vest and had some plastic gun on his hips. Mike was beside him, wearing what kind of looked like a white judo kimono and some cream pants. He also had a belt, with a single cylinder strapped to it. “Nice mask, man.”

“Thanks. Cat helped me do it.” she remembered the other girl now, and looked around for her. 

They had been spending some time together, talking about cartoons and what Cat planned to do next year after her graduation and her tattoos. She was nice and calm, but there was something on her that Ellie didn’t really understand. On the way she smiled sometimes.

“She’s at the back,” Jesse gave her a knowing smile, “she’s our Leia.”

Dina was looking at her, but Ellie couldn’t read her expression. It was like she was trying to figure something out, but in a weird way. She was glad the mask covered her face.

“Right. I’ll be back.”

Lucas was nowhere to be found either, probably looking for Emma so he could put on his cape. Ellie made a beeline through her schoolmates, carefully avoiding the ones who swung too wildly while holding their red cups. 

“Hey, you,” she felt a light tap on her shoulders and Cat was there, long white robes and hair twisted in two small rolls at the side of her head. She also had a gun on her waist and smiled at Ellie. “Ohh, your mask looks awesome! Can I see it?”

She took the mask off. Cat had helped her with the casting, and was only now seeing the final product. Ellie had painted it all white and then the purple streaks through the eyes. It was really close to the animated film, even with the thin slits she made to see.

“We can put varnish on top later,” Cat’s hands were careful while handling it, her fingertips gingerly holding it, almost as if it was made of glass. Her smile was proud, but there was something more there too when she met Ellie’s eyes. “so maybe you can put it on your wall or something.”

There were not a lot of lights on, to add to the creepy atmosphere of Halloween, and most of them were being filtered through blue or red colored glass panes. Cat was now painted blue, her eyes shining as she returned the mask. It made Ellie’s hand shake a bit, and she felt her face getting hot.

“Yeah, thank you,” she held the mask, wanting to put it on so Cat wouldn’t be able to look at her, “maybe we can do another one so my wall isn’t so empty.”

Cat was close. Her eyes were in a different shade of brown, dark like Jesse’s. She smiled up at Ellie, touching her hand, her wrist. She smelled like paint.

“I’d like that, Ellie,” her voice was soft and her hands were warm on Ellie’s biceps.

Ellie blinked. It was getting really hot in there. 

“Ellie,” Lucas called, and in a second, Cat was far, still that dangerous smile on her lips. “Oh, I’ve been looking for you.”

“Yeah, we… we were grabbing a drink,” she said, pointing to Cat and hoping Lucas was unable to see her flustered cheeks.

“Sure you were,” he gave her a knowing smile and she groaned. He’d totally seen it. “I came to invite you to a beer pong set. But, if you have better things to do I can find another partner.”

“You have to,” Cat smiled at them, taking Ellie’s arm, “we’re gonna end you.”

She got taken to the backyard where the beer pong table was set. Mike and Bonnie were playing against each other, with partners Ellie didn’t know. Cat stood close to her, her arm touching Ellie’s and Lucas disappeared to find himself a pair for the game.

Bonnie and the girl won by one cup, and they had just a bit of a swing on their steps to make Ellie know they weren’t that sober.

“You know how this works, right?” Cat asked her and Ellie rolled her eyes, refusing to answer.

Lucas had come back with a very annoyed Emma, and they looked like evil prefectors from Hogwarts in their Slytherin robes. Ellie twisted her mask so it was on the back of her head and she could actually see what was happening. Lucas looked devilishly happy.

It didn’t take long for her to realize it was because he had some skills on the game. Lucas and Emma were like an evil power couple, throwing fast balls and downing cups. Ellie and Cat didn’t stand a chance.

“Was this your plan?” Lucas and Emma looked at each other with a smirk. “And here I was, thinking we were friends.”

Lucas punched her with a smile on his lips as they got away from the table, other pairs already rearranging it. “Oh stop it. You could never win. Not when I’m with Emma.”

She flipped him and he laughed. Sometime during the game, Dina had appeared with Jesse, her dark eyes scanning her.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” she asked. Jesse was beside her, their hands touching.

“Who?” she frowned and Dina rolled her eyes.

“Cat, you dumbass,” she looked around and Cat was nowhere to be seen. Really quiet, she was.

“She is not my girlfriend,” Dina raised one eyebrow, and Ellie wasn’t sure if it was surprise or disbelief in her eyes. “We’re friends.”

“You know she’s been flirting with you, right?” Jesse said slowly, as if she was dumb. They looked at her with a mix of shock and amusement in their eyes.

Her silence was enough of an answer, and they all burst out laughing.

“Oh Jesus, all that work for nothing,” Jesse said, clutching his belly, “what did you think that was?”

“That she was friendly,” she mumbled, looking away and face hot.

“Even when she touched you all the time?” Lucas said.

“Or laughed at your jokes?” Jesse teased and she punched him.

“They are good jokes,” she defended herself.

“Or invited you to go to her house to do ‘art stuff’,” Emma did the air quotes with her fingers, and Ellie wanted to slap herself from so much embarrassment.

“Some people just like to draw and paint. It’s a normal thing to do with friends,” she tried weakly.

“Except she obviously would prefer doing other stuff,” Bonnie said out of nowhere, wiggling her eyebrows at her in her terrible Pennywise costume. It wasn’t creepy, it was weird and Ellie wasn’t sure how it was better than the Bob Ross one. She fit in perfectly.

“Whatever,” she snapped, but they seemed unfazed by it, so she rolled her eyes. 

They were probably seeing too much into it, anyways. Cat was pretty and cool and she sometimes made Ellie’s heart beat faster, but there was nothing between them. They were art buddies, for fucks sake. But there was a small part in the back of her mind that rewinded all their moments.

When Cat saw Ellie’s drawing and she stringed a lot of compliments together. How she was sometimes by Cat’s and they would talk about Cat’s future at the tattoo parlour with her cousin. In her mind it hadn’t been any different from the way she was becoming close to her friends.

Except that her heart didn’t beat faster when Lucas was close to her, or when Jesse teased her.

She shook her head. Nope. Can’t be. Wouldn’t be. 

It didn’t really feel like it.


	9. Dina - Potato Rambo

Dina knocked on Jesse’s door, blowing on her gloved hands out of habit. There was a thin layer of snow on the ground, and she didn’t believe they were making her wait in the cold.

Robin, Jesse’s mom, opened the door. She was an older woman, with grey streaks all over her hair and welcoming blue eyes. She was nice and gentle, the kind of mother Dina wished she had.

“Dina!” she smiled, stepping to the side so Dina could come in, “they are in the backyard.”

She followed her through the corridor to the kitchen and the door that led to the yard. Robin stopped, resting against it as she looked at Ellie’s and Jesse’s back. She had a smile on as if what she was seeing was funny.

“Go on. I’ll bring something over for you to eat.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Jeon,” she said, stepping through. Both of them already knew it was useless to argue against Dina’s use of honorifics and Robin’s will of giving them food.

Jesse and Ellie had their backs to her, both of them with jackets and gloves in the cold. They moved alternatingly, each moving up to do something at the table and then letting the other. She could hear them nervously giggling.

“What the fuck,” she mumbled to herself and the yelled at them, “what are you doing?”

Both of them turned around at the same time, surprised eyes covered in swimming goggles. Ellie had an elastic band in her hands and an excited smile on her lips.

“Physics project,” they said in unison. Dina walked closer, trying to see what was on the table. 

“Why are you wearing swimming goggles?” Ellie and Jesse looked at each other and then at her.

“Safety measures,” Ellie said, stepping to the side so Dina could see a watermelon on the table, a lot of elastic bands around it. There were also a couple of opened bags full of the elastics tossed around it. She bit back a grin.

“I don’t know if that's the best way to illustrate the concept,” she didn’t dare a step closer, standing halfway between them and Jesse’s house.

“I mean,” Ellie leaned back on the table, crossing her arms on her chest, “we are seeing force right now. And we," she pointed at Jesse with her chin, "are showing the potential energy in those elastics."

She would never admit out loud, but it was pretty hot seeing Ellie talking Physics to her, even if she already knew it. There was that confidence in her voice, because she knew what she was talking about. The same quiet confidence she showed when she walked around in school or played sports.

Jesse smiled at her. They knew each other since she moved, studying together in middle school all the way through junior year now. He was kind, responsible and strong, and Dina would be lying if she said her heart didn’t beat faster around him.

“You should stay back,” he said, watching as Ellie put another elastic around the watermelon. He looked ridiculous with those goggles.

“Oh, I am staying back,” she said, walking around so she could have a better look at the poor fruit. It already showed some cracks, and Dina was glad she’d arrived in time to see it bursting. “I don’t want to get exploded by a watermelon.”

She watched as Jesse put an elastic on the melon. Then Ellie. Then Jesse. Back and forth while they kept laughing nervously. Dina felt like she was watching the whipped cream slap game mixed with russian roulette.

Ellie put another rubber band. Jesse reached to get his next one from the table, face pained. It had to be close. The watermelon had a thick belt of elastic around it and Dina thought she heard him mutter some kind of prayer as he opened it before putting in on the fruit. Just before he could slide it down, it exploded.

It was a weird wet loud pop, and Dina jumped back to be sure no pieces would fall on her. The top half popped up like a lid of a squeezed Pringles, and several smaller pieces shot out in every direction.

“Fuck,” she heard Ellie swearing, but her voice had laughter under it. Jesse and her fistbumped. “Do you think Mrs. Gardner would let us do that in class?”

She was rubbing a spot on her jaw where a watermelon piece had hit her at a fast speed. Jesse went around the table to stop the recording on his phone and Dina approached them now that it was safe to do so. “Don’t think so. Imagine cleaning all that off a classroom,” he said with a shrug.

“Did you count how many you used?”

Jesse scoffed, “of course we did, we have method.” Ellie quickly counted the empty bags of rubber bands.

“Around 800,” she muttered and he repeated louder for her. Dina chuckled.

“Is that your project?”

“We’re not sure,” Jesse was closer to her, his big frame shielding her from the cold wind. He pulled his goggles up, letting them rest on his forehead. “We recorded it just in case, but I think this will be our plan B. What are you doing?”

“Mrs. G made our class do a competition,” she started, “we gotta throw a glass cup from the third floor in a parachute. The cup can’t break and it gotta be made of trash bags and strings.”

“That’s cool,” Jesse said, his voice quieter. His eyes scanned her face, then fell on her lips.

“But not as cool as ours” Ellie yelled in the back, holding a weird gun made of pipe pieces above her head. Jesse facepalmed beside her as she turned her attention to Ellie. She still had her glasses on, but was now holding what looked like a long cream-colored cylinder, with a grin that was too devilishly close to Lucas’. It was even funnier as she stood in the snow with the watermelon pieces scattered around her like flesh bits.

“The fuck is that,” she couldn’t hold her smile at how much of a dork Ellie was. 

“This, my young Padawan,” her voice was all smug, and Dina wasn’t sure if the feeling in her chest made her want to kiss Ellie, or deck her, “is a potato cannon.”

“Hey, careful now, Rambo” Dina said, eyeing the way Ellie mindlessly pointed the cannon at her, “don’t wanna get potatoed.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “ _Please._ I’m the gun master.”

“That’s what she said,” Jesse said with a grin and they groaned in disgust.

“You’re lucky there’s nothing inside right now,” Ellie said, glaring at him. Jesse only laughed.

“You’re making it really hard for me, Ellie,” he started, lips pursed trying to contain a laugh.

“That’s what he said,” Dina smirked at her, and then the three of them were laughing.

“You guys are so stupid,” Ellie said, finally putting the pipes down and taking the goggles off. There were red circles around her eyes where the rubber was against her skin, and she bent to pick her backpack from beneath the table. “Think I’m gonna go now.”

Dina refrained from pouting. She had just arrived and Ellie was already leaving? She felt her heart sink just a bit in disappointment. She wanted to ask her to stay.

“Don’t forget we’re doing secret Santa on Sunday,” she said instead. “We need you there to draw your piece of paper and stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Ellie nodded and waved at them before disappearing through the fence gate.

Jesse cleared his throat, suddenly nervous. His hair was getting long, almost in a mullet, and he ran a hand through it. There was a shadow on his jaw where he had shaved and a small nip on his cheek. She smiled up at him. “Do you wanna watch a movie?” he asked.

“Sure.”

He let his hand brush against hers as they walked back to the warmth of his house.

“Gather around everybody, gather around,” Jesse called out to the group while holding a Santa hat upside down, and shaking it.

They were in Jesse’s house for the Secret Santa draw. Dina’s family usually did it during the Purim holiday, but it was nicer doing it with her friends. Ellie was also there this year, legs stretched under the table and eyes shining. 

Lucas, Emma, Mike, Bonnie, Jesse, Dina, Ellie and Cat.

The small pieces of paper were folded and one by one they drew their names from the hat. “No one got their own name, right?” Jesse asked.

“I’d know the perfect present for myself, though,” Bonnie said as all of them shook their heads.

“Good. We are meeting to exchange presents on the 24th, it’s a Sunday,” Jesse kept going, peeking at his strip of paper with a smile, “that’s two weeks from now.”

Dina eyed Ellie, who had a blank expression she was familiar with. She was sure she had no idea what to get to her Santa friend. It had to be Mike, he was the one Ellie didn’t have a lot in common, and Dina snickered. 

She looked at her own folded paper: Jesse. He had been her first real friend since she had moved to Jackson, she knew him for almost five years now. How hard would it be to get him a present? He liked video games and football. A kind jock that loved Call of Duty, Game of Thrones and Star Wars.

Thank God she had two weeks to think about what to give him.


	10. Dina - I don’t care about the presents underneath the Christmas tree

It had been one the most stressful two-weeks of her life. Between tests, track training and Hanukkah, she barely had time to think about Jesse’s present.

Winter season meant weight-lifting season on the track team, and even though Dina still loved the burning on her muscles, it wasn’t the same without the running part. Without her feet on the pavement and the cold in air in her lungs. It didn’t feel as much as meditation like that.

She spent all her time outside the gym studying, and Ellie kept her company in the library, both of them solving complex equations and revising for the upcoming tests. Ellie was a rock beside her, legs stretched under the table, always ready to help her with a problem or to make her laugh during their breaks.

It was refreshing, this strong friendship they’d developed. Their jokes and burns. Their comfortable silences. The way they knew they could lean on each other, like an unspoken promise to take care of each other. The way Dina’s heart sometimes beated faster when Ellie grinned at her. How she could feel shivers all over her skin when she touched Ellie. The way she loved to be around her, to laugh at her dumb jokes. The way she wanted to know all about her.

Jesse was always there too, smiles on his face as she helped him with math. They grew closer still, in a different way. He was always touching her, be it when his hand brushed against her as they walked on the corridor or their knees bumped together when they sat beside each other. His eyes lingered on hers, dark and kind.

And she still didn’t have a gift for him.

She tried to think of the basic WWJW: What Would Jesse Want? She had no idea. She knew what he liked, but not what would make a good present. Ellie would’ve been a much more reasonable person to gift, but she got Jesse. 

“What you thinking so hard about?” Ellie asked her, kicking her feet lightly under the library table, “I can smell the burning.”

Dina rolled her eyes, punching Ellie’s arm. “Shut up. I’m thinking of my secret Santa gift,” Ellie’s face was blank, the blue screen in the computer. “Did you forget?”

She scoffed. “Of course I haven’t. I’ve been thinking about it too. I just have no idea what I should get them.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” she said, kicking back. “Think about them, what they like, I guess.”

Ellie crossed her arms on her chest, exhaling loudly and letting her head fall, “Yeah.”

She looked somehow tired. Probably from her kickboxing practice and all the studying they were doing before the Christmas holidays. She was so excited to do nothing and to have Talia over at home for a couple of weeks. Her sister was studying Antropologie on the east coast, and Dina missed her. She missed all the teasing and eating and bad mouthing their parents together.

“Hey… Do you ever miss Boston?”

Ellie looked surprised for a second, then down at her crossed arms again. “No,” her voice was quiet, with just a bit of that usual edge of when she talked about herself. She bit the inside of her cheek and let out a small sigh.

“I don’t have many good memories in Boston to miss it,” she touched her forearm, lifting her eyes to meet Dina’s. “It wasn’t easy to be in the system. Before Joel,” and there it was, that something in her green eyes, in the way she looked at her that was like a pull, that was like she was trying to say something just with a look.

Dina nodded and reached over, putting her hand on Ellie’s and squeezing. Ellie’s eyes were bright, too full of feelings. She gave her a weak smile, like she was saying thank you. She wished she could do more than that.

It snowed heavily outside Jesse’s house. It had been snowing quite a lot these past days, forming a thick layer of snow on the outside. Dina was pacing in front of the lit fireplace, both to keep her warm and because Ellie and Emma had texted on the group that they were walking to his place and weren’t there yet. 

During most of the previous days, it snowed constantly, but at an acceptable rate: you had to drive slower, wear hats and gloves and shovel the garage everyday. And it was like that when both girls left their homes, but now Dina had to make an effort to see past the fence in Jesse’s backyard.

“Dina, they’re fine-” Jesse started, putting his hands on her shoulders, but was interrupted by the bell, “see?”

Someone closer to the door unlocked it, and even the short time it remained open was enough for a cold breeze to seep into the living room. First she saw Emma’s blond head, hair tousled by the beanie she’d taken off, and there was a heavy weight in her stomach at the thought that maybe Ellie was still outside. 

And then she walked in, red-brown hair white with snow and nose red from the cold, her backpack on her shoulders as if she hadn’t made Dina worry about her. The tension slowly left her shoulders and she walked up to Ellie, hugging her close.

Ellie’s body was tense and Dina thought that maybe she wouldn’t hug her back, but as she started to let her hands fall she felt Ellie’s arms wrapping around her and a slight chuckle above her ear.

“Miss me much?” she asked with a grin and Dina just punched her arm.

“We were worried, look at that,” she pointed to the white nothing outside.

“Ski season’s from November to April,” she said as if it explained everything, shrugging with an annoying curl of her lips, making Dina roll her eyes at her.

“Fuck you,” but Ellie only laughed.

Jesse’s living room was big, and the Christmas tree at the corner was tall enough that it barely left two foot between the star and the ceiling. Robin had left them some food and drinks and all of them held a glass with juice of soda inside. The fire burned and made the room cozy and they were all sitting around Jesse’s centre table.

Jesse was sitting beside her, and Cat beside Ellie, with Lucas and Emma across Mike and Bonnie. They played some card games, laughing and getting pissed when Bonnie tried to cheat. Emma was annoyingly good at UNO, and Dina and Ellie’s competitiveness eventually made the others tired. 

“Think we can do the Secret Santa now, right Jesse?” Cat said beside Ellie. Dina didn’t miss the way Cat leaned into her, how her arm was always touching Ellie’s.

“Sure. Do you want to start?” But before she said anything, Bonnie sprung up to her feet.

“I volunteer as tribute!” She had her ginger hair down, a somewhat preppy blouse over her jeans. Very different to what Dina was used to seeing in school. She walked to the line of presents they had made under the tree, picking the one with her name.

“Oh, it was Mike,” she said before opening, a teasing smile on her lips. He looked at her, shocked. “Only you have this ugly handwriting.”

They laughed, and it went around like that, each taking their wrapped present and trying to guess who gave it to them. Dina stood up, taking the poorly wrapped box with her name. That alone seemed like a hint to her, and she smiled to herself as she opened it.

Inside was a small DVD case and a T-shirt. She picked the T-shirt first, raising it to reveal a round print drawing of Jasmine in the carpet with the words “A whole new world” and “No one to tell us no” around. Except that it wasn’t in the Disney style and it was her face instead of Jasmine’s. It was beautiful, the colours and night sky behind her, with a barely there city skyline under.

Then she picked up the plastic case, the “The Nightmare Before Christmas” DVD. It had a little post-it on it, with a little doodle of her, Jesse and Ellie as Lock, Shock and Barrel from the movie and the words “Happy Halloween” above it.

“I love this movie,” she said, sitting between Jesse and Ellie while holding the popcorn bowl on her lap. 

Both Jesse and Ellie let out a little laugh, their mouths filled with popcorn. She had spent the day at Jesse’s, helping him with his Han Solo costume and making pumpkin bread. Then Ellie had arrived and they’d settled down at the sofa to watch The Nightmare Before Christmas.

“Why?” Ellie asked, raising her eyebrows with curiosity.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “I like the creepy Halloween vibe and the fact that it has Santa means Disney streams it in December too.”

Ellie and Jesse just hummed, sitting back, but she noticed how Ellie sang quietly to “This Is Halloween” beside her.

She looked up, catching sight of Ellie looking at her with expectant eyes, waiting for her reaction. She couldn’t even begin to explain how happy it made her, the amount of thought that was clearly put into it, all the care behind it… How could she show her how much she’d loved it? 

It made her heart warm, and she beamed, walking straight to Ellie. She’d been leaning on the counter, arms crossed on her chest, but now had a somewhat nervous expression on her face. Dina put a hand on her arm, pushing herself up enough so she could kiss her on the cheek. Ellie’s face was bright red when she retreated and Dina laughed.

“Thank you for the presents, Ellie,” she winked at her, turning around to get herself a glass of juice. Ellie muttered something behind her, but she was a bit too worried about how fast her heart was beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not Jewish, but I've been googling stuff so I hope I get things from Dina's perspective correctly :)
> 
> Also, they are in 2017 because that's when I was in my junior year in HS, so I've been using those dates to figure out when the Jewish holidays took place.


	11. Ellie - Have a holly jolly Christmas

Ellie sat across Joel at the small dinner table, showing him the Savage Starlight T-shirt Emma had gotten her for the Secret Santa at Jesse’s. It was black with the poster of the film on it. It was amazing.

Joel had a small smile under his greying beard as he took a sip of his mug of coffee.

“That’s a nice shirt you got there, kiddo,” he put the mug down, stretching his legs under the table beside Ellie’s. “How d’you do with your present?”

She remembered Dina’s grin when she saw the shirt she had printed and the movie DVD. The happy glint on her eyes. Then she remembered Dina’s hand on her arm, her soft lips on her cheek and she could feel her face getting hot and red.

“It was good,” she played with the bacon on her plate before scooping it up together with the eggs and the toast. Joel only hummed. ”Dina liked it.”

The thing about sitting with Joel is that silence was bound to fall. He wasn’t one to use a lot of words, but Ellie wasn’t talkative either, so they were comfortable just sitting around each other, enjoying each other’s company.

“Are Tommy and Maria coming?” she asked over her shoulder, putting her plate on the sink.

“Yeah, for dinner,” he drank from his mug again, letting the silence drag itself before letting out a sigh. “We should probably start cookin’”

She groaned. She hated helping in the kitchen.

Joel put on his playlist, full of songs he’d taught her to play on the guitar as they worked in the kitchen, chopping vegetables and marinating the meat. It was a slower process than most people were used to, because none of them were actually that skilled in the kitchen, but also because they spent a lot of time making fun of each other.

“This isn’t that bad,” she said, nodding to his phone on the counter, to his music. He hummed, a cocky smile on his lips. Joel sang to the beat, his voice low, and she remembered him telling her he once wanted to be a singer.

It was peaceful, singing with him while preparing dinner.

It made her remember all the years before him where she knew no peace or safety, when she was scared. It made her remember Riley and fucking David. She touched her forearm, the knife suddenly heavy in her hand. It was snowing outside, the world white on the other side of the window, just like on that day. She shivered. 

“You okay in there?” Joel asked, concern in his eyes, “why don’t you… uh, go take a shower or somethin’ and I’ll wrap it up.”

“You sure you can do it alone, old man?” her mouth was dry and he scoffed.

“You’re slowin’ me down,” he ushered her out gently, “now go.”

“Fine, fine, fine,” she left him to his potatoes, feeling the cold inside her worrying her down.

Ellie left the shower with her skin pink from the hot water, changing to her sweatpants and her new T-shirt. She was officially Christmas ready now.

She eyed the scar on her forearm, touching the pulled skin around. It’s been almost five years and it still made her feel guilty. If they had just left before, if they hadn’t gone there to begin with- She tried to push the memories away.

If her scar made her remember Riley, then winter made her remember David. His scrawny frame, and thin nose. His beard and the wrinkles on his face. His hand on hers, his voice - at first kind and gentle then poisoned with hatred and anger. She breathed in, seeing herself standing with the drawer open, her switchblade in her hand.

It had been her mother’s switchblade, from when she was a doctor in the army. It was light in her hand, familiar. She pressed the small button, making the blade spring open.

She could see her own hand red in the low light that day, warm and wet.

She let out the air she hadn’t noticed she was holding, closing the blade. Ellie let her fingers trace the fading words carved in the wood before putting it back under her socks.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

She walked back and Joel was sitting on his usual spot on the sofa, reading a book, his socked feet up on the centre table. 

“Whatcha drinking?” she asked, plopping down beside him and taking the control of the PS4.

“Coffee.”

She scoffed, going through her games.

“Don’t you get tired of drinking this bitter shit?” she asked him, but Joel barely lifted his eyes from the book.

“It’s an acquired taste,” he defended himself.

“Pfft. Right,” she scoffed, stretching her legs over the table beside his.

“Better than that goddamn soda you’re always drinkin’,” he sipped at his cup again.

“You’re just too old for it,” she started, still unsure as to what to play, “not my fault you were born before they invented soft drinks.” 

He huffed, shaking his head. She sighed.

“Wanna play _Crash Nitro_?”

Joel put his mug down, a smug smile on his face. Closing the book and putting his feet on the ground, he reached for his controller.

“You ready to get your ass kicked, kiddo?”

He picked Baby T, the dinosaur, and Ellie picked King Chicken, because the design was fucking ridiculous and it made the race more balanced. Joel was slowly getting better at it, and together with their movie nights, game nights were how they spent their time together.

They didn’t play for too long, though, because it was getting close to dinner and they had to set the table and finish the dinner. Joel was in the kitchen checking the oven when she felt her phone buzz on her pocket.

The group chat was just everyone wishing Merry Christmas, but she actually had a message from Dina too.

_‘Look what we’re watching,’_ it said, and then she received a picture of Dina smiling, her sister looking down at her phone and The Nightmare Before Christmas playing on the TV behind her.

She smiled down at her phone, quickly texting back a ‘Merry Halloween’ before standing to help Joel with dinner. It made her happy to give a present Dina’d liked. That she had friends now.

Tommy and Maria arrived next with cookies, ruffling her hair and wishing them a Merry Christmas. They talked and ate, Joel’s Texan accent drawl seemingly heavier after a few beers and from chatting with Tommy.

“Y’know, I met a woman when I was doin’ some fixin’ round her house,” Tommy said, slowly. Joel raised an eyebrow and Ellie furrowed hers, eyeing Maria, but the woman seemed unfazed. “She was nice, had a great sense of humor.”

Joel hummed, drinking from his glass.

Was Tommy trying to set him up with a woman? Ellie’s eyes scanned their faces, Tommy’s, Joel’s then Maria’s. She tried to imagine Joel dating, actually going out, not only to work or for groceries. 

“You should meet her,” Tommy kept going, biting on a cookie. “think you’ll like her.”

Joel picked a cookie for himself, crossing his arms on his chest beside her. “Think I’m good, little brother.”

It was good, to be sitting with them, to have a family. She wished the other kids she’d met in the group homes had better luck now. She hoped they were far from David, that fucker. It’s been so long since her parents died she didn’t even remember their faces anymore. She remembered the sharp pain of loss and loneliness, though. 

The dark nights and bleak days in the group homes or the few times she actually stayed in some family’s house but never ended up out of the system. Her nights in the streets. The way older kids would try to square her up and they would fight away from the adult’s watch. How after a few fights they stopped messing with her and she was even more alone.

A small smile played in her lips as she kept watching Joel and Tommy’s bickering. After everything she’d been through, after all she’d done, it hadn’t been for nothing. This found family she had made it worth it.


	12. Ellie - Hold onto me cause I'm a little unsteady

Joel had left to help Tommy fix someone’s roof after a particularly windy night so Ellie was sitting alone in the living room, plucking at her guitar. She’d been trying to learn a new song, to figure out the right chords but the Christmas carols the neighbour was always blasting made it harder for her to focus. Every time she started strumming she ended up in doing it in the rhythm of Michael Bublé.

It was almost completely dark outside, though it still wasn’t that late yet. The snow had given them a truce, and the sky was somewhat clean. Her phone buzzed on the sofa beside her, showing her a notification from Dina. 

_‘Are you busy?’_ It read, and Ellie furrowed her brows. Who was truly busy in the winter holidays?

_‘no’_

_‘Meet me in the Halloween convenience store in 5?’_

_‘sure’_ she answered back before putting the guitar down and taking a jacket and gloves. 

She wondered if something was up, because Dina sounded weirdly serious through her text, and it made Ellie kind of worried, so she sped up in her canvas snickers through the salted pavement.

The lampposts were already lit, and Dina was sitting on the curb next to one. Her hair was up in a ponytail and she was wearing only a T-shirt and sweats. The light of the convenience store behind her made her glow slightly blue.

She sat beside her on the curb, stretching her legs out in front of her. Dina’s hair was glued on her neck and on the sides of her face with sweat. “Aren’t you cold?” Ellie asked, eyeing Dina’s outfit once more. As if waiting for her words, the wind picked up, blowing their hairs and sending shivers up her arms. 

She didn’t wait for Dina’s response, taking her jacket off and then giving Dina her hoodie before zipping the jacket back up. “Here,” Ellie said and Dina put it on, sighing inside the warmth.

She sat beside her, their sides touching and their butts slowly freezing in the pavement. Dina’s face was impassive, but her eyes were sad and angry. Something had happened.

“What happened to your arm?” Dina broke the silence, her quiet voice ringing out in the empty street. She almost forgot she had taken the hoodie off and her forearm had been exposed with the T-shirt before she’d put the jacket back on.

Ellie hesitated. This was how it had happened, with a simple question answered to the wrong person. She met Dina’s eyes, her caring dark eyes, sincere and open. She felt like she stood in an important life crossroad, deciding if she should trust her or not. 

She’d made this mistake before, and it’d rendered her friendless. She sighed, deciding to take that leap of faith, if not for her, for Dina.

“It was… an accident,” she started, touching where her scar was under the layers. “I was with a friend and we were just exploring this empty house. You know, like you do.” She licked her lips, watching her breath condensate in front of her. She could feel Dina’s eyes on her, “and then the floor gave way under us because it had rotten over the years, and we fell.”

She cleared her throat. “I fell over some broken glass, but she fell on a piece of iron and,” she paused, the guilt rushing inside her, and she felt Dina’s hand on her arm. “and I shouldn’t have moved it, but I did and then she _died._ ”

Her mouth was dry and her heart was heavy inside her. “I shouldn’t have invited her to go there. I shouldn’t have moved her. Maybe if I hadn’t been so fucking stupid she would be alive now.”

Rationally, she knew it hadn’t been her fault. That Riley falling on the pole had been bad luck. But in her heart, she felt responsible for it. For dragging her inside to explore the mansion, for moving her from the iron piece and making her bleed out. For not being able to do anything to help. How unfair was it that if she’d been the one walking on the right, she’d be the one impaled.

Kids were mean, and some had a true talent to weave insults in the way that hurt the most. Putting everything they despised about her together and throwing it at her repeatedly. The cherry on top obviously became what had transpired with Riley.

She let her head hang low, incapable of looking at Dina. Would she turn her back at her and guilt her? Shame her like the kids at the other school had done? Tell her how she’d killed her friend and she should’ve been the one six feet under.

Instead, she felt Dina sitting closer, snaking her arm between her own and her body, laying her head on Ellie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she said, still quietly. And it was her voice, the way she said it, that almost made her cry after all these years.

“I’m okay,” she managed, clearing her throat again. “It was a long time ago.”

They stayed in silence for a moment, watching their breaths in front of their faces.

“Was this why there were all those rumours at the beginning?”

She shifted on the ground, tucking her legs closer now. “Uhh… no, it was because I told this to some kids at the school and they told everyone,” she looked at Dina, but she had her head on her shoulder still. “And some other kids that didn’t like me used it to insult me.”

Ellie scratched her neck, a different kind of embarrassment washing over her. “After two years I… broke and I beated the shit out of one of them.”

This was it, right? The moment Dina would turn her back to her and walk away. Ellie’s heart sank, cold inside her with fear. She already regretted saying anything. She would be alone again.

But Dina only squeezed her arm and then Ellie felt her cold nose on her cheek.

“I’m sorry they were dickheads, Ellie,” she said, her voice so low it was almost a whisper.

Ellie was shocked at the turn of events. She wasn’t leaving? Dina was still there, beside her? She turned to look at her, and suddenly their faces were way too close. Dina’s eyes were blown in the low-light, her cheeks pink because of the cold. She could feel her breath on her lips.

It was like time had stopped, their eyes locked in the curb and the soft glow from the convenience store bathing them in blue. Her heart beating fast against her ribs.

Ellie cleared her throat, averting her gaze first. Dina hadn’t run away. She wouldn’t fuck it up now with a kiss. 

She stood up, stretching her hand for Dina to take, “let’s go to my house, don’t want you sneezing your ass on me at school.”

“Wow, Ellie, you should at least buy me dinner first,” she teased, and Ellie rolled her eyes, her cheeks warm.

“Shut up, dumbass,” Dina smiled, taking her hand to stand and following her up the street. 

They walked up in a comfortable silence, their hands brushing together. Ellie felt like a weight she’d been carrying on her shoulders had been lifted and she could breathe easier now. Maybe she wouldn’t be alone anymore.

“You know you can tell what’s bothering you, right?” She said, keys on her hands as she unlocked the door. “I can tell there’s some shit going on.”

“Oh, you got some shit radar?” Dina teased, stepping inside. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“I do, and it’s been beeping like crazy around you.”

They took off their shoes, and Ellie led Dina to the kitchen.

“Coffee?” she offered, but Dina scrunched her nose in disgust.

“No, that shit’s bitter,” she said and Ellie laughed.

“Thank you,” she started making two cups of hot chocolate. “Joel loves it, but it’s horrible,” she leaned on the counter, crossing her arms waiting for the milk to warm up. “ _‘Acquired taste’_ my ass.”

She poured in on the mugs and sat across from Dina, eyeing her over the rim. She kept stirring it, waiting for it to cool enough for her.

“My mom’s being a bitch,” she said, not lifting her eyes from the dark liquid. “She wants me to be someone I’m not, you know?”

Ellie hummed. The only thing Joel once expected from her was that she swore less, but she didn’t change and he gave up.

“Talia’s home and she’s always telling me how I should be more like her. The perfect Jewish girl, the perfect student, the perfect daughter,” she shrugged, lifting her eyes sheepishly. They were glinting with unshed tears. “I know it’s nothing compared to what you’ve gone through, but I’m so tired.”

Ellie looked at her, surprised. It didn’t cross her mind Dina was being ‘overdramatic’. “It doesn’t mean that what's happening to you isn’t hard to deal with,” it amazed her how soft her voice sounded. “Or that it isn’t bad. This isn’t a competition of scars.”

Dina sighed, sipping on her hot chocolate. She was so bad at that.

“Why were you in a T-shirt?” She asked and Dina let out an embarrassed laugh.

“I went out for an angry run,” she said, raising the mug again to hide half of her face, “forgot to take a jacket with me.”

Ellie hummed, unsure as to how to provide comfort and what to say. Should she push for more? The silence settled in, Ellie’s leg bouncing under the table. What should she do? She reached to her and squeezed Dina’s hand, remembering how it made her feel good. Whole. Comforted.

Dina’s hand was warm now, from holding the hot mug and she lifted her eyes to meet Ellie’s, smiling lightly.

“Do you want to watch Avatar?” she invited awkwardly before the moment stretched too long. Dina’s smile widened, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes yet.

“Sure.”

They sat on the sofa together, and Dina slowly moved closer and closer until she was snuggling Ellie, her head on her shoulder. Ellie had made them a bowl of popcorn and they ate while watching Appa get kidnapped in the desert.

“This episode is so sad,” Dina said, voice breaking, “look at how sad Momo is!”

Ellie chuckled lightly, stretching her legs on the table and munching a handful of popcorn. “Yeah, he’s really lonely without Appa.”

“I love him so much,” Dina kept going, her voice less strained as the episode progressed, “I think I’ll name my dog Appa.”

“You adopting a dog?” she furrowed her brow at Dina’s head. She’d stated with such confidence, like it was a fact.

“I mean, eventually,” Dina retorted, moving away to look at her. “My mom doesn’t like dogs.”

She was shocked. How could anyone not like dogs? “Cats?” she asked, but Dina shook her head. 

“Birds?” Dina shook her head once, “fish?” And again, now with a small smile on her lips.

“I think she hates everything that breathes. And that she can’t control,” Dina’s voice was calm, but there was an edge there. She sighed, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder again. 

Her breath got caught on her throat. Dina was too close, so close Ellie could feel her warmth through her back, distracting her from the show. So close she could smell her shampoo, like hibiscus and spices.

So close Ellie was afraid Dina could feel her heart beating fast against her back.

But there was more to it. It was the relief of telling someone that didn’t turn their back to her, the relief of being able to rely on someone that isn’t Joel. Of feeling she wasn’t alone anymore.

No, she she won’t fuck this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be taking a break from writing after this chapter, but I'll update asap.  
> Hope you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I'm writing, even with the _really_ slow burn pace :))  
> Stay safe friends.  
> Hugs,  
> -D


	13. Dina - I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Talia pushed her glasses up her nose, before smiling at Dina and ruffling her hair.

“Don’t be sad, sis, I’ll come back in Summer,” she said, closing her bag and stretching. Dina eyed her from the door, her framed pictures of her high school and university friends, the hamsa hand painting on the wall, her books lined on the shelf.

“I know,” she said quietly, adjusting her own hamsa bracelet on her wrist. Talia sighed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Look, I know mother can be… a handful,” she started, serious eyes behind her round glasses, “but know that I’m a call away. We can always Skype or whatever.”

Dina bit her lip. She knew it wasn’t Talia’s fault their mother liked her more, or thought she was better. She was better at following the Torah, better at being Jewish, a better daughter. 

Dina was a better runner, though.

She and Talia both excelled in school, but while Talia was in the photography club, Dina picked track to help her chances at getting a scholarship and because it was therapeutic. She loves running, and it felt good to have something that was _hers_. A place where she wasn’t under her sister’s shadow.

“I'll buy you running shoes from Marathon Sports for your birthday, okay?” Talia said, picking her bag and liking her arm with Dina’s as they went down the stairs, “for good luck, so you better win your race with it, sis. Someone gotta make the Almasi name famous.”

Dina chuckled at that, squeezing Talia’s arm. She didn’t want to be alone with their mother. She wished Talia didn’t have to leave, or that her university wasn’t so far, so maybe she could visit more often.

“I’ll see you in June, Dina,” she said, hugging her one last time before entering the car and driving away to the airport. “Say bye to Jesse for me!”

“June, yeah,” she mumbled to herself, hugging herself and looking back at her house, way too big for only the two of them. It looked grim against the grey sky behind. The sun was setting and she entered her house, mind made to take a nap.

She stepped up to her room, her socked feet making her feel like a ninja going up the stairs in silence. Talia had barely left but she already missed her. Dina groaned, throwing herself on her bed and closing her eyes.

"What did you get on the math test?" her mother asked, stern face looking down at her.

"An A-," she answered, sliding her backpack off her shoulders.

"Why not an A?" her mother quipped back, and Dina had to use all her willpower not to roll her eyes and get her ass slapped back to New Mexico. She stayed silent, because she had no way to answer in a way her mother would deem satisfying. 

“Talia’s average was an A, Adinah,” she crossed her arms, “I wish you were more like your sister,” her voice full of disappointment and then she turned on her heels and went back to the kitchen.

Dina sighed, forcing herself to go up the stairs to her room. She did her homework, changed her clothes and left the house for a run.

It felt good, to run and let the frustration leave her body, let it be replaced by the burn in her legs and in her lungs. What was she missing that made Talia so much better? She kept running, the sun slowly going down as she left her neighbourhood. 

When she started feeling tired she slowed down, sitting on the curb and letting her head fall between her knees.

An Asian boy she’d crossed sometimes ran by, his longs steps quickly sending him from one side to the other. He was cute, dark hair and tanned skin, kind smile and excited eyes. It was a pleasant surprise when he sat beside her.

“I’m Jesse,” he said with a smile. “I live close by.”

“Dina,” she smiled back, their sweaty faces glistening. “And I don’t.”

He laughed, and Dina relaxed there, sitting on the street, forgetting completely about her mother as she talked to her classmate. He was fun and gentle, and she felt at ease around him. 

The dream changed, and Jesse’s laugh still rang in her ear as he got closer, eyes nervous. He was older now, they were older. He held her hand, and his eyes were clear as he asked her on a date. 

Not the one in the paintball arena she’d given him as a Secret Santa present, but a proper one, after the winter holidays. Just the two of them. She nodded, and he bent down to kiss her cheek, but as he straightened, it was Ellie’s green eyes that looked at her.

“Dina, dinner’s ready,” her mother yelled annoyed because it probably wasn't the first time she’d called. She begrudgingly stood up, mind still hazed with sleep as she made her way to the door.

Ellie’s hoodie was tossed over her chair and she remembered running, chest full of anger and sadness and suddenly she was in Ellie's neighbourhood, at the convenience store she’d picked her up on Halloween.

She’d been so tired from listening to her mother complain about her, telling her how good of a daughter Talia was, how studious she was, how Dina could be more like her. How she should strive to be more like her.

She didn’t even notice how cold she was until Ellie had given her her hoodie, concerned eyes as she slipped it over her head. And Dina could feel how much Ellie cared, even if she always had that stoic mask up. In the way she was quick to give her the garment and sit beside her. How her eyes were sincere and remorseful when she’d told her about the scar on her forearm. Scared of Dina’s reaction. 

In the way she’d pulled her to her feet, leading her to her home in silence. How she’d let her know she could lean on her if she wanted, how her pain was valid. How she’d let herself be used as a pillow because she knew Dina liked cuddling and it made her feel better.

Ellie didn’t talk much if it wasn’t to say some dumb joke, but her actions spoke for her.

She walked down the stairs, sitting across from her mother. Talia would sit between them, maybe make conversation with her mother about her major in Anthropology and Dina would see her mother’s eyes shine with pride and glee. Then Talia would flash her a smile and a wink and they would sit on the sofa and watch movies together. 

“Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg is Jewish?” her mother started as both of them had their plates full of chelo. She loved the crispy rice and she knew Talia did too.

“Is he now?” she said, pretending to be interested so she wouldn’t get her ass slapped fast enough to meet Talia’s plane.

“Yes. I think you should be inspired by him. If he can do it, why can't you?” her mother watched her, hard eyes behind her thin glasses, but Dina made herself smile. “I’ve taped a column of the magazine on your wall.”

Her mother had created a small mural on her bedroom wall where she would stick motivational things for her. Like how successful Mark Jewish-Zuckberg was, of how there was no success without hardships. Dina was waiting for the day her mother would put Talia’s picture there too.

“Right. Thank you, mother,” she said, but the rice didn’t taste as good anymore. 

They barely put more effort in small talk after that, to which Dina didn’t really care enough anymore to try. 

“Adinah,” her mother called before she could slip up the stairs, “I’ve bought you some textbooks for Christmas. I left them on your desk for you.”

She nodded, looking at her mom from the corner of her eye and muttered a thank you before going up again. It was hard refraining herself from slamming the door shut but she flopped down on her bed again.

Fuck her mother. Fuck her textbooks and her expectations. Fuck Talia for leaving. 

She picked her phone from the nightstand, checking her messages. Jesse and the rest of the group were thinking of meeting for New Years, but she was pretty sure she would be stranded at home. 

_“Fun is an illusion,”_ she could hear her mother's voice inside her head. _“Don’t need to waste your limited time after you’ve already established your relationships.”_

Dina sighed, standing up and sitting at the desk.

Fuck her for still doing it.

They went to Cat’s house on New Years.

She lived beside Jesse, and their backyards were connected by a simple gate. Her house was pretty and very similar to Jesse’s, only that it had a lot more of art around. Paintings in acrylic, oil or watercolour were framed on the walls, alongside different types of sculptures. Cat was a talented artist, even if Dina would never tell her that. Or that she should maybe stick by paintings, because that’s where she truly shone.

They’d wanted to do a bonfire, but it snowed too much and the wood was too wet to catch fire properly, so they’d settled for an indoors meeting instead. 

Dina had arrived early with Jesse and Ellie to help Cat clean up and organize the living room for their friends. She was moving chairs around while Jesse swept the floor with a wet cloth, but she was really looking at Ellie.

At Ellie’s back, how her flannel hid her skinny frame. The curve of her neck and the lines of her jaw. How she smiled and pushed Cat lightly, the easy way they talked. Her arms as she helped Cat chop the vegetables.

“They’re getting along well, aren’t they?” Jesse asked, following her gaze, and then in a lower voice, “I think Cat likes her for real.”

Her head snapped back to him. Jesse was close, his eyes glinting with mischief, but it changed when he looked back at her. His features softened, and he looked down at her, a small smile on his lips. Her eyes fleeted down to his smile and back up.

“Do you think they’ll get together?” he asked, eyeing them again. 

And for some unknown reason, the thought of them together annoyed her. She didn’t want them together, didn’t want Ellie spending her time with Cat instead. Ellie felt like her best friend, and she didn’t want Cat to get in between them.

She shrugged, putting those feelings aside and smiling back at him. “I don’t know. Do you think Ellie likes her?”

Jesse shrugged and silence fell between them as they got back to work. It was quick and they were a good team, used to working together.

“So,” Jesse started again, a shy smile on his lips, “are you free on Thursday?”

Dina wasn’t surprised, not at all. She’d seen Jesse staring a bit too long at her, smiling a bit too much, leaving his hand to brush against hers. She’d noticed how he wasn’t doing a great job at hiding his crush on her.

And maybe those feelings she had - the easy companionship with him, the way he could make her heart skip a beat with his smile - maybe that was a crush too. He was cute, and he definitely made her feel things. 

“I am,” she smiled back at him, letting her hand fall on his arm.

“Do you want to go out on a date?”

She could hear Cat’s laugh, but Jesse’s smile was what made her heart skip a beat for a second.

“I’d love to,” she said, and it was true. His smile widened and he kissed her cheek before Cat ordered them to set up the table.

Cat sat beside Ellie on the sofa as they ate, waiting for the others to arrive. She touched Ellie’s arm and smiled. She could see Ellie’s cheeks turning pink, her shy smile, and Dina just wished Lucas and the others would arrive.

Ellie checked her phone, straightening up and scratching her neck.

“Well, I gotta go,” she said with a half smile, “made plans with the old man and I don’t wanna see him getting cranky.”

Dina pouted, her heart skipping a beat for all the wrong reasons. But they all nodded and Cat walked her to the door and she left to the cold outside.

“It’s a shame she couldn’t stay for longer,” Jesse said, sadness hinting in his voice. “At least we’re seeing her again on Monday.”

“Yeah,” Dina said, forcing a smile. The spot beside her already felt cold without Ellie, and she missed her presence in the room.


	14. Dina - You got blood on your face, your big disgrace

The cold made leaving the covers shitty and uncomfortable. All she wanted was to stay in bed, in the warmth, alone. Drift back to sleep, where there were no mothers, no school and no expectations.

Even later, when she was in school, all she could think about was getting home and actually feeling warm and comfortable.

Jesse was always there in between her classes, waving when they crossed each other on the corridors or walking together to her classes. They’d gone on a proper date and he’d kissed her before she went back home, just like on teenage movies.

Bonnie had seen it, not the kiss, but the way he was acting around her, and seemed unable to stop teasing him or pestering her about their relationship status.

Ellie and Cat seemed closer too, somehow. Cat was actually having lunch at the cafeteria with them most days, instead of holing up in the art classroom with Ms. Clark. She’d take her leather jacket off and slide her sweater up her forearms, showing her tattoos as if it wasn’t below 0°C outside. Dina supposed the steam from the kitchen, together with all the kids inside and the hots she had for Ellie helped her maintain herself warm enough.

“Have you guys seen Ellie?” Cat asked, sitting beside Jesse. Her forehead had lines of worry, but they all shook their heads. It was weird, because Ellie was a fast walker and she was never really late for lunch.

And then their phones buzzed at the same time with a message from Emma on the group chat: _‘i think ellie is gonna fight jordan’_

They bolted for the door, and Dina had never been so happy for being in the track team. She couldn’t feel the ground beneath her, she didn’t even know where to go, but her mind and her heart screamed _Ellie._ She ran, following the noise of yelling and students chatting, hoping it would make it easier to find them.

And then she saw Jordan, his dark eyes bloodshot and his black hair under his dirty cap throwing a punch at Ellie. Ellie, who had half her back turned to him, because she was handing back a girl’s books. 

The punch hit her on the cheek, and she stumbled a bit, catching herself on the lockers. Were those the eyes that made the kids think she’d killed someone? Her face was scrunched up, full of wrath and disgust as she pulled her fist back and hit Jordan with it.

She hit him hard on the nose, and blood started to drip down his shirt. Ellie had her fists up, still standing in front of the girl, her eyes trained on him. Dina could see the fire in Jordan’s eyes, but his friend had an arm around him, holding him down.

“Oh shit, Mr. Figgins’s coming!” someone yelled, and faster than ants fleeing fire the students scattered, Jordan’s friends pulling him away. He looked back at her, a promise in his eyes that it wasn’t over yet.

The fight now apparently over, Dina let herself take in the girl behind Ellie. She had Asian features and a big scar across her cheek. Ellie was talking to her, but Dina could only see her profile as she gave the girl a nod and turned towards the cafeteria, towards them. Fight had left her body and now she only looked anxious and tired.

Ellie’s eyes widened when their eyes met and she stopped. They locked eyes, and she could see fear in her eyes before her walls went up and it was only anger. She stood alone in the empty hallway, frozen to the ground.

Dina was the first to move, the first to reach Ellie and hug her. 

“What happened?” she asked, her voice laced with worry as she backed away to look at Ellie’s face. She looked up, away, licking her lips before answering.

“Jordan was bullying that girl, Yara. Being fucking racist and calling her ‘scarface’,” her voice was hard, her eyes still burning with anger. “So I _very eloquently_ told him it was racist to call her ‘ching chong’, and that he shouldn’t be jealous of her scar because I could give him one,” she paused, hissing in pain when Dina touched her cheek, “I may also have said he should try to remove his head from his ass since he was saying so much shit.”

Dina could only imagine how “eloquent” Ellie had been, with all her ability to curse like a sailor. Ellie had her eyes glued to the ground, shifting around her feet and twisting her fingers. She could feel Ellie’s body shaking slightly under her hands as her fingers touched Ellie’s face again, with more care now that she could see the place Jordan had hit swelling. 

“Are you okay?” Cat asked as Jesse looked around and shepherded them back to the cafeteria. She hoped Mr. Figgins would search for Jordan first, or that he hadn’t seen them fighting in the first place.

Ellie nodded stiffly, and Dina squeezed her hand.

There was a vulnerability there, though, hiding behind the sharpness of her rage when Ellie spoke again, “I hate just people like him.”

And Dina remembered her voice that night after Christmas, how she’d let her walls down for a moment, and Dina could see the vulnerability, how alone and scared she’d been. There was some of it in her eyes when they met Dina’s in the corridor, and she could see Ellie was remembering her years at the other school.

“He’s such an asshole,” Jesse said, pushing the doors of the cafeteria, “I can’t believe coach still lets him play after all the shit he’s pulled.”

Ellie stood there, though, just outside the doors with her hands in her pockets.

“You guys can go in, I’ll just finish up my art thing for Ms. Clark,” she shifted her feet before raising a hand, “I’ll see you guys in a few.”

And then she turned and left. 

They all stood there, watching her go, shoulders square and head low. Dina wanted to go after her, to keep her company and comfort her, but she had a feeling Ellie wanted to be alone. So she let her walk away, building her walls high again.

Even if Dina’s heart hurt for her.

“I heard there was a fight in school today,” her mother said as means of greeting when Dina slipped through the door.

Dina sighed to herself, wishing hard Sofer wasn’t in the synagogue or that she wasn’t the principal. Then maybe her mother wouldn’t know everything. She shrugged.

“Miriam didn’t tell me who the kids were, but she mentioned that a Mr. Figgins saw a commotion on the corridor,” her mother lifted her eyes from the notebook on her lap. “I hope this had nothing to do with your friend Jesse.”

She wanted to laugh. Of all her friends, she was talking about Jesse? Jesse who had never hurt anyone? Jesse, who had been playing as a halfback because he prefered to run fast than to tackle kids to the ground. Kind, gentle Jesse?

“He doesn’t fight, mom,” she said, controlling the urge to roll her eyes.

“You have to be careful with these goyim boys, Adinah,” her mother quipped back, disapproval in her voice, “they’re no good. Violent-”

She felt anger bubbling inside her. Anger at her mother’s words, at her closed-mindedness, her lack of respect. “Jesse’s not like that, mother,” she managed through gritted teeth.

“I hope he isn’t, Adinah,” her mother shifted her attention back to the computer, and Dina took it as her cue to go to her room. “I hope you’ve been looking for colleges to apply.”

She breathed in, her back still to her mother as she faced the stairs. “I have, mother.” 

Her mother wanted her to go to a nearby college and study some business related program so she could help with the family business. And close enough that her mother could keep an eye on her. 

The thing was, Dina wasn’t even sure what she wanted to do yet. She knew being on the track team made her look good for universities, and she felt like she wanted to keep studying, but she didn’t know what major yet.

She had no concrete idea what she wanted about her future, about what she wanted to major in, and she hated when her mother would bring it up.

Truth be told, she really liked Maths and fixing some old shit she found around the house, like the walkie-talkies she and Talia had when they were kids. It was exciting to figure the wires out, to tinker with it and the pride that came when she actually got it working.

Maybe she had an idea of what she kinda wanted to do in college, but she wasn’t sure if she could actually do it. Wriggle herself out of her mother’s claws, out of all the expectations placed upon her and _try_.

She sighed at the open textbook on her table. She technically had a year to figure it out. Maybe she could go study with Talia, away from her mother. Dina started to solve the problems, working the graphs of complex numbers.

She could see Ellie’s concentrated expression in her mind when they were studying together in the library, her furrowed brow and how she always spun the pencil over her hand. Her green eyes reading the words, her hand moving fast as she scribbled numbers away and the smug smirk when she got it right. She remembered tracing her face with her eyes, the sharpness of her jawline, the curve of her cheek when she smiled, the glint in her eyes.

“Focus, Dina,” she mumbled to herself, “you can do it alone, you don’t need Ellie to help you.”


	15. Ellie - I kissed a girl (and I liked it)

She was in Cat’s house, because she had a big art assignment that was due the next day and she had forgotten about it, so now Ellie was there to help her out. Ellie didn’t really blame her, she knew the dangers of procrastination. 

Cat had gathered her hair in a very small ponytail, and a lot of it was already out of it. She was in an old T-shirt and shorts, both with paint stains. It was actually hot enough now that Ellie could survive with just her flannel inside, so she pulled her sleeves up her elbow, making sure it wouldn’t be anywhere near the wet paint.

“So… what do you want to do?” she asked, eyeing the big canvas on the table.

“I’m not sure yet. The teacher said it had to have some impressionist vibe with the techniques, but we can paint whatever,” Cat said, her eyes leaving the white canvas for a second to look at her. “But I was thinking of doing a landscape, because that’s very Monet.”

“Then it gotta have some big-ass flower field,” she thought out loud. “If we’re doing Monet.”

Cat smiled, nodding in agreement and picking up a pencil. She started outlining some shapes, asking Ellie’s opinion of where she should place the elements of her piece. At the end, they had a sketch of a cliff and a lighthouse at the top, and everywhere on the hill leading to it were flowers.

“I like this,” Cat’s smile was bright and her eyes shined in excitement. It was pretty cute, if you asked Ellie. “Let’s paint.”

Cat transferred the sketch to the canvas, then passed Ellie a paintbrush. They started with the background, the blue sky and the ocean below, the waves crashing against the cliff’s stone.

“Since when do you have tattoos?” Ellie asked, spreading the paint on the canvas.

“Since I was 16 and my cousin started doing tattoos,” she answered, shrugging. “I’ve always known I wanted them, so when he finished college and started the parlour I was basically one of his first clients.”

“That’s cool,” she dipped the brush in the paint again, “did it hurt a lot?”

“Depends on the place. Where you have a lot of flesh hurts less than where it’s really bony,” she explained, glancing at Ellie with a playful smirk, “why so curious, are you thinking of getting one?”

She thought for a second. Tattoos were cool, she was sure of that, but also… Ellie eyed the scar on her forearm. It would be a pretty nice way of hiding that. She could have an amazing piece of art on her arm _and_ it would double as camouflage.

“Yeah, I am.”

Cat’s eyebrows shot up and her smile grew wider. “We can go together if you want. I’m thinking of getting another one on my arm.”

“Sure. That’d be cool,” she mirrored Cat’s grin, but her gaze felt too heavy and her cheeks were hot so Ellie moved her eyes back to the canvas. “Thanks.”

She was weirdly aware of Cat’s eyes on her, of her body beside her, of her tattooed arm as they painted together. She felt awkward, and she wished Cat had put some songs to play in the background so it would distract her of the silence and of her thoughts. Thoughts of how weird Ellie was and how close Cat stood…

It was starting to look a lot like The Cliff Walk at Pourville, except there were no girls but a lighthouse at the top. It was starting to become alive, and it made both of them excited. Ellie loved that part of painting. When the idea became more, when the colours weren’t random spots around the canvas but actually something, when it became something beautiful.

And Cat was an amazing artist, and her work was stunning. It had the lack of lines and the shifting of colours of Monet, but it also had Cat. In the way she’d placed the strokes, in the palette she’d chosen and the overall vibe of it. Ellie couldn’t place exactly where Cat was, but she could see her there in the canvas.

“This canvas is really beautiful, Cat,” she saw herself saying, awe in her voice.

Cat was looking at her, a soft smile on her lips, though her eyes had that dangerous glint on them. It made Ellie swallow hard, suddenly nervous at the shift in the atmosphere when they locked eyes. She put her brush down, her hand touching Ellie’s.

“Not only the canvas,” her voice was low, barely more than a whisper, and Ellie was acutely aware of her breath on her lips, of her body close in front of her, of her warm hand on hers. Of Cat’s dark eyes fleeting between her lips and her eyes. Of her own fast heartbeat.

And then Cat closed the distance between them, just a quick brush of her lips against Ellie’s. Her arm was around Ellie’s neck, pulling her down and closer, and everything stopped for a second. Her heart was beating too fast, and her mind didn’t catch up with what was happening fast enough.

“I’m sorry, Ellie-” Cat started, taking a step back and lowering her eyes.

“No. No, you did nothing wrong,” she tried to reassure her. She really hasn't it was just… Surprise and memories. “I was just surprised, that’s all.”

She searched for something in Ellie’s eyes, and chuckled when she found it, “you’re cute.”

Cat smiled then, approaching her again. She held Ellie’s face in her hands, and slowly closed the distance between them. It gave Ellie time to prepare, to brace herself, to know what was going to happen. Ellie’s hands were holding her waist as their lips pressed again.

Cat’s hands were on her neck, on her arms, sending shivers down her spine. Ellie pulled her closer by the waist, enjoying Cat’s smaller body pressed against hers. It was both good and bad, because she still felt the weight of her past on her shoulders. 

Then she felt something wet on the back of her hand.

“Wait,” she managed between kisses, “there’s something on my hand.”

“Well, me-” Cat started, but she’d stepped back enough to see the paintbrush that was on her hand had slipped down, and her hand had now a big blue spot of wet paint. Her hand and the side of Cat’s T-shirt.

“Holy shit,” she said, pointing at the thick line in her shirt, “I’m sorry.”

Cat laughed, shaking her head. “It’s okay, this shirt is already stained from a lot of paintings.”

Ellie nodded, unsure as to what to say. Kissing Cat had been fun, and she could do it again, but she also needed space to process it. Cat seemed to somehow agree they should resume it later, because she bit her lip before picking the brush again with a sigh.

“Work before pleasure,” she said in a defeated tone, but sent Ellie a wink anyway. And then resumed painting, almost as if nothing had happened.

Ellie tried to wrap her mind into what had just happened. She had felt surprised but she’d managed to keep the memories away. She didn’t relive it, and she actually managed to kiss Cat back.

“Do you know what you’ll get?” Ellie asked after some time, the silence too awkward for her.

“I’m thinking about it. I have some designs in my mind, but I’ll have to see what fits my sleeve,” she looked at her through the corner of her eye. “Do you know what you want?”

She shook her head. 

“Well, he has a lot of cool stuff. Or maybe we can draw something together,” Cat was so excited it was hard not to smile with her.

“I think I’d like to try and draw something.”

Ellie touched her lips while she lied on her bed, still feeling Cat’s lips pressed against hers. Her heart was beating fast in her chest as she recalled what had happened. Cat had kissed her. Maybe she even liked her! And the thought scared her, but it also made her happy.

Sure, she’d been kind of scared the first time, but she blamed it on the fact she wasn’t really expecting it and it had almost brought the memories back. But she’d managed to push them away, to keep her head cool and her heart calm. She was fine.

They had been circling each other since the beginning really, with Cat’s touches and stares. It felt nice to be with her, to talk about art and joke around. It felt natural. 

She giggled nervously in her bed, closing her eyes and trying to sleep.

But she was too excited, and this was too new and she couldn’t calm herself enough to sleep, so she walked to her desk and opened her notebook.

She jotted down some thoughts about Cat, how she was nice and kind, and then drew a picture of her, holding a pencil as she drew something. She looked calm and confident, with a soft smile on her lips as her hair fell slightly over her eyes.

_“Maybe we can draw something,”_ she’d said.

Music spilled softly through her earbuds as she kept sketching. It wasn’t her design yet, but it was an idea, and maybe Cat could help her perfect it. 

She slowly felt herself getting tired, her head falling on top of her arms on the table. She dreamt of Cat, slowly making her way towards her with a smile. Cat kissed her, slow and steady, but when she stepped back, it was Dina’s brown eyes that looked at her.

The notebook was open under her, with a drawing of a moth over leaves.


	16. Ellie - Am I someone you cannot live without?

It wasn’t getting warm fast enough.

Ski season _was_ from November until April, which meant it was fucking cold and snowing for almost half of the year. And it was annoying to see everyday the same light grey sky as she walked to school.

She was glad no one had asked her about Jordan since their little quarry in the corridor, and she was glad no one had ratted them out. Apparently Mr. Figgins was a bit too slow on his feet and there was no one there when he arrived and the school had no proof her bruise wasn’t from a fall.

Where all the other teachers were she didn’t know, but she was glad they weren’t there.

Now they would only exchange death-glares everytime they crossed paths or Ellie had to wait for Jesse’s practice to finish so they could hang out or study math. Ellie had a feeling, though, he was asking her to fight somewhere outside the school, just the two of them.

Did she want to? Yes. Would she? _Probably_ not.

Yara seemed in peace now too, which was good. She was a freshman, so Ellie only saw her on the hallways, but no one bothered her anymore, and she was actually walking with two other girls. 

Her relationship with Cat was kind of weird, though. They weren’t dating, but they weren’t just friends. They would kiss sometimes when Ellie went over, and it sometimes became a full make out session that would usually end with them finishing up Ellie’s tattoo design.

It was pretty cool, if Ellie could say so herself. It had her moth, now shaded on the wings and on its body and two sets of leaves behind. One white and the other had its tiny leaves colored in. It was awesome and beautiful and she couldn’t wait to get it tattooed on her forearm.

“What you thinking so hard?” Dina asked her, bringing her attention back to the notebooks open on the table. 

They had been studying in the library since Dina had finished her track practice and Ellie was back from kickboxing. But she was tired from the physical exercise, and her mind actually felt sluggish, even for math. 

“Nothing important,” she answered, scratching the back of her neck.

Dina didn’t look very focused on their textbooks either, and she yawned. “I can’t do this anymore, wanna grab a coffee?”

“Coffee? Ew, no, that’s disgusting,” she said, even though she was putting her stuff in her backpack and Dina rolled her eyes at her.

“I know, let’s go.”

They walked in silence and as they walked through the salted pavement, Ellie couldn’t help but remember the night after Christmas, when they’d talked on the curb at the convenience store. Ellie didn’t even know why she had opened up to Dina, but the words fell easily from her lips, like Dina was meant to hear them.

Dina’s genuine eyes, her head on her shoulder, how she’d stayed and opened up. Their friendship had grown deeper since then, and it kept Ellie’s heart full. After everything that happened with Leah and Nora at the other school, she was happy she’d found friends here.

“You know Jesse and I are dating, right?” Dina blurted out as they approached the café. It took her a lot of willpower not to roll her eyes at that, because _everyone_ knew.

Ellie hadn’t been surprised when they started, because she knew Jesse liked Dina for a long time, and she’d heard Bonnie nagging them about dating for weeks after the holidays.

“Yeah?” Dina bit her lip, looking at her from the corner of her eye.

“But I don’t know if things are gonna work out,” she said, voice quiet. It seemed like she’d been thinking about this, because there was some sort of confusion behind her eyes, like she was trying to figure something out.

“Why?”

Her body held a weird kind of tension as she kept her head forward, as she let the question hang in the air and drop. Ellie wondered if she shouldn’t have asked, because Dina was just so quiet and it was weird because she was always talking. Dina shrugged.

“It’s weird. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right,” she said and Ellie watched her reddened nose in the cold, the puff of air condensating in from on them. She wasn’t sure if she should say something, because Dina never talked to her about Jesse.

And she wasn’t sure if Dina just wanted to talk of if she wanted to be comforted. So she reached out and squeezed Dina’s hand, meaning to say “that sucks” with it. She looked at Ellie with a tentative smile on her lips.

“Thanks,” Dina said, and squeezed back.

But Ellie still felt kind of awkward, because maybe Dina had some kind of expectation, maybe she had wanted her to say something then, and she didn’t. Or maybe she was just overthinking shit again.

They sat inside the café and Ellie stretched her legs under the table, eyeing the menu knowing she would just get the hot chocolate again.

“Are you guys already in marine biology?” Dina asked her as they waited for the waitress to return with their drinks. 

“Yeah,” he said, and then made her voice sound really serious, like she was telling Dina an important scientific fact, “how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Dina looked at her, puzzled. It was obvious the mismatch between her tone and her words confused her enough to leave her speechless for a second.

“Ten tickles.”

“That was… awful,” she stated, but there was just this hint of a smile on her lips and on her eyes that made Ellie’s heart flutter.

“No it wasn’t,” she nodded at the waitress and sipped at her mug, “what were you gonna ask?”

“I don’t get that thing with the coral reef and the algae.”

"It's just that global warming makes the ocean water, well, warm," she chuckled awkwardly, looking at Dina’s eyes, "and it kills the algae that live in the coral reef, so they become white because they are dead.”

“What?”

“‘Cause, you know, the thing that makes the reefs so colourful is the algae that lives inside them. They live in a mutualistic interaction, so without the algae, reefs are just a weird limestone skeleton.”

Ellie knew that even though she was horrible at explaining whatever, Dina understood her. But there was something more there too, a different glint in the way her eyes dropped and she licked her lips. And then sipped at her own mug.

Ellie felt like the air between was charged, though she didn’t know why. Dina was tense and she was tense because she felt like Dina was on the edge of her seat. 

“Thanks,” she said and her eyes met Ellie’s again with a smile and she relaxed. Dina wasn’t mad at her, but Ellie had a feeling she was _something_.

“Do you wanna come over and watch a movie or play video games?” Ellie asked as they stood to leave.

“Are you inviting me to Netflix and chill? Or PS4 and chill?” she teased, obviously enjoying the way Ellie’s cheeks reddened.

“Dick,” she said, shoving her hands on her pockets and pushing the door open, hearing Dina laugh behind her.

“Dumbass,” she said right after, following Ellie uphill to her apartment. 

“So I don’t need to buy you dinner first?” she smirked at her over her shoulder, in a split second of confidence. Dina’s mouth was open in shock and Ellie laughed. So worth it. “Your face!”

Dina pushed her.

“You’re so stupid,” Ellie didn’t even have to look to know she was rolling her eyes.

“But you love it.”

The walk was comfortable, except for the cold winds that blew through their clothes. Dina’s shoulder would sometimes bump hers, or their hands would brush and Ellie would feel small electric shocks through her body.

She unlocked the door, leading them inside and fixing both of them another cup of hot chocolate. Dina sat on the sofa, picking up a controller while her eyes tracked Ellie’s movements. 

“What are we gonna play?”

“What do you wanna play?” she sat beside Dina, stretching her legs on the centre table and shifting through her games. “I’ve been playing this one, it’s basically about a gangster in the old West. You can shoot a lot of people and ride horses or whatever, it’s pretty non-linear.”

“Won’t I mess up what you’ve done?”

“Nah. Just try not to kill any major NPC and we should be fine”

“Okay,” she complied and Ellie handed her the controller and went back to drinking from her mug.

Dina wasn’t horrible, but she wasn’t good. It was almost like watching Joel, except she was a bit better at controlling the camera. Watching her was fun, and Ellie’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

“Ellie... I think your horse is getting sick,” Dina stated, thoughtful.

Ellie looked at her, Dina’s eyes meeting hers and then back at the TV. Was Boadicea getting sick? Was this some important plot point in the game and she was missing the details leading to it? She considered standing up and going to the TV.

“What? How can you tell?”

“She sounds a little hoarse,” Dina said, sipping from her cup. She looked at Ellie from the corner of her eyes, a glint on them.

“Oh boy,” she sighed, but she couldn’t help but smile.


	17. Dina - I'm looking to the sky to save me

It wasn’t starting to get warm, but prom was getting close.

And track season.

And the finals week of the trimester.

It was fucking hell on high school.

Dina tried hard not to let her head fall on the desk, but she didn’t want to hear anything about the binomial theorem or about how to solve equations by graphing. She wanted to close her eyes and rest. Truly rest, her mind, body and soul.

She felt a quick but sharp pain on her ear, and she stared daggers at Ellie, who was just taking notes, concentrated.

“I know it was you,” she hissed, “jerk.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I do not,” there it was, the tiny smile tugging at her lips.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.

“You can’t prove it,” Ellie smirked at her, and it was just so irritating that she huffed in exasperation. 

“You’re so annoying.”

“Ms. Almasi and Ms. Williams. Silence, please,” Ms. Junod called from the front and they nodded.

“Fuck you,” she whispered at Ellie, because she saw her opening her mouth and because she still had that stupid smile on her lips. Ellie stuck her tongue out at her and kept taking notes.

She knew Ellie had done it so Dina wouldn’t fall asleep, but it was just to fucking annoying. Why would she do it by flicking her ear, for God's sake? On the bright side, it had pissed her off enough that she didn’t feel tired anymore, so she actually managed to write down some notes.

“We gonna study after practice?” she asked Ellie as they walked out of the classroom, trying not to yawn.

“Are you sure? You look pretty tired,” Ellie countered, just the slight furrow of her brow.

“Yes, I am,” she held her binder tightly on her chest, pushing through the students. “It’s not for me, though. It’s Jesse.”

“And Bonnie?”

“Yeah. He needs to do well on the next Math test, or he’ll be benched, and Coach G won’t let Bonnie in the team after she almost flunked last year, so she needs to do well in Math _and_ in Chemistry.”

“That sucks,” Ellie said, and they sighed.

“It does.”

And now they were sitting in the café, because they could never keep silent in the library. And sitting outside in the not-so-cold cold because Bonnie’s loud voice would mostly disturb the other customers.

Dina was still helping Bonnie because she knew Ellie would never have enough patience to answer all her simple questions. And also because she was a terrible teacher and Bonnie would have a hard time understanding her.

And also because she and Jesse had this weird bromance going on and she didn’t want to get involved.

Their voices were low as Ellie pointed where Jesse had gotten something wrong and he erased it with a frown. Ellie had her legs stretched under the table, spinning her pencil over her hand, watching over his shoulder as he solved the problem again.

“Dude, you can stare when I’m not here,” Bonnie said, nudging her side, “or just when my life is not threatened.” 

Dina rolled her eyes, pushing her back.

“Shut up and pay attention. And your life isn’t threatened.”

“Well, it will be if I don’t pass!”

She sipped on her hot chocolate, revising all that Bonnie was writing, and it wasn’t half-bad. They could do it. If Bonnie was getting somewhere, she could only guess Jesse was doing well with Ellie too.

She spared them a glance, and Ellie looked up at the same, giving her a thumbs up and a small smile. 

And that alone made her heart speed up.

It was weird, that kind of relationship they’ve developed. Their deep sense of friendship, rooted in trust and companionship. It was weird because Dina had kind of talked to her about her mother, and she only bitched about her with Talia. It was weird because she wanted to tell her more. It was weird because her eyes always searched for Ellie in the crowd. It was weird because when they were together she couldn’t help but stare.

Whatever, _it doesn’t matter._

Then they put their things away and started their trek uphill to Dina’s car. At first she had parked there because she had to buy groceries for dinner, but then she just kept parking there because then she would walk a bit with Ellie before they split. And because no one tried to park so far from school, so it was like _her_ spot now.

Dina walked hand in hand with Jesse, and it was easy, to hold his hand and talk about school and football and joke around. His hand was strong and familiar and she felt her heart getting warm thinking about him, and she smiled to herself.

“Hey Ellie, do you want to watch a movie with us?” Jesse asked, and Ellie shifted in her place, tugging at the straps of her backpack.

“No, thanks. I-Uh… Have a thing already,” she said, lifting her hand to wave them off and cross the road. “Maybe next time.”

“Okay, see ya tomorrow!” he called after her, and they walked to Dina’s car.

Dina had a feeling this “thing” was called Cat.

And she felt something in her stomach turn, cold and solid. She wished she could make Ellie bail on Cat, but she realized that wasn’t very nice of her. What the actual fuck? She shouldn’t care with whom Ellie spent her free time.

Oh, but she did.

She ran on the indoors court, focusing on her breathing and not on the steps of the other girls coming closer. Her lungs had that ache that she had become addicted to and she felt good.

“That was pretty good, girls,” Coach G said, taking notes on her clipboard and nodding at them. “Keep it up and we’ll win this year again.”

The girls smiled at each other, picking up their bags and leaving for the locker room. They seemed excited and confident, which was good, and Dina knew that it was Coach G that did it. She was stern and demanding, but also kind and caring. 

“Dina, wait a second, please.” she called, and Dina looked up at her. She was young and beautiful with her dark skin and dark eyes and long curls that were now in a bun at the top of her head. “Have you already thought about which college to apply to?”

She gave her a half-smile. “Not yet, Coach.”

She nodded, eyeing her seriously but with pride, “you’re fast, Dina. And your grades are excellent, too. You have serious chances of getting a scholarship and maybe even in one of the big ones.”

Dina forced herself to keep the smile on her face, “thank you, Coach.”

Coach G nodded her off, letting Dina turn around and get her bag. She honestly didn’t want to think about the future right now, because it was scary. She wasn’t sure what she wanted to do with her life, what she wanted to major in, which school she should go to. Her grades were good, sure, and she was fast, but it meant nothing if she didn’t know what to do with it.

“Just think about it,” Coach called after her, and she nodded, waving at her before stepping back to the locker room.

The last thing she wanted was to think about it. Because thinking about it made her feel dumb and lost and technically she still had a year to be sure. 

She just wished an angel could descend from the sky and tell her what she should do.

“You think she’s giving us the varsity jackets next week?” She heard as she stepped in. Most of them were in different stages of getting undressed and dressed back into normal clothes. 

“I guess. The season is almost starting, so she gotta,” Maggie, a senior, said shrugging. She was most likely to be this year's captain too, and she was nice and competitive, which kind of got on Dina's nerves sometimes, because she was competitive too.

“I’m so excited to wear it,” Sam said, and there was a rush of agreements around. Dina wasn’t really in the mood to join, she just wanted to go home and sleep.

“Who are you guys going to prom with?” Maggie asked, and Dina tuned out their voices as she pulled her jeans up her legs. She was going with Jesse, obviously, though it felt more like they were going as a group.

She wondered if Ellie would be there. 

She didn’t feel like Ellie actually liked school, and she kind of hated parties, so she didn’t really have a reason to be there. Dina couldn’t even picture her in a prom dress and with makeup on. 

But she hoped Ellie would come, because she knew she would miss her there.

At the end, they settled for dinner before the dance, to which Ellie wasn’t going. Dina was still a bit hurt Ellie ditched them for a movie night with Joel, but she should’ve guessed junior/senior prom wasn’t her cup of tea.

Her dress was dark green and Jesse had actually gotten a tie that matched. Her hair was up, leaving her neck exposed to the cold early-March air and giving her an elegant look.

“You look amazing, Dina,” he said, leaning in and kissing her as he entered the car. 

“Thank you, Jesse,” her lips lingered on his for a second and she smiled. One of his hands was on her face, and the other moved to rest on her waist.

“Oh my God, can’t you wait for when we’re already in school?” Bonnie said from the backseat, and Jesse actually squealed.

“What the fuck are you even doing here?”

“Going to prom, duh,” she said and flicked his ear from behind. “Can’t believe Ellie won't be joining us.”

Dina shrugged, starting the car and going to Lucas’s. She wished Ellie would be there, but she also couldn’t blame her for staying at home. She knew the dance would be a lot less fun without her there too, but she’d be sure to make her go next year.

“Who knows, maybe Cat convinced her,” Jesse said, looking back at her.

“Cat?” Dina heard herself asking.

“She told me they’re dating now,” he said nonchalantly, looking outside the window as they approached Lucas’s neighbourhood. “I mean, she called Ellie her girlfriend, so.”

She nodded, feeling suddenly more annoyed at Cat than she normally was. It was weird and ugly, this cold in her stomach that sat there uncomfortably enough to piss her off. So Ellie was dating Cat? Of all people, Cat?

She huffed in irritation, stopping in front of Lucas and waiting for him to get inside. He was wearing a navy suit that really suited him and they all complimented him when he sat inside.

“Is Emma driving with Mike?” Bonnie asked him and they talked as Dina turned back to school. He nodded and she tuned them out.

She wanted Ellie to be there with them, but instead she was having movie night with Joel and Dina would have to talk to Cat, because Cat was Jesse’s friend and they loved each other. 

It was just that it was always so fun with Ellie.

She could always make her laugh, make her forget her shit and she just felt so comfortable, so at ease with her. 

There were a lot of kids already there, and Dina noticed it was decorated like a 80’s disco, with a big mirrorball, and neon shit all around. The student council thing had done quite a good job at it, because the gymnasium had a major Flashdance vibe.

“That’s a really good sign, Cat,” Jesse said as a greeting. She was also in a white dress that showed them all her tattoos.

“Thanks. Ellie helped me,” and she flashed them a grin that made Dina’s skin crawl.

Why was she so pissed?

Because it was Cat, of all people, and maybe she didn’t care about Cat, but she cared about Ellie, and in her not so humble opinion, she wasn’t right for Ellie. 

They danced, talked and drank punch, and Jesse and Dina sneaked some heated kisses here and there. And it was fun, to be there with her friends, and she had an awesome time.

But at the end of the night, she still missed Ellie’s presence.


	18. Dina - I don’t get angry, I get even

Bonnie walked beside her as they went to the café to study. Jesse would probably be arriving shortly with Ellie, and the thought of seeing them made her happy.

The finals were approaching quite fast, and Bonnie and Jesse needed help to pass the year, so obviously Dina had dragged Ellie to help her manage. 

“Where’s Ellie?” Bonnie asked her when they went around the corner, because Jesse was sitting and waiting for them alone.

“At kickboxing, I guess,” she shrugged, kissing Jesse and sitting down.

But the minutes stretched and Ellie wasn’t there, and Dina could sense the tension, the worry they shared. Ellie was only late in the mornings, because she had an awful habit of oversleeping, but she should be there already. Her gym wasn’t even that far.

“Should we try to call her?” Jesse asked, already dialing but letting his thumb hover over the call button. Better safe than sorry, right? 

She nodded, and he pressed the phone to his ear, hearing the beeps.

“She’s not answering.”

“Well, fuck,” she mumbled, unsure as to what they should do now. She didn’t really know where her gym was, and now she felt dumb she never asked. None of them knew where it was, but she vaguely knew the direction Ellie came from, so she stood up.

“I’ll look for her, call me if she arrives,” she said, and they nodded, serious faces in concern.

And she had to control herself not to run in the street, but her steps were fast and she looked everywhere for Ellie. 

And when Dina saw her, relief washed over her, until Ellie was close enough that Dina could see why she was late.

Her lip was busted and there was a bit of dried blood on her hairline. She had a slight gait to her step, and had her hands shoved into her pockets. 

“Ellie?” and then they made eye contact. Ellie’s green eyes were burning, pure rage in them as she looked at Dina. “What happened?”

She tugged at the straps of her backpack, and Dina saw blood on her knuckles.

“Nothing. I’m okay,” her voice was low, and she knew the anger wasn’t towards her. But it wasn’t nothing, because she got into some kind of fight, and she was never hurt after practice.

Which means it didn’t happen in her gym.

And the only fucker she could think about was Jordan.

“Did Jordan do it to you?” she asked, getting angry and stepping closer. She put her hands on her arms, and Ellie rolled her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter who did it, Dina,” she said, anger still burning but her voice was emotionless. “nothing is gonna happen.”

And she had a feeling this was also about what happened in her other school, the shit she went through that no one intervened until it was too late. She wasn’t sure what she should do, because they were outside school and Dina couldn’t prove it was Jordan. She wasn’t even sure what she could do for Ellie, and she saw herself touching her face again, the dried blood at the top of her forehead and her cheek.

“That’s all kinds of fucked up, Ellie,” she said in a low voice. It hurt her to see Ellie like that, beaten up and angry, and she felt annoyed and helpless.

“It’s fine, Dina, really,” her eyes were really bright, the fight was slowly leaving her body but not her eyes, and it kind of worried her.

“Right,” and then she fell into step beside her and texted Jesse to let him know she’d found Ellie. “You should go home.”

“I’m helping Jesse first,” she countered, stubbornly. “they gotta pass and stay in the team.”

And it was fucking frustrating how she was acting like it was nothing, but her eyes told her something different. And as they sat in the café, Dina was sure this wasn’t over.

And she hoped Ellie wouldn’t fuck this up too much in the almost two months they still had til June.

Dina watched Ellie growing impatient each day. Her lip was almost completely sealed, and the cut on her forehead was almost imperceptible. But she still had that fire in her eyes, and Dina knew she was plotting something.

She couldn’t do much, though, because they were in school and she knew Joel would kick her ass if Ellie did something really bad, so Dina hoped that would knock some sense in her thick skull. 

So maybe Ellie would settle for annoying the shit out of Jordan in school, or she would find a way to fight outside school. 

Maybe one would lead to the other.

And it was with worry in her head that she approached Ellie, who was casually leaning on the corridor, her arms crossed on her chest, and her eyes searching for something. She looked calmer, but she was also good at hiding her feelings, so Dina couldn’t be really sure.

“Hey,” she greeted and Ellie gave her the thin-lipped smile she was used to.

“Hey,” and Dina kind of wanted to ask what she was doing there, if she was waiting for Cat, but Ellie beated her to it, “have you seen Lucas ? Or Jesse?”

“No?” She narrowed her eyes, because Ellie seemed a bit too excited, and it all seemed a bit too sketchy. She couldn’t really put a finger on it, though. Was it the way she looked like she was trying not to smile? Or maybe the mischief in her eyes? “Why?”

She shrugged, but the smile slipped through her lips, and she sighed.

“Did you know you can mail shit to people?”

She just looked at Ellie, dumbfounded. Did she hear it right?

“What?”

“Yeah, you can actually send like, gorilla or elephant crap to someone,” her green eyes were shining, and it made Dina nervous and warm.

“Please don’t ever send me elephant poop,” she said, still kind of confused as to where this was leading.

“They have cow dung too,” she said with a smirk and Dina rolled her eyes, punching her arm.

“Just don’t send me any kind of shit, how about that?”

Ellie laughed, and seeing her smile like that made Dina’s heart flutter for a second.

“Fine.”

And then they saw Jesse and Lucas walking hastily towards them, both of them trying to hold the laugh in. Jesse pecked her lips and took her hand in his.

“Are you coming too?” He asked, and Dina looked between all the three of them, and she knew it couldn’t be good, but with Lucas being there it couldn’t be too bad either.

“Where?”

“Oh, you’re definitely coming,” Lucas said, and the four of them walked together in the corridor. 

Usually they would be walking towards the café to tutor Jesse and Bonnie, but it seemed like they would take a detour first.

“You guys know that Jordan had classes at the Aquarium, right?” Ellie said, referring to the building where she had English classes. With all the students leaving class and walking around, it would usually take someone almost 3 minutes to cross back to where they were, if not more since classes had just ended and no one needed to rush.

They agreed, and Ellie stopped at the archway in the corridor, leaning on the wall between two rows of lockers. Dina closed her eyes, silently praying she had connected the dots wrong.

And then they saw Jordan coming from the other end of the corridor, walking with his group of friends. They watched as he opened his locker, and Dina saw the corner of Ellie ‘s mouth curl up, her eyes on him.

Jordan’s brows furrowed, and he picked a nicely wrapped box, red and had a bow on top. And he had a puzzled smile on his face as he put his stuff inside his locker to open the present.

Her heart was beating fast in her chest, and she heard them all inhale, waiting.

And then Jordan opened it, and they all watched his face contort in all three stages of anger. It was surprise and confusion, then disgust, then absolute hatred. And it was hilarious.

And then everyone was talking about it in the corridor, while he stood holding a box of poop, his face getting red.

She heard Ellie snicker under her breath, looking pretty proud of herself. Until Jordan looked their way, burning with rage.

And then Ellie flipped him.

“Jesus, aren’t you scared for your life?” Lucas asked, slapping Ellie’s hand and pulling her towards the corridor they had been.

“We’re in school, and,” she checked her phone, “there will be at least two teachers in this corridor in 30 seconds.”

They were almost at the end of the corridor, because all the four of them were power walking away from where Jordan’s locker stood. Dina looked over her shoulder, to see an enraged Jordan making his way in the sea of students, and Mr. Figgins and Mr. Boulos talking in the doorway of a classroom.

Jordan saw them too, and it just seemed like it fueled his rage, the impossibility of him doing anything at the moment, and Ellie was walking away, confidence in her step and a smug grin on her face.


	19. Ellie - They tell me your blue sky's faded to gray

Football season had ended already, so Jesse just had to hang on on his grades for next year. Bonnie and Dina, on the other hand, had their season just beginning now that it was Spring. It was getting warmer and the track team was starting to train outside again.

She recalled Dina’s gentle hands touching her face after Jordan had ganged up on her outside her gym. Her worried eyes. And she forced herself to remember that it was Dina, and Dina was a touchy person. It meant nothing.

But Ellie would be lying if she said her heart hadn’t skipped a beat when her hand touched her. When she felt Dina’s caring touch, when she saw how close they were.

That had been weeks ago, and she had barely seen Dina.

Ellie knew that between practice and studying, Dina didn’t actually have a lot of time, but she felt she wasn’t seeing a lot of her. Sure, they had a bunch of classes together and she helped Dina tutor Jesse and Bonnie, but she wasn’t seeing her _outside_ school.

Which was honestly bothering her.

She missed having Dina over for movie night or to play, but everytime Ellie invited her she said she was busy. Cat said it was because they were together and Dina didn’t like her very much, so she was keeping her distance. But it was fucking annoying.

It made her a bit upset, because she felt like she was receiving the cold shoulder from a friend, someone she cared deeply about, and she was afraid they would distance themselves and their friendship would be severed.

Things with Cat had been nice, though. She was getting a flower tattoo on the outside of her arm, plus her cousin loved the design for Ellie’s, so he’d been super excited to tattoo her.

“And… It’s done!” Cat’s cousin said with a smile. He had the same slanted eyes and dark hair, but his arms were covered in tattoos, and some even went up his neck. He was cool and kind, and Ellie enjoyed their trips to his parlour for each session on her tattoo.

Artie applied a petroleum ointment on it then wrapped her forearm with a bandage.

“Well, you already know the drill, right Ellie?” Artie said, removing his gloves and smiling at her as they stood. She nodded, but he repeated the aftercare anyway. “It should take a month max to heal completely.”

They shook hands, “Thanks, Artie.”

And then she left with Cat, holding hands and smiling.

“Did you really like it?” Cat asked, and Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Of course I did, I just tattooed my fucking arm,” she answered, and Cat laughed.

“Okay, that’s fair.”

The school year was almost over, a thing Ellie was super glad about, but she was also sad because Cat would be moving at the beginning of Summer to arrange her apartment and other stuff. Cat’s mom was worried about her living away, so they decided she’d move early so they could get used to it.

She wasn’t sure how they would work. Because Cat would probably want freedom to have a college experience, and Ellie wouldn’t be able to relate to what she’d be living.

“Do you want to come over?” Cat smirked at her.

“Sure.”

It was easy to be led upstairs to her room and to kiss her. It was easy to let her hands go over her body. And it felt good, to have Cat kissing her lips and pulling her closer. 

And then her phone rang, loud in Cat’s bedroom, and Ellie groaned before picking up.

“Yes, Joel?” she sighed, pressing the bridge of her nose. “Yeah, I’m going now. Bye.”

“Do you really have to go?” Cat asked, smiling with bedroom eyes.

“Yeah. Sorry,” she picked up her keys and kissed Cat’s lips. “See ya in school?”

“Yep. Bye, Ellie,” she waved at her and disappeared out the door.

Fuck, Joel. Why would he call exactly at that time? It was annoying, but it wasn’t his fault.

I mean, she never even told him she liked girls, so.

She had no idea how he would react. What if he got angry? Or worse, what if he was disappointed? Could he return her to the group homes? Would he kick her out?

One day she’d tell him.

They sat at the bleachers, watching Dina and Bonnie stretch on the grass. The girls were wearing the burgundy sweatpants and the school varsity jacket as they pulled their feet to stretch the calves and then the thigh muscles.

It was actually weird to see Bonnie serious, and the two of them were concentrated, though they spoke in a low voice. They had their hairs pulled up in ponytails, and Ellie let her eyes focus on Dina.

Focus on her hair pulled up on that tight ponytail and on the small smile she always had on her lips. On how the school colours really complimented her and she looked gorgeous. The sun warmed the field and made her skin glow.

“I’m so nervous for them,” Lucas said, looking at them through his glasses. Emma held his hand, although her eyes were also in the field.

“They’re gonna kick ass,” Jesse said, and they knew it was true. They all knew how fast their team was, and how fast their friends were. As if they knew they were talking about them, Dina and Bonnie looked up at them and waved.

Ellie’s leg was bouncing the whole time, her eyes on Dina.

She went away and came back in her track attire, the burgundy tank top and shorts over leggings, kicking the air to relax her muscles and get ready. She and the other runners stood over their starting blocks, putting their feet on the pedals and waiting for the gunshot.

Ellie wasn’t even running and she was fucking anxious. She stood up, gripping the handrail.

Dina looked up, her hands steady on the ground. She wasn’t smiling, her face was serious, completely concentrated on her run. She raised her head, eyes on the track she’d run.

And with a loud snap, they were running.

All around them were people yelling and cheering. They yelled girls names, the school names, their mascots, but Ellie tuned them out. She couldn’t take her eyes off of her. Dina’s back was straight, and her steps were long and fast. She was slowly gaining on the girls at the end of the curve. Fuck, she was fast.

But there was a girl in blue that started to gain on her.

And it was enough.

The crowd cheered, but Dina had a defeated expression on her face.

She watched the coaches talking with her and the other girls, congratulating them, and the smile Dina presented was completely fake.

“Fuck,” she said to herself.

She ran down the bleachers, together with everyone else that was trying to scram. She knew their friends were behind her, talking and waiting for the crowd to part, but Ellie just jumped over the handrail when there were only a few steps left.

She tried to find Dina and after a few seconds she saw her dark hair and burgundy uniform. Her head was hanging low as she picked up her gym bag and Ellie walked halfway towards her, unsure.

It had been some kind of weird instinct that carried her to the field, but now she didn’t know what to do. Dina was fast, but she’d be upset that she came second and Ellie had no idea what to do about it.

Should she talk to her? Give her space? Try to comfort her? Hug her? Try to muster words of affirmation? Distract her?

“I’m so fucking pissed,” she said, storming off to Ellie with furious eyes, “I can’t fucking believe I came second. At the last second! I was so close. _So close,_ Ellie!”

Dina held her bag over one shoulder, trying to keep her voice low enough so others wouldn’t hear her rant.

“I know,” she said, still unsure. She shoved her hands on her pockets, shifting on her feet. “Do you want to punch something?”

Dina seemed taken aback by her suggestion for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

“Okay, let’s go,” she said, leading Dina to her gym. “You should text them to let them know where we are.”

“Done,” Dina said. As they left the field, Ellie could see Dina’s shoulders slumping, her face getting sadder. It was like she was taking off a mask and she could now see how she was really feeling.

It was a short walk to the gym, and they did it in silence. Ellie was used to silence, especially after living with Joel, but with Dina was different. She was so used to her talking her ears off that it was just a bit unsettling, although it wasn’t hard to find it comfortable too.

“This is it, my humble gym,” she said, opening the door and letting them in.

The first floor was full of weight equipment and Ellie nodded to Ally behind the desk before going upstairs to a studio. She nodded back, offering a smile.

“Take your shoes off, please,” she asked, already on her socks. She watched as Dina put her snickers beside hers and let her bag fall. Ellie put her jacket on top of everything and pulled her sleeves up to her elbows.

She bowed before entering the room, stepping on the soft floor and feeling herself relax. At the beginning, Joel had put her in the kickboxing classes to help her find a better outlet to her anger, and she hated it because she felt pressured to do it. But now, it was a place she’d learned to focus, to strengthen her body and mind, and to center herself.

“Okay, so first we have to wrap your hand,” she told Dina, taking her own fight tape from a small cabinet at the corner and then her gloves, “so you don’t hurt yourself too much.”

Dina nodded, and Ellie let the gloves fall on her feet as she took one of Dina’s hands on hers. 

Her hands were so different from Ellie’s. Dina’s hands were smaller and warm, and her skin soft. Ellie felt self-conscious of the calluses and tiny scars on her own hands as she held Dina’s between hers.

There was a weird tension in the air, and Ellie was finding it hard to keep her heartbeat normal. Dina stood really close for her to start to wrap the tape around her hands, the motion practiced. She noticed a small mole on the top of her hand, and then put the bandage over it.

“What’s that for?” Dina asked, and her voice was low, like she felt the change in the atmosphere too.

“Uh...” she swallowed, trying to focus on the utility of it, and not on the softness of Dina’s hands or how her touch had felt on her forehead and cheek. “It braces your wrists when you strike. And protects your knuckles from the impact. So you don’t break anything.”

Ellie finished wrapping Dina’s hands, now white with the tape. She could feel Dina’s eyes on her, and she bent down to take the gloves and put it in her hands. She didn’t want to look into Dina’s eyes because this tension was too big and she had no idea what to do.

“Okay, so,” she said, taking a step back and raising her fists. “I’m gonna teach you some basic movements so you can punch stuff.”

Dina grinned, nodding and watching her. It made her nervous, to have Dina’s attention on her like that, but she pushed past it and fell on her practiced movements. She showed and explained the motions of the jab, the cross, the hook and the uppercut. How the punches from the back hand came from the hip and had more power.

Dina’s dark eyes were focused, nodding along her explanation, but there was something more too. Something that made Ellie blush and sent shivers over her skin.

“Okay, your turn,” she said, and picked the pad mitts. “punch this, but try to do one of those punches that I showed you.”

Dina nodded, and moved up, mimicking Ellie’s movements as she hit the mitts. She was slow and kind of clumsy, but after hitting some punches, Ellie felt her gaining confidence and Dina landed more powerful blows.

“Nice, now try to hit what I’ll tell you,” she said and Dina nodded. Her skin was glowing with sweat again, and her hair was sticking to her skin. She was panting from the exertion, and her brow was furrowed in concentration.

Ellie felt something warm inside her, and her breath hitched. She shook her head and cleared her throat.

“Jab, jab, cross,” she dictated and watched Dina move to hit her pad. “Good. Now jab, cross.”

Dina’s gloves hit the mittens in succession. 

“Jab, cross, hook, cross,” she felt Dina punching hard, frustration and anger from the race on her eyes. “jab, cross, uppercut, cross.”

And Ellie kept telling her combos until Dina’ arms felt like jelly and she wasn’t so stressed out. Dina stopped and signaled her off. Her tank top was drenched with sweat and Ellie felt proud of them.

“That was nice,” she hit Dina’s head with her big pad, “you should train with me someday.”

Dina laughed at that, shaking her head, “no, thanks, I like running.”

And at her own mention of running her mood seemed to dampen a bit, and she took the gloves off. Ellie wasn’t sure of what she should do, because she usually felt pretty good after punching shit when she was stressed.

But to her surprise, Dina took a step closer and hugged her, resting her sweaty forehead on Ellie’s cheek. She froze, feeling Dina shake for a second, and slowly put her hands around her back, holding her close. Ellie was glad the bruises Jordan had left on her ribs weren’t sore anymore. She could smell Dina’s shampoo, that hibiscus and spices now mixed with sweat.

And as sudden as it started, it was over and Dina took a step back, her eyes slightly red and a weak smile on her face. Ellie knew that she had her walls and she wasn’t one to put them down, but maybe Dina had her own set herself. A vulnerable side she didn’t really show anyone.

She didn’t need to say anything, and Ellie helped her take the wraps off and they left the gym back to the streets. The air was fresh and there was a thin cold breeze blowing around them. Dina wore her varsity jacket and had her chin up, picture perfect again.

“Thanks, Ellie,” she said, elbowing her ribs.

“It’s fine,” she said nonchalantly. Ellie let the silence stretch out more, unsure if she should say anything else. “You know you’ll win next year, right? You were so close and I think you’ll be unstoppable at regionals.”

She surprised herself when she blurted it all out, but she hoped Dina could see she really meant it. She hoped Dina could see the faith she had on her, this certainty she felt. Dina chuckled, her eyes shining again.

“Don’t jinx it,” she shoved Ellie with a smile and then looked back up to the street. “I know I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments ma dudes!  
> I'll see you next week with some... deep shit cooking?  
> Happy reading and stay safe :)
> 
> -hugs


	20. Ellie - I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a heavier chapter. It will mention an attempt of sexual assault and a panic attack.
> 
> 20°C = 68°F

Cat invited them to the graduation party some seniors were throwing, and even though parties weren’t for her, she made herself go.

It was late May, and the temperature was reaching 20°C during the day, but the nights were still cold, so she wore a heavy jacket on top of her flannel and sat on the couch to slip her snickers in.

“Joel? I’m going to a party,” she called, tying the shoelaces and looking for her keys.

“ _You_ are going to a party?” he said, teasing her while holding his mug, and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, it’s a graduation party. I don’t know if you can remember things that happened over a century ago in your life, but you probably had one of those,” she pocketed her keys.

“Ha-ha,” Joel fake laughed, but his eyes shined, “now, you take care, you hear me? And if you need you can call me and I’ll get you-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she flashed him a smile. “I know. Thanks, bye.”

“Bye, kiddo.”

She closed the door behind her and walked towards Cat’s house. It was maybe a 20-minute walk from her apartment and she put her earbuds in. The sky was clear and she felt excited to see her friends. She knew Jesse and Dina would be there, and it just made her speed down the street to them.

Dina was still kind of avoiding her, because they only talked in school or when they were tutoring Jesse and Bonnie, and the last time they had been together was after Dina’s race, when Ellie took her to the kickboxing gym before they regrouped again at the diner.

The finals week had passed, and even if now she was starting to relax because school was over, she was still unsure on how long Dina would keep distancing herself. Would they be the whole Summer holidays apart? Or would she be there when all of them hung out as a group?

Ellie was excited for the holidays. She could look for a summer job, read comics and play video games all day. They could meet at the lake and Joel and her would probably go camping. It was going to be so much better than last Summer.

She turned a corner into Cat’s familiar street. Ellie stopped by Jesse’s house and they walked together to Cat’s.

“Where’s Dina?” she asked and Jesse sighed.

“We’re on a break,” he looked up at the sky, “again.”

“Well, I’m sure it won‘t take long for you guys to be back together,” she said, shrugging.

“Yeah, maybe.” she stopped, and she looked back at him. Jesse had a weird face, his hands in his pockets and he shifted. “I don’t know, man. I don’t understand her, but I like her, ya know?”

She nodded and Jesse looked off in the distance for a moment, deep in thought, then back at her with a tired smile. 

“We’ll see.”

Cat opened the door fast after they rang the doorbell, and they made their way together to Luke’s house, the senior that was hosting that night. Cat had her hand linked with Ellie’s and she had a different look in her eyes. Her eyes were dark and her voice was low as she kept herself close. It made Ellie’s heartbeat quicken and her mouth go dry.

There were a lot of kids there, and the bass from the music was audible from the street. There was loud chatting and cans of beers all around, and Ellie hoped she wouldn’t regret being there. 

Dina was talking with kids the Ellie had only seen in school, a red cup in her hand and her head moving with the music. She laughed and it was like everything slowed down around her as she took in Dina’s smile, the curve of her neck… She wished she was close enough to see that one dimple on her right cheek and the glint in her dark eyes.

Whatever.

She drank from her own red cup, the liquid burning down her throat. She was actually having fun with Cat and Jesse, and she saw Mike and Bonnie in the crowd, talking and laughing with other groups.

It was nice and she was loosening up, smiling easier and forgetting about the weird feelings she had regarding Dina.

Because after all the stress of finals had passed, her mind had been full with overthinking all of them. The way she felt at ease with Dina, but she still managed to make her heart skip a beat with a smile. The way she really trusted Dina, and she felt Dina leaned on her too. It was friendship, only it seemed to run a little deeper through her heart.

But it didn’t matter. 

Dina didn’t like her like that.

She played beer pong with Jesse, and they won against Cat and Mike twice before letting other people play. Bonnie booed them from the side, and Dina laughed with her.

“Well played,” Cat said with a kiss on her lips. Ellie beamed at her, happy.

“You too.”

She was feeling a bit buzzed and relaxed, but when she looked around to talk to Dina, she wasn’t there. Nor was Jesse.

“Do you wanna go back to my place?” Cat asked Ellie, her hand sliding up her arm to her shoulder.

“Y-Yeah,” she mumbled back.

Her heart was beating fast. Cat looked amazing, and she was incredible. She had a feeling Cat wanted to take the step further and she did too. Cat was kind, pretty and she _liked_ her.

Cat had barely closed her bedroom door behind her when Ellie felt her kissing her lips. Ellie put her hands on Cat’s waist, pulling her closer, but Cat pushed them to her bed. 

Ellie’s back was on the mattress and Cat was on top of her kissing her lips hard and snaking her hand up under her shirt…

But then it wasn’t Cat’s hands anymore. 

They were bigger, calloused and rough on her hips, pushing her forcefully against the wall. She could feel his disgusting beard on her forehead when he bent down to reach her face, and she could feel her own heart slamming against her ribs in panic.

Ellie pushed his shoulders and blinked hard. There were unshed tears in her eyes, and everything was blurry.

“Ellie? What’s wrong?” she heard Cat’s worried voice and she could focus again. She was in her room, sitting in her bed, and Cat had a hand on her shoulder.

“I-I gotta go,” she said, opening the door and running down the stairs as Cat followed her downstairs.

“Wait- What happened? Ellie!”

But she was out into the cold night, her feet leading her back home. She was used to the kissing, to feeling Cat’s hands on her arms and on her face, but when she felt it on her abdomen, it just snapped something out of place again.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

She could feel her hands gripping her switchblade, warm and wet with David’s blood.

She felt disgusted as the memories clouded her brain. She’d had dreams about it, obviously, but most of them were about the part when she stabbed him, not _before_. It was a first, to remember him touching her and not her hands slick with his blood.

She felt angry, but there were also waves of guilt and shame running through her. She hated him. Hated him for pushing her against that wall and trying to touch her. She hated remembering his dirty hands on her skin and his disgusting beard. She hated his eyes and she hated what he’d done to her.

She hated that now she couldn’t forget him, that he was still haunting her.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

She was shaking, she could feel the sweat on her forehead as she walked down the street. The adrenaline on her veins made it hard to breathe, as if every time she tried to inhale someone pressed down on her chest, making it impossible.

It was hot, too hot and she could hear her laboured breaths. What was that thing Joel told her to do? 

She had to go home.

Joel would be worried.

Fuck David.

She was awful.

Cat must think she’s crazy.

She was fine before, why had this happened now? Cat had touched her before, nothing different happened, why had she freaked out? What was wrong with her?

Ellie sat at the curb, putting her head between her knees. She just had to breathe. She could do it. She tried to focus on her breath, on the rising and falling of her chest, mentally counting the seconds at each inhale and exhale.

She could feel the wind on her skin. The asphalt under her snickers, the cold ground under her jeans. The cars speed on the street in front of her. She slowed her breathing, her heartbeats, trying to push the memories away.

He wasn’t there. There was nothing going on. She was safe.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

She had no idea how long she’d been sitting there until she felt ready to raise her head. The cold wind was refreshing and she sighed.

To wake up from a nightmare was shit but to have them while she was awake somehow felt worse.

“Are you okay?” she heard someone say beside her, and she almost throat-punched them from surprise.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Jesse,” she closed her eyes again, recollecting herself. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“‘Cause you look like shit,” he pressed, sitting beside her.

“Thanks,” she said, unable to make a joke. She was too tired for it.

They sat in silence on the curb, watching the few cars on the street.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he asked after some time, worry in his eyes, but his voice was calm.

“No.”

“Okay. Do you wanna go home?”

She felt small, vulnerable, angry and sad. There was a turmoil of emotions inside her. But at the same time, she was feeling an emptiness in her chest, like everything felt dull and distant. She kind of wanted to cry but there were no tears coming anymore.

She nodded, and Jesse walked alongside her, his hands in his pockets.

“Do you want to hear a joke?” Jesse asked out of the blue, looking at her from the corner of his eyes. “Why would you throw a stick of butter out of the window?”

She tried to focus on his words, tried to get an idea, but she was too tired and her mind was too scattered, so she shrugged.

“To see a butter-fly,” he delivered, a smile on his face. 

It didn’t take her a lot of effort to chuckle.

“That’s so dumb.”

“That’s your level,” he corrected and Ellie let out a short laugh.

They kept walking in silence, but it was a comfortable one. She knew he was worried about her, but she couldn’t do anything about it. She knew she couldn't control it, because she’d tried it before.

“Thanks, Jesse,” she said when they stopped by her building. He nodded, still worried.

“It’s okay. Sleep well, Ellie,” he wished, waving at her as she stepped inside.

But she knew she wouldn’t.

She spent her first days of the holidays with Cat, because she would soon move for university. But things between them weren’t the same anymore. Cat looked at her with pity, like she could break at any moment, and it pissed her off. She could feel them distancing from each other, and she couldn’t stop it.

Maybe it was because Ellie couldn’t open up about it, because she’d raised her walls too high. Maybe it was because she was kind of uncomfortable with the idea of taking things further and she was ashamed to tell Cat. Maybe it was because Cat knew she would leave and they would just be memories anyway.

“But we’ll still be friends, right?” Cat asked, her eyes searching for something in Ellie’s. She nodded, cracking a smile and taking her hands from her pockets.

“Of course. I hope we’ll see you at graduation?” Cat smile widened, relief taking her features. She hugged Ellie and kissed her cheek.

It didn’t feel romantic, it felt more like Bonnie or Lucas had done it, and she wrapped her own arms around Cat’s waist.

“I can’t miss it,” she put her hand on the handle of the car, then looked back at her with a smile. “Call me if you ever want another tattoo!”

She saw herself smile too. She would miss Cat, because Cat was her friend, but there was no deeper pain in her chest. She felt fine, really, and she wondered when her feelings for Cat had changed. 

And then Cat’s mom was speeding down the street and she was waving at her.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket with messages in their group. She squinted at her screen, the sun unforgiving now and making her sweat.

> Lucas: you guys wanna go to the lake?  
>  Emma: yeah  
>  Mike: when? i have to ask my mother  
>  Bonnie: just run with us mike  
>  Bonnie: she cant catch us all  
>  Dina: Not that she would try  
>  Jesse: she would just run for him  
>  Lucas: idk saturday?  
>  Dina: Are you working on Saturday, Ellie?  
>  Bonnie: ur manager wont try to catch u either  
>  Mike: bonnie  
>  Mike: shut up  
>  Ellie: im free this saturday  
>  Bonnie: we gotta visit u at the cafe  
>  Ellie: pls dont  
>  Jesse: just wait for us

Ellie pocketed her phone and made her way towards the café. It was close to her apartment and the shifts were flexible enough for her to be able to enjoy the Summer holidays. She had to wear a dark green apron and put on a nicer resting face while she was at it, but at the end she would get paid so she could survive it.

Plus she already worked there the other summer, so the manager already knew her and it wasn’t awkward to be there.

“Hi Ellie!” Drew said as she entered the café, and Henry nodded at her from behind the counter, preparing himself for his break.

“Hey,” she put on the apron and got ready to make coffee. 

“Didn’t know you had a tattoo,” Drew said, giving her the paper with the orders from the table. Ellie grinned, turning her back to her to prepare the coffee.

“I got it this year. In May.”

“It’s cool. And it suits you.” She smiled at her, eyeing her own forearm. She felt comfortable wearing short-sleeved shirts now that her scar was under the ink, which was good because it was a pretty hot day.

“Thanks,” she put the two mugs on the tray and Drew walked away.

It was nice working with Drew, and she actually appreciated her jokes, so that was a plus.

But her mind kept drifting to her friends, and she found herself excited for Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are well and staying safe.  
> Happy reading.
> 
> *see u next weekend... or not*


	21. Dina - And now I’m having more fun

Dina tried her best not to smile as Ellie led her up the stairs to her apartment, talking about the comic book they just bought at the indie bookshop on the other side of town. Her eyes were bright and she looked cute in her shorts and oversized shirt.

Ellie put her keys in the lock, stopping for a second to look back at her, her shoulder resting on the door as she narrowed her eyes at Dina.

“What?” she tried her most innocent voice.

“You’re on to something. I can feel it,” Ellie held her gaze but Dina rolled her eyes.

“No, I am not.” Ellie didn’t move so poked her side, “c’mon Ellie, I’m hungry.”

She made her lips in a thin line and her brows were together as she analysed her. Dina looked back at her with puppy eyes and Ellie sighed.

“Fine.”

She finally twisted the handle and opened the door.

“Happy birthday!” she heard a dozen different voices yelling, and she smiled. 

Ellie was frozen on the door, a slight smile on her face. She let Dina close the door behind them, and she looked back at her, her eyes narrowed again, but now with a grin on her lips.

“I knew you were doing some shit.”

“Shut up,” she pushed her down into the living room.

“How did you know?”

“Obviously not from you,” Ellie rolled her eyes. “I have my sources.”

“Do they start with Jo- and end with -el?”

But before Dina could say anything, all of their friends were around her, wishing her a happy birthday and asking why she didn’t warn them it was her birthday. But she just shrugged, thanking them and making them all sit in the living room.

Dina watched as Joel put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a little packet. Their conversation was short and she couldn’t hear it over their friends’ voices, but Ellie smiled and hugged him briefly before disappearing down the corridor.

They sat in the living room, talking about nothing as the minutes became hours. Ellie looked happy, but Dina couldn’t help but notice the shadows under her eyes and the way she had to hold back a yawn sometimes.

Weird.

They sang while Ellie stood awkwardly behind the cake and then ate the first piece. After that, some of them started to return home, wishing Ellie a happy rest of birthday and she kept smiling at them until it was just her, Joel, Ellie and Jesse.

“Tommy and Maria will be comin’ tomorrow,” Joel said, sipping on hid coffee. “so you can’t sleep til noon.”

Ellie groaned, “Fine.”

He nodded at them and walked back into the corridor, and Ellie stretched her legs, propping them up in the centre table.

“So. What you guys wanna do?”

“I mean, it’s _your_ birthday, so…” Jesse trailed off.

“When it’s your birthday?” she asked back. “I don’t know why I’ve never asked.”

“It was in April,” Dina said and Ellie furrowed her brow at her. She had an idea of what she was thinking, but she also knew Ellie wouldn’t ask so Dina wouldn’t need to explain she didn’t say anything because of Cat.

“Mine’s in September,” he looked at them, “I’m old.”

They laughed, and Ellie turned the TV on so they could watch a movie. She put on an action movie Dina had never seen before and sat between them on the couch.

“Thank you for doing this,” she said, looking quickly between them. “That’s the best birthday I’ve had.”

A part of her is touched by her words, but another is shocked. This was nothing, they just came to hang out with her and eat cake, but somehow it was a lot for her. Dina looked at Jesse and they both chuckled, hugging Ellie.

“Jesus, you guys are suffocating me!” she complained, but she was smiling.

“Too bad,” Jesse said, squeezing her one last time before leaning back on the sofa. 

It was pretty late when the movie was over, as Ellie had dozed off on the couch. They took a picture of her before waking her up to close the door and go to bed.

“Bye guys, see you at the lake,” she mumbled with closed eyes before locking the door.

She hugged Talia, smiling so hard her cheeks hurt.

“Did you miss me, Dina?” she asked, messing up her hair. Dina loved having Talia over. She was always there for her, and they were always laughing together even if it was calling each other dumb.

“No, I missed freedom,” she turned her back to her sister, picking her bag and helping her inside. Talia let out a laugh, following her.

Immediately her mother was pulling Talia close, hugging her and asking how life in university was, asking if she was eating properly, if she’d already met a good Jewish boy. Dina rolled her eyes and took Talia’s bags upstairs.

Dina loved her sister and she loved having her at home, especially because it meant her mother would have to split her attention and eventually focus on Talia.

“You know I lost because you didn’t send me the shoes, right?” she told Talia as she stepped inside her own room. “I can’t believe you forgot.”

“I had a lot of shit to do,” Talia said, sitting beside her with a sigh.

“It’s fine, I’ll win next year,” Talia raised one eyebrow, looking as if she couldn’t believe Dina’s arrogance.

“Will you, now?”

“Yeah. Someone gotta make the Almasi name famous, right?”

Talia laughed and shoved her back.

“How’s Jesse?” she shrugged, and Talia narrowed her eyes behind her round glasses, “aren’t you guys dating?”

“No…” she looked away. She couldn ‘t understand her own feelings, so there was no way she would be able to explain how confused they made her. “It’s complicated.”

“Right,” Talia stretched then, stifling a yawn. “do you wanna help me make dinner?”

Dina rolled her eyes, already knowing this meant she would cook what Talia wanted to eat and she would keep her company in the kitchen. She made a face.

“No,” but they went to the kitchen anyway, “so how’s college?”

Talia shrugged, sitting behind the counter and putting music on.

“Lots of tests and assignments, but lots of parties too.”

Dina hummed, “what do you wanna eat?”

“Shakshuka,” she asked and Dina smiled.

“I knew you’d ask it.”

“That’s what I was expecting, sis.”

They kept the conversation going, laughing and talking about their friends. She had missed Talia, and she knew Talia missed her too, even if none of them said it. They ate together and watched TV before crashing, and it felt like Talia never left.

Saturday arrived fast, and they drove to the lake. It was almost 25 km² and there were a lot of people in the margin, families playing on the grass or in the sand, a few swimming in the cold water. It was a beautiful warm day, with clear blue sky and a soft breeze. 

“Man, it’s too early why is it already packed?” Mike groaned, shutting his door and walking towards the lake.

“Not everyone wakes up after noon,” Emma said, pushing her sunglasses up her forehead and playfully rolling her eyes. “Now let’s go.”

They sat down on the grass, enjoying the weather and each other's company. They played cards, volleyball and eventually sat down to eat sandwiches for lunch.

Dina eyed Ellie, her toned legs in shorts and her loose t-shirt, how skinny but strong her body was, and then obviously her tattoo. More than look good, it fitted her, and Dina caught herself checking Ellie out quite a lot throughout the day.

She’d be talking with Bonnie or Mike and see Ellie with Jesse or Lucas, playing cards or telling jokes, her face content and her hair shining like copper in the sun. She’d be stretched out in the sun with Emma and her attention would get pulled away by Ellie playing volleyball in the sand, skin glowing with sweat.

And everytime Dina’s eyes would scan Ellie’s body without her permission, making her heart beat faster and her mind wonder how it’d be to feel Ellie’s arms around her…

And then Ellie’s eyes found hers, and she grinned for a second.

Her heart fluttered in her chest, and she stood, making her way to Ellie.

“Hey stranger,” Dina said, as if she hadn’t been kind of avoiding Ellie for months. “Long time no see.”

Ellie shrugged, sipping at her coke. She had a curious look in her eyes, and her face was red from playing volleyball in the sand. 

“Do you wanna play with us?” Ellie nodded towards the sand court, but Dina shook her head.

“Maybe later. Do you wanna swim?”

Ellie looked like she didn’t expect her to say that at all, and she blinked. Dina couldn’t say if she was embarrassed because her face was already red, but she took Ellie’s hand and tugged her towards the lake.

They stripped down to their swimming suits, and Dina ran towards the water and dived in. It was cold, but she always found it easier to go in fast than to walk in slowly. She pulled her head from underwater, not seeing Ellie anywhere.

Then Ellie’s head came up right beside her, splashing water on her face and starting a mini war. It felt good to be away from her mother’s pressure, and to be finally in good terms with Ellie only made her lighter.

She’d distanced herself because Ellie was always with Cat and she didn’t want to be with Cat, but also because she began to put the dots together and realize that maybe her friendship feelings towards her were a bit more that what friends were supposed to feel. That maybe all that heart racing was some kind of sign she’d been ignoring for a long time.

She loved Jesse too, she knew she did, but she slowly noticed that her feelings changed. She would always love him, because they’d been friends for a long time, but she was almost sure they were past the dating phase. They’d always be good friends, but maybe that’s all they’d ever be from now on.

Not that it seemed to matter, anyway.

“How’s work?” She asked when Ellie stopped throwing water on her face. Ellie shrugged, looking calm even with the little bags under her eyes.

“It’s fine. I already worked there last summer, so I know how it works,” she smiled at her, the bigger smile that Dina swore was exclusively hers, “why? Thinking of visiting me?”

She laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, I already miss annoying the shit out of you.”

“Oh boy,” she said, swimming farther, “maybe I shouldn’t have told you where I work.”

“Or where you live.”

“You’re weird,” Ellie swam around her, keeping a distance that Dina wanted to close. 

“You too,” she said and Ellie dived, resurfacing closer to her. “That’s why we get along so well.”

Dina swam to her, until they were only two feet apart. Ellie’s face wasn’t as red anymore because she’d cooled down in the lake, and Dina could see her freckles easier. Her green eyes were bright like the leaves behind her, and her brows were just slightly furrowed.

She wanted to reach for Ellie, but she didn’t really feel like she could, so she kept her hands by her sides, trying not to let her eyes fall on Ellie’s lips. Then Ellie’s lips parted and she smiled again, and it was so hard not to kiss her then.

“No shit, Sherlock,” she said back, splashing water on her face with a devilish smile.

She closed the distance between them, putting her hands on Ellie’s shoulders. She was so close that Dina could now see the different shades of green on her eyes, the thin white scar on her eyebrow and the pink under the freckles on her cheeks.

And then she held her shoulders, using a leg to throw Ellie off balance and underwater.

“That was low,” Ellie said, mock angry as she smiled and tried to hold Dina. Her eyelashes were sticking together, dripping water down her face. 

Dina was fast outside the water, but to her surprise Ellie was a faster swimmer and managed to hold her against her body. She heard Ellie chuckle and a low, “gotcha,” before both of them were underwater.

The lake was still cold, but Dina’s body felt hot against Ellie’s. Her arms were surprisingly strong as she held her under the water, and Ellie kept holding her as they broke the surface. She was laughing in her ear, and she found herself chuckling too.

“You’re such a dick,” Dina said, punching her arm while droplets fell down her face. Ellie just shrugged, big grin still on her face.

“Maybe,” and then she dived again, reappearing closer to the shore, “but now you gotta play with us.”

“Fine,” she swam too, not really worried about catching up. 

They lied on the towels beside Emma and Lucas, watching Jesse, Bonnie and Mike fooling around in the lake. The sun dried them slowly, and Dina found herself enjoying the warmth and closing her eyes to relax.

“You should flip, steak,” Emma said, nudging her with a smile and she sighed.

“I don’t get red like you,” she retorted, turning on her stomach anyway. Ellie was on her stomach too, her eyes closed as she relaxed under the sun. “But you,” and she elbowed Ellie, “should put on a shirt.”

“You’re already getting burned,” Lucas agreed, stretching his arm and retrieving Ellie’s shirt from their pile.

Ellie stood, dressing herself and Dina thanked God she wasn’t on her back so she didn’t need to force herself to look away. She was so glad Cat already moved for college.

“Do you know why ants don’t get sick?” Ellie asked, lying beside Dina again. She was looking at her from the corner of her eyes, a small smile on her lips.

Emma and Lucas groaned, but she just raised an eyebrow.

“Because they have anty-bodies,” she said. Her jokes were always that bad, but Dina found it hard to keep a straight face anyway.

“That was… not that bad,” she found herself saying, and Ellie’s grin widened.

“No, that was horrible,” Emma quipped back, standing. “Let’s play volleyball.”

They changed back and went to the sand. They played volleyball, then cards, then just talked until the sun started to set and they drove back. 

It had been a great day, and Dina was glad Ellie was able to come with them. Her cheeks were reddened from the sun and she waved Dina off when she stopped by her apartment. She felt happy after spending time with her friends and a great part of that was staying away from her mother the whole day.

Ah, the sweet taste of freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shakshuka is *chefs kiss* I love it so much.
> 
> Happy reading and stay safe :)  
>  -hugs


	22. Dina - Should I try to hide (the way I feel inside?)

Dina had been a number of times in Ellie’s apartment, but she usually triangulated between the kitchen, the living room and the bathroom, never really entering her bedroom. Which she’d find kind of weird if she had already invited Ellie over her own house.

She yawned when they finished Aladdin, her eyes heavy and the popcorn weighing her down on the sofa and on Ellie’s shoulder.

“You should sleep here,” Ellie said, yawning too. “It’s too late and you’re tired.”

“Does Joel know you’re inviting me to sleep with you under his roof?” she teased, enjoying the way Ellie rolled her eyes but her cheeks became pink.

“Shut up,” she stood, pulling Dina with her towards her bedroom. It was as if something had crossed her mind and she thought about saying it but had given up, and Dina chuckled.

Ellie’s room was pretty… Ellie. She had a double bed on one side, with a small reach-in closet in front, from where Dina could see some of her flannels and jackets hanging. She had a large desk with a lamp and a lot of different paints lined on little racks above it. 

The walls were painted in a light grey, and had a lot of posters. She could see three in the low light: she recognized one as the Savage Starlight promo for the first movie, one of a band she didn’t really know and one of an astronaut. She also spotted her No Face mask.

And then Dina saw Ellie’s guitar resting on a stand, beside a bookshelf.

“Do you know how to play?” she asked, pointing at the instrument. Ellie looked at her from her drawers, searching for something for Dina to use as pajamas.

“Yeah,” Dina watched a small smile grow on her lips, “Joel taught me.”

“How talented are you? You can draw _and_ play the guitar? Unfair.”

“You sound like Jesse. ‘You can do math _and_ run? Unfair’,” she retorted and Dina bit her lip. 

“Well, you should play for me.”

“I’m not that good,” she said, scratching her neck and tossing Dina a T-shirt and a pair of shorts.

“Bullshit,” she started to take her pants off, and Ellie turned her back to her, giving her privacy. “So were you gonna hide your musician talents from me?”

Ellie chuckled, “I’m not a musician, Dina.”

“Then prove it. Play me a song.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, holding her pajamas in one hand and her phone in the other.

“Dina, it’s almost two am, I’m not gonna play for you now.”

“But tomorrow?” she wiggled her eyebrows, and Ellie sighed in annoyance, as if Dina couldn’t see her smiling.

“Maybe,” then she left for her bathroom to change. “You should ask Joel to play for you, though. _He_ is a musician.”

“Maybe you two could sing me a duet,” she said and Ellie rolled her eyes again, now brushing her teeth while Dina ate a bit of toothpaste since she had no toothbrush.

“Yeah, sure,” she guided Dina back to her room through the corridor. Ellie slipped under the covers, “now come to bed.”

“Is that how you talked to Cat?” she teased again, lying beside Ellie.

“Fuck you,” she could see her cheeks flushed before she flicked the lights off, “you’re so annoying.”

“You too.”

Ellie hummed in response. “Good night, Dina”

Ellie’s room smelled like her, and it reminded Dina of when she ran in the woods close to her house. It was earthy and fresh, mixed with soap. It reminded her of the hoodie Ellie lent her that night after Christmas, and of her hug after she came second on her race. It was comforting and it made her feel safe.

“Good night, Ellie.”

She woke up before Ellie, and took her time to take in Ellie’s posters. She had a lot of band and movie posters, but some were like the astronaut one, like maps of the galaxy or different types of art. It was pretty cool.

Ellie looked really peaceful when she was asleep. There were no worried lines on her face, and she was so innocent and relaxed it brought a smile to Dina’s lips. She let her eyes wander along her face, taking in her freckles, her scar, the shadows her lashes cast on her cheeks, her lips…

She turned away, focusing on the astronaut on the wall. She couldn’t think these things about her best friend, especially while she was sleeping beside her. Dina’s heart was beating faster in her chest as she shifted and faced Ellie again. Her chest rose and fell slowly in her deep sleep, completely oblivious to Dina’s dilemma. 

She really wanted to touch her, feel Ellie’s arms around her and to kiss her lips. But she couldn’t, so she had to be content with the little touches they shared randomly, the little brushes of hands or shoulders. She wouldn’t risk losing Ellie.

She closed her eyes, her beating heart aching and sorrowful as she tried to drift back to sleep. But she couldn’t relax enough, her racing thoughts keeping her wide awake. She sat, picking her phone and looking through it.

She wanted to walk around her room and see what Ellie liked, what kind of books she had in her bookshelf, but she didn’t want to invade her privacy, especially when she was still asleep. So she settled with keeping looking at the posters until she’d woken up.

And now they were in the kitchen eating breakfast at 10am, and Ellie somehow seemed to be still half asleep.

“What’s your favorite animal?” Dina asked Ellie, sipping on her milk. She paused, thinking. It was weird because she didn’t even look surprised with her question, just reflecting on her answer.

“Does it have to be alive?” Dina raised an eyebrow, confused.

“It gotta exist, you can’t say some shit like dragons or unicorns.”

“Even though unicorns _could_ exist,” Ellie pointed out, “I was thinking of dinosaurs.”

Dina blinked, dumbfounded, then she remembered the big Jurassic Park poster in her room.

“First, which dinosaur? Second, how could they exist?”

“First, it makes so much sense,” she sounded excited, awake. “We have like, fucking rhynos and narwals, right? So why couldn’t we have a horse with a horn? I’m not saying they would have powers and shit, but the animal _as an animal_ could exist.”

“Interesting theory,” she watched Ellie biting her sandwich “What about your dino-friend?”

Ellie munched, thinking about it. 

“Probably the Tyrannosaurus Rex, or the Deinonychus,” she said, with a fond smile on her face, like she’d just remembered something. Then she blinked, “did you know the Deinonychus lived here in Wyoming?”

Why Ellie knew that she had no idea, but then, Ellie knew a lot of random stuff. Suddenly her face lit up and she wiggled her eyebrows at Dina, and she knew this meant a terrible joke was underway.

“Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?” Ellie asked with a smirk and Dina truly wanted to groan, but she was too curious, so she just shrugged. “Because the pee is silent.”

“Jesus, that was… wow.”

“Amazing, right?”

“You’re so stupid,” she said, fighting back a smile. “Dumbasaur.”

Ellie laughed at that, the big Dina-smile that made her heart flutter. Ellie was usually so stoic, usually leaving her walls up, but when Dina caught a glimpse of her behind them, it was always worth it.

Being with Ellie just felt… _right_.

And realization hit her like a truck, that maybe, _just maybe,_ she was falling hard for her friend.

“What is your favorite animal?”

“I don’t know,” she made herself think a little, “I like horses.”

“Why?”

She just shrugged, “I guess it’s because we went to a farm when I was a kid and they had horses there. And they let me ride one and it was actually really fun. And they are clever animals,” she paused. “Did you know horses recognize faces and voices?”

An amused smile tugged at the corner of Ellie’s lips and she shook her head.

“I had no idea.”

They kept making small talk until Ellie had to go work and Dina had to go back home. She wished she didn’t have to go, because being with Ellie was fun and she made her laugh, but she knew her mother would be pissed if she stayed out for too long.She could hear her mother saying how worried she was, that Dina couldn’t just be out for so long, blablabla.

Didn’t mean she wouldn’t miss Ellie, though.

She sighed, wanting to slap herself out of these thoughts and feelings. Ellie was washing the dishes and she was drying them for her.

“Are you really doing the dishes?” she heard Joel saying from the door, pouring more coffee in his mug. “Morning, Dina.”

“Good morning, Joel,” she smiled at him, putting the plates back in the cabinets and seeing Ellie rolling her eyes.

“No, it’s an illusion,” Ellie retorted, but there was always a playful shine in her eyes when she teased Joel. “I’m leaving soon for work, do you need anything from the outside world?”

Joel shook his head, sipping from his cup, “have fun at work, kiddo,” then he raised his mug at her, “see you, Dina.”

They went back to Ellie’s room to change and she waved at Joel on the sofa when they crossed the living room to leave.

“Ellie, can you bring another bag of coffee?” Joel asked her from his spot on the sofa.

“You drink too much of that shit, old man,” but she nodded, pocketing her keys. He dismissed her comment on how much coffee he drank and sipped on his mug.

“And be careful, y’ hear me?”

“Yeah. Bye,” and then she closed the door.

She hated when Talia had to leave. She usually stayed till mid-August before flying back to settle and organize herself for the beginning of her own semester back in university. Dina always dreaded the moment she entered the cab and left.

But today she was more nervous than normal.

She sat on Talia’s bed as she put her clothes in the suitcase, a soft indie song playing in the background.

“Do you wanna poop?” Talia asked, breaking her thoughts, and Dina managed a chuckle. She could only imagine how she looked. Her heart was racing in her chest and her palms were sweaty. 

What if Talia didn’t accept her?

“No… I wanna talk to you,” her voice was low and the heavy ball of emotions inside her twisted with her nervousness. Talia furrowed her brow behind her glasses, stopping and leaning on her drawer.

“About what?”

Could she do it? Her mouth was dry, and maybe she was going to puke. But it was Talia.

“Do you love me?” she saw herself asking. The panic was rising in her chest. She couldn’t do it. Talia stared at her, eyes worried but there was something behind it too.

“Of course I love you, Dina,” she almost looked confused, and Dina sucked in a hard breath, bracing herself, “why?”

“Because I think I like a girl,” she blurted out, as if saying it fast would make it hurt less. As if saying it was somehow like pulling a bandaid. She was struggling to keep the tears from falling down her face, the panic only growing in her chest.

It was like time had stopped, and Talia was just looking at her expressionless, when all Dina wanted was a reaction. Was she angry? Did she care at all? Or was she just surprised?

“You can’t tell mom,” Talia said after what was probably the longest silence they’ve ever had, and she released the air she was holding. Talia wasn’t pissed, “and you should try to do something about it. You know it’s prohibited, Dina.”

Her face fell. Was this Talia? Was her own sister shutting her out?

“It’s not fair! What about _‘ahnoos’_?” Talia raised her eyebrows, surprised, “that refers to someone who has no physical control to respond to a command, right?"

It was hard to see Talia through her tears, but she needed to make her understand. She needed Talia to support her, to keep loving her.

“And we only have to follow our obligations when we have the freedom to choose, right?” Talia was slowly shaking her head, disbelief written on her face, “well, it's not a matter of choice, I didn't choose to like her, so I'm not breaking the law!”

“Dina…” Talia looked like she had important news to say but couldn’t, that type of face where you can see the pain and the remorse, “you know if you can't have children and a family like in the Torah… It’s banned and considered unnatural. You can’t… You can’t be gay, Dina.”

She had no words left in her. Talia was shutting her out, and it was tearing through her heart. This couldn’t be happening, why was she like that? It hurt so much, and it only got worse when she felt Talia’s arms wrapping around her.

“It’s okay… we won’t tell mom, and we’ll figure it out together,” she said into her hair, but Dina didn’t have enough strength to push her away, so she kept sobbing into Talia’s shirt.

She shouldn’t have told Talia. She shouldn’t have trusted her, trusted that she would accept her. She should’ve kept her mouth shut, because then she wouldn’t be feeling this hurt. This hurt, this hollowed, this alone.


	23. Ellie - And so I'm hiding what I'm feeling

Ellie closed the comic and her notebook and left the back room where the employees usually chilled during their breaks.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and it was slightly less busy than normal, so she took her time to tie the apron on her back and sip on her water. Henry was on the other side of the bar, taking orders while she made the coffee.

Henry was a nice guy, and his little brother Sam came often asking Ellie to help him with his math summer homework, even though he was just one or two years younger than her. They found their rhythm, but it didn’t include a lot of talking, so Ellie just looked at memes in her phone until she actually had to talk to someone.

She heard a group of kids enter the café, talking loudly. She kept looking down at her screen, waiting for Henry to come back with their orders so she could make their coffees.

“Do you wanna switch?” Henry asked, distracting from her phone, “‘cause we are kinda slow today, so you can talk to them a bit.”

She looked behind him, and the loud group of kids was _her_ loud group of kids.

“Thanks, Henry,” she slipped around the counter, walking to their table.

“What you guys want?” she said, picking her block and pencil, then noticing they were short a girl, “where’s Dina?”

“She’s with some kids from the synagogue, I think,” Emma answered, “she’ll come by later.”

Ellie’s brow furrowed. Kids like them or like, little kids? She wrote their orders and went behind the counter to make them with Henry.

She wondered if Dina was going out with any of those boys, and the thought made her uncomfortable. It was a little heavy ball of emotion in her stomach that made her hope she was with little kids and pray she would just come already.

This crush thing was getting annoying.

She knew she couldn’t act on it. There was too much at risk, and she wouldn’t even think about kissing Dina when their friendship was at stake. She wouldn’t think about putting her arms around her.

She put their drinks on the tray with their deserts and walked back to their table, sitting on the empty chair.

“Are you free tomorrow, Ellie?” Jesse asked. 

He never asked her about the night after the graduation party for which she was grateful. She didn’t want to talk about David, she didn’t want to remember him. She was glad Cat had texted them to look for her, though, because meeting him had made her feel better that night.

“I guess. Why?”

“We were thinking of hanging out at my house again,” Jesse shrugged, “‘cause I’m leaving for California the next day.”

She lifted her eyebrows. She’d always wanted to see palm trees, but never got the chance. Jesse must’ve picked up the surprise in her face because he smiled.

“My grandparents live there,” he clarified, “that’s why I have this amazing tan.”

“Because your grandparents live in California. Right,” Emma said with a smirk, and Lucas snickered as Jesse rolled his eyes.

Ellie found herself looking at the door, hoping a certain girl would arrive.

“So, are you coming?” Jesse nudged her.

“Sure,” the bell over the door caught her attention, but it was just another couple and she tried to keep her heart from sinking in disappointment. “Be right back.”

She went over their table, giving them menus and taking their orders to Henry behind the bar. She watched as he prepared their coffees and then the bell rang again, and she turned in time to see Dina opening the door, a smile on her face and her sunglasses pushed up to her hair.

She was gorgeous and Ellie’s heart skipped a beat in her chest. 

Why did Dina have to be so beautiful?

Why did Ellie have to like her best friend?

She took the tray to the couple’s table and left to join her friends again. Dina had taken her chair, so she just stood beside her, letting her arm graze her shoulder and sending sparks over her skin.

“Good afternoon, would you like to order?” she asked politely, playfully bowing and making Dina grin.

“Hi Ellie,” she looked up at her, and Ellie noticed she looked off. Tired. “can I have a hot chocolate?”

“Sure, I’ll be right back,” she went around the counter to make Dina’s drink, putting two biscuit straws on it because she’d noticed she liked them. And because maybe it would help lift her spirits.

She tried to make a heart with the cream like Drew had taught her, but it looked too much like a dick so she stirred it away and gave up, bringing it to Dina.

“So how was it with the kids?” Lucas asked as Ellie put Dina’s mug down.

“Fine. We played board games for a while,” she shrugged with a smile, and Ellie wondered again if they were their age.

“How old are they?” she heard herself asking. 

Well done, Ellie.

“Like, seven tops? They’re cute, though. I love the snowball fights we have in winter,” she said with a smile, sipping on her mug. Ellie tried not to think of her failed heart art and instead focus on the fact that Dina was babysitting kids that weren’t yet in dating age.

Very well done indeed, Ellie.

Dina’s face kind of lit up when she mentioned the kids, and Ellie wondered if she liked kids in general or only those she babysat.

“Are you coming tomorrow, Ellie?” Dina’s voice broke into her thoughts and she looked down at her, staring into her eyes.

“I-Yes,” she swallowed, trying to keep her eyes on Dina’s eyes, and not on her lips, “you know no one can beat me at Risk.”

Dina grinned and she felt her heart flutter again in her chest.

Fuck.

Ellie excused herself, going back to work. She went behind the bar, because Henry hated making drinks and she hated talking to clients. And maybe because she felt her face hot.

Maybe she can find something on WikiHow on how to end a crush.

They were sitting in Jesse’s backyard, enjoying the afternoon sun and each other's presence. Ellie couldn’t help but remember them exploding the watermelon or their potato cannon. That happened more than seven months ago.

Dina seemed to be thinking the same thing, because when they locked their eyes she smiled and there was something in it, a silent conversation they had that she knew.

“Jesse, do you still have the watermelon video?” Dina asked, still grinning.

“What watermelon video?” Lucas chimed in, curiosity in his eyes.

“I do,” Jesse shifted through his phone and passed it to Lucas. All the others went around him to watch as Ellie and Jesse mercilessly used elastic bands to pop the fruit.

“You guys look like nerds,” Emma chuckled, “those swimming goggles did it for me.”

“Safety first!” Jesse said, taking his phone back and letting the laughter die. “It was for Physics.”

Ellie tuned out the rest of the conversation when Dina sat beside her, their shoulders touching and making her heart race.

WikiHow wasn’t as reliable anymore.

“I never asked you,” she started, sipping on her soda, “how did you open Jordan’s locker?”

She scratched her neck, a smile resurfacing on her lips as she remembered his face when he opened the poop box.

“I had a friend in one of the group homes,” she shrugged, “she taught me how to do it. Besides, it’s not like it was a bank safe, it’s just a high school.”

“True,” she tried to say it like she didn’t really care, but Ellie could see she was at least a bit impressed. “That was a good one.”

“Thanks,” she smiled back at her, feeling pretty good about herself.

“So my best friend is a criminal, huh?” Dina teased, elbowing her sides and wiggling her eyebrows. Ellie rolled her eyes, though a sharp pain prickled at her heart with ‘best-friend’. Was that all they’ll ever be?

But there was also something more too, when Dina called her a criminal, that made her blood run cold. She felt her mouth get dry and she swallowed hard, trying to keep the memories away.

She’d had dreams about David, her hands red and warm with his blood as she stood above him gripping her switchblade.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

“For putting elephant shit in a locker? Absolutely.”

Dina laughed and Ellie’s heart did its flips in her chest. She was beautiful, but in the way you look at expensive things; wanting but knowing you can’t have them. Dina was precious, too precious for Ellie.

Dina cleaned her throat, bringing Ellie back to the conversation.

“So, how’s Cat?” Ellie furrowed her brows. They never talked about Cat. 

Mostly because Dina didn’t seem to like her very much, but also because Dina always looked too serious when she talked about her, face pulled down in a frown. Ellie shrugged.

“In the city, getting ready for college,” Dina hesitated.

“Isn’t she gonna visit her girlfriend before classes start?” Her voice was harder, her tone held acid barely hidden. Ellie scratched her neck.

“We’re not dating anymore,” Dina looked up, muttering a sorry but Ellie saw she was biting back a smile. “Still friends, though.”

“That’s good. I mean, it’d be weird because you’re friends with Jesse so I guess you’re gonna see her a lot,” Ellie stretched her legs, thumbing the rim of her cup.

“That’s true,” Dina was sitting close and their shoulders were touching, making her get nervous and agitated.

It was sunny and hot, and Dina looked cute in her shorts and t-shirt. Ellie tried not to stare at her toned legs or at her exposed neck. But it was weird because the more she told herself not to look, the more her eyes were attracted to her.

“Did something happen?” she asked, trying to keep her mind out of her checking her friend out and thinking about her tired eyes at the café. “You look tired and we’re not even in school yet.”

Dina chuckled, looking down at her cup. Her eyes went dark for a second, her expression low before she looked up at her with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “Just some problems at home. I had a fight with my sister.”

Ellie nodded. She had no siblings to fight with, but she saw Henry and Sam and she remembered the kids in the group homes, how some managed to almost feel like brothers and sisters to her.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” she knew too well sometimes you just didn’t wanna talk, just be. Dina shook her head.

Ellie wanted to comfort her, because she was upset even if she was trying hard not to show it. Should she tell her a joke? 

She remembered the day after the race, how Dina hid her face in Ellie’s shoulders to cry a bit, so she slowly put her arm around her in a side hug, feeling her heart speed up in her chest and sparks over her skin. She was nervous, unsure if she was doing it right and if Dina could sense the effect she had her.

Dina chuckled, letting her head fall on Ellie’s shoulders. “Thanks.”

Ellie just nodded, trying to keep her heart rate at a manageable speed. She felt weird because, as much as her heart was racing, she also felt comfortable and relaxed, like things were falling into place around her.

It was nice to sit there with her friends and talk about nothing, her shoulder touching Dina’s like it didn’t make her body overheat.

Ah, the summer.

“It’s unfair how good you are at Risk,” Dina said, shaking her head and taking her shoes off as they entered Ellie’s home. She just shrugged.

“Not all of us can be this amazing. It truly is a burden,” she said lightly and Dina shoved her, laughing too.

Ellie was glad that after the cold shoulder, Dina was back to talking normally to her. She wasn’t sure if it really had to do with the fact that Cat wasn’t around anymore or if she was just having other problems and ended up ignoring her, but now it was gone. 

And it felt good.

She took their cups of water to the living room and made herself comfortable, stretching her legs on top of the centre table. Dina took her cup from her hand and sat beside her, tucking her legs under her body.

“So what do you wanna do?” she sipped at her water. It was really hot now that it was almost 30°C outside and the walk they had to do to get to her apartment made her start to sweat, “movie? PS4?”

“Sure,” Dina said, and Ellie snickered.

“That’s not an answer,” but Dina just smiled and shrugged, looking at her from the corner of her eyes.

“I know.” Ellie just kept staring at her until she rolled her eyes and shoved her. “Fine. We can play first.”

“I knew it. You’re getting as addicted as I am,” she said, taking the controller and turning the PS4 on.

“No, I am not,” Dina put her cup down beside Ellie’s feet, “I still have a long way to go before I reach your junkie ass.”

She let Dina play a bit alone, because it was fun to watch her try and die, or how excited she got when she managed to make some progress.

“It’s crazy how these guys never have to go to the bathroom,” Dina said absentmindedly, her thumbs over the R3, “but I guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat or drink… And you just take pills.”

Ellie laughed, looking at Dina then back at the TV. She was really cute with her concentrated expression, her eyes glued on the screen as she tried not to die. And then she did.

“You know what? You can play,” she said, breathing deeply in annoyance, but Ellie just kept smiling, “why are you laughing?”

“Nothin’,” she stood up, stretching her arms above her head and turning to the kitchen, “are you hungry?”

She saw Dina narrow her eyes at her, suspicious, but she said nothing. Instead, she stood and followed her. Ellie couldn’t tell her she was smiling because she was cute, and she didn’t feel like lying and saying it was because she was bad.

“Yeah, I am,” she leaned on a counter, eyeing Ellie as she moved around, picking the bread, cheese, ham and chips from cabinets and the fridge. She was trying to ignore Dina’s eyes on her, focusing on taking the ingredients and putting them on the table.

It was both the fact that she was used to being alone in the afternoons and the fact she was trying to ignore Dina’s eyes that put her in that position: standing really close to Dina to get the plates in the cabinet above her head.

Ellie froze, her hand on the handle above her head as they locked eyes. Dina’s brown eyes were dark, and she couldn’t read them. Was she uncomfortable? She knew she should move away, but she didn’t want to. She wanted to close the distance between them, she wanted to kiss Dina.

It was like time had stopped, the moment stretched as they stared into each other’s eyes. Her heart was beating so loud in the silence of the kitchen she was afraid Dina could hear it. She could sense her palms getting sweaty and it was suddenly so hot in there.

Fuck Summer.

Dina’s eyes flicked down to her lips and back at her eyes as she licked them out of nervousness. She was still, her hand gripping the handle above her as she kept looking down at Dina.

Then she felt Dina’s hand on her hip, tugging her closer, angling her head back towards Ellie, closing the distance between them… 

“Ellie?” they heard Joel yelling from the front door, and she awkwardly stepped back, clearing her throat. “Are you home yet?”

“Y-Yeah. We’re eating,” she called back, pressing the bridge of her nose in frustration and embarrassment. She heard the cabinet opening and Dina passed her a plate before walking out to the dinner table.

“Hey Dina,” Joel said, nodding at them and sitting on the couch.

“Hi Joel,” she smiled, making her sandwich as Ellie joined her at the table.

“How was work today?” she saw his scratching his neck, looking away.

“You know. Uh… It was work,” she narrowed her eyes at him.

“Where were you again?” he sighed, standing and making his way towards the kitchen. “Were you fixing at Esther’s?”

He got silent for a second and it was enough for her to grin.

“Oh, Joel is getting a girlfriend!” she teased and Dina tried to stifle a chuckle by biting down at her sandwich. Joel got himself a cup of water from the fridge and slapped the back on his way back to the couch.

“I just fixed her cabinet, kiddo,” he sipped at his cup and she shrugged.

“That’s not the only thing you’ll be doing, trust me,” she mumbled under her breath and Dina choked on her bread, making Ellie laugh.

They finished their sandwiches in a low conversation, half listening to the TV Joel was watching. Ellie wasn’t sure if she should say something after what happened. Was it something from her head or did they really almost kiss?

Now was not the time to have a gay panic moment.

“I gotta go, Ellie,” Dina said, standing up and giving her a quick hug, “my mom is gonna be pissed if I stay out too late.”

“I-Okay,” she walked her to the door as Dina said her goodbyes to Joel and slipped her shoes back in. “You still coming tomorrow?” She asked sheepishly, fearing Dina would shut her out, but she only smiled.

“Of course. See ya!” and then she left.

Ellie let her forehead rest on the closed door and sighed.

“You okay in there, kiddo?” Joel asked from the sofa, looking at her with concerned eyes. She nodded, sitting beside him and putting her feet on the centre table. “Did ya guys fight?”

She shook her head, sighing again. “Not really… I don’t know,” she looked up at the ceiling, letting her head fall on the back of the couch, “It’s complicated.”

Joel hummed, and she could feel his eyes on her as the silence between them grew longer.

“Uh… Do you wanna watch Curtis and Viper?” Joel broke it, scratching the back of his neck.

She smiled at herself, standing and going to the kitchen, “I sure do, old man. I’ll make the popcorn.”

They sat together, watching the movie and commenting over it as the sun began to set. She couldn’t stop thinking about Dina. Dina leaning on the counter, looking up at her. Dina, tugging at her hips to bring her closer. Dina, who made her heart beat so fast she thought she’d just drop dead.

Dina, who was her best-friend.


	24. Ellie - You can count on me

She fucking hated first days. She hated how awkward she felt walking down the corridors not knowing where her friends were. Hated having to relearn how to wake up early and walking to school in the cold mornings.

At least now she didn’t need a map anymore.

She was glad nothing had changed between them after Dina left her house that day. She just came by the next day for them to watch movies and then meet the others at the lake, like nothing had happened. 

Maybe she had hallucinated. Maybe she was just overthinking the moment.

Her feet were stretched under the table, and she had her earbuds in, as she sat at the Literature classroom, watching the door as her classmates filtered in, waiting for one special girl.

Then Dina stepped in and she felt her lips curl as she walked and sat beside her. The bell rang and Ellie put her phone away.

“Hey, Ellie,” she smiled and the alone sight made her heart flutter.

Fuck you, WikiHow.

“Good morning,” Mr. Moore said, stepping in and putting his bag on the chair. “I hope you all had a good summer and recharged for your last year of High School.”

There were groans and sighs around, though a lot of them were also excited. It was the light at the end of the tunnel that is mandatory education.

Ellie just hoped she could get grades good enough to earn her a scholarship.

“We’re going to read a lot this year, so prepare yourselves,” the teacher said, and a lot more groans erupted around them, “and one of them will be Shakespeare, because I like him.”

She stole a glance at Dina. She was doodling on a loose-leaf on her binder. She wondered if Dina liked romantic cheesy shit or not. I mean, she knew Dina cried when they watched cartoons, so she was sensitive, and usually both went together, right?

“Why are you staring at me?” Dina questioned, head cocked to the side. Ellie felt herself get warm in embarrassment.

“I wasn’t,” she looked behind her, thinking of an excuse, “Kelsey was doing some weird shit.”

She had a feeling Dina didn’t believe her one bit, but she let it slide, going back to doodling.

And Ellie went back to stealing glances at her.

Dina had her hair in a ponytail, and she looked worried. The bags under her eyes were darker and she seemed fatigued. It made Ellie worry about her. She couldn’t be worried about school, this was the first day. Did something happen at her house? Was she still worried about her sister?

“You’re definitely staring at me, Ellie,” Dina said, a teasing grin on her lips. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“I’m trying to figure out how someone so small can be so annoying,” she said and Dina punched her arm.

“You’re so stupid.”

“I am,” she smiled, spinning her pencil on the top of her hand.

“Did you figure out how?” Dina leaned back on her seat, her eyes travelling from Mr. Moore to Ellie.

“I think everyone got like, 100 of some unit of annoying inside them. So because you’re small all your annoyance is concentrated,” she let her smile widen, “so you’re _super_ annoying.”

Dina laughed, covering her mouth with her hand.

“That’s so dumb. How can _you_ be second best at the tests?” Ellie shrugged.

“I’m just that good.”

“Ms. Almasi and Ms. Williams. Silence, please.” Mr. Moore asked from the front, and they nodded.

They managed to be silent for the rest of the class before splitting off in different directions. Ellie still couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong with Dina, that she was off.

Should she ask? Would Dina even talk to her? She always seemed so collected, always picture perfect.

Dina was on her mind through the morning as she was unsure of what to do. She didn’t want to let it slide in case there was something bothering her, but she wasn’t entirely sure how to approach the subject.

“I can’t believe this is our last year here,” Jesse said as they sat to have lunch. “I can’t believe you’ve here for just one year either.”

She shrugged with a smile. She didn’t believe either. By far the best year of her high school life.

“Now I just gotta have a perfect season in football and in math,” he looked worried so she patted his shoulder reassuringly.

“We’ll help you, you’ll be fine,” she sat across from him, waiting for the others to arrive. It was a blessing to have Physics so close to lunch break because the classroom was so close they barely had to stay in line.

“Thanks. Do you know what you wanna do after?” She shrugged, eating her salad. She had ideas, but she wasn’t sure. And she kind of felt embarrassed they’d say it’s a kids dream.

“I’m not sure yet. You?”

“I wanna go to law school,” he took a bite of his lunch, “but I need the scholarship.”

_We all do, dude._

“I’m sure you’ll get it. Aren’t you like, a football genius? We’ll make you a SAT genius too,” he laughed as their friends arrived and sat around them.

“Why are you laughing?” Emma asked.

“Because I’m fucking funny and my jokes are awesome,” she said smugly and Emma rolled her eyes.

“Right. Anyway,” she leaned on her elbows, “did you guys see they opened a new club? Robotics or something like that.”

Dina stirred beside Ellie, her shoulder and knee touching hers as she looked up from her salad.

“Really?” she sounded excited and Ellie smiled at herself, “do you wanna check it out?” Emma and Lucas nodded.

“Yeah. I think it’s a new teacher. Mr. Linden?” Lucas shrugged, then pushed his glasses up his nose, “Looks a bit like a junkie, but if he teaches us how to build drones I don’t really care.”

“I hope he’s good,” Emma said. “Imagine building a roomba? I wouldn’t need to swipe the house anymore.”

She let her mind wander as they talked, eating her lunch. Should she enter some club? She already spent a lot of time at kickboxing and playing video games, but playing wouldn’t help her with her college applications.

Nothing really caught her attention, though. Not that she had actively searched but she wasn’t really interested in anything either.

“You’re quiet,” Dina said, her voice low in their own private conversation. Ellie shrugged, giving her a thin-lipped smile.

“Missing my jokes?” She rolled her eyes, elbowing her ribs and picking at her salad. “ _You_ are quiet. Did something happen?”

“No,” she said without missing a beat.

“I got a shit-radar, remember? I know there’s something bothering you,” she looked deep into Dina’s eyes but she just shrugged.

“Just tired. I’m not on a school sleep schedule yet,” Ellie narrowed her eyes at her, but let the subject drop. 

“Right,” she finished her sandwich, pulling her legs towards her under the table, “you know you can talk to me if you want.”

Dina looked down, a look of guilt crossing her face before she raised her head and smiled. “I know. Thanks, Ellie.”

She nodded, unable to shake off the feeling Dina was off. She couldn’t point out how she knew, but she felt it. It had been there, on and off since her sister went back for college, but now it seemed somehow worse. And she didn’t know what to do or what to say. 

But she hoped Dina knew she could come to her if she needed to.

Her heart was beating too fast in her chest as she opened her eyes and sat on the bed. 

She was safe, she was home.

Her hair was sticking in her forehead with the cold sweat and her hands were shaking. Red with blood. She was dizzy, and the room was fading around her.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

She kept repeating it in her mind, trying to control her breathing like Joel taught her.

Fuck David.

She walked out of her room and down the apartment and sat on the stairs outside. A cold breeze was blowing and it helped grounding her. The ground was cold under her butt, and the air smelled like trees. She could see the sky beginning to change colours, the sunrise approaching fast. There weren’t a lot of cars parked in the streets, and not a lot of movement yet.

She sighed and went back inside to put coffee in the machine for Joel before sitting on her desk with the open notebook while she waited to run to get ready for school.


	25. Dina - Know that I’ll take what I can

She hasn’t talked to Talia since she left.

It left her hollowed and alone. 

If only she didn’t like girls. 

If only she didn’t like Ellie.

It made her feel guilty, but it didn’t matter how much she prayed or how much she tried to force herself, she couldn’t stop liking her. She knew it wasn’t a choice, that she wasn’t wrong and that God wouldn’t be pissed, but her heart was still heavy in her chest. 

Why couldn’t they love her anyway? 

And it was hard not to like Ellie, not to feel attracted to her. She was beautiful and kind of hot. She could always make her laugh with her dumb jokes, and she was just so smart and talented.

Plus that shit she pulled on Jordan was hilarious.

And after they almost kissed at her house Dina had a feeling Ellie liked her too. She’d looked so nervous, but her eyes had been clear and sure, her pupils big. Ellie had looked like she wanted her too. 

And then Joel had walked in and she’d stepped back, her face getting all red. It was cute but how she wished he’d arrived a few minutes later. 

But Ellie hadn’t said anything since, nor made any move, and now Dina was afraid she’d read it all wrong. And she wouldn’t bring it up and make a fool of herself. What if Ellie thought it was weird and their friendship became weird? 

She couldn’t have that.

So she too ignored that almost-kiss.

It was driving her crazy, the fact she didn’t know for sure how far Ellie’s feelings for her went; was it more than friendship? And she couldn’t talk to her best friend about it, because Ellie was her best friend.

At least now she, Emma and Lucas were in the Robotics club, so she could use it to distract herself from Ellie and _feelings_.

Mr. Linden was an old guy with whitening hair and that surprisingly didn’t need glasses to see. He was a bit rude, the introvert type, but deep down she could see he cared. Or at least he cared about the robots.

He started off with the plans for the year, how at the end they should be able to build a simple robot to do a simple task. And honestly? She was so fucking excited to do it.

The three of them were talking about it in the car as they drove to the lake again, her hair getting whipped by the wind and sweat dripping down her neck. It was really hot, but it was a beautiful day and they’d decided to enjoy it before classes weighed them down.

Ellie was on the seat behind her, staring out at the window. She always wore oversized plain T-shirts and soccer shorts, and she looked really good on them. Dina stole a glance at her through the mirror and she was just looking out, apparently not paying attention at all to their conversation.

They stopped and climbed out as Mike’s car stopped beside them. The lake was less crowded that day and Dina felt herself relax under the sun. It was beautiful with the grass stretching around and the patches with sand where the volleyball court stood.

“I wish we wouldn’t have so much to do that we could come here more often,” Mike said, holding the volleyball ball.

“And that winter didn’t last half the year,” Jesse completed. And they all agreed. It was easy to get lost in the summer feeling, the warmth of the sun and the trips to the lake.

“We should go skiing this year,” Bonnie said as she stripped down to her swimsuit and lied on her towel. “It’s been so long since I’ve gone skiing.”

It felt good to have one last retreat before working her ass off for school and she was planning on making sure she’d enjoy the day. It felt good to distract herself from everything, from her mother and Talia, from having to think about her future.

Except she couldn’t really distract herself from Ellie when she was sitting beside her.

They played cards under the trees before Bonnie, Mike, Ellie and Jesse went away to the court. Lucas didn’t like to play because he was afraid the ball would hit him in the face and break his glasses, so they kept themselves under the shadow, observing.

Dina tried to not check Ellie out.

“Do you still like Jesse?” Emma asked, making her head snap back at her.

“Huh?”

“You’re staring,” she pointed out, and Dina heard Lucas chuckling on Emma’s other side.

“I like volleyball,” she shrugged, knowing her eyes probably held more than sport interest.

“Pfft, sure,” Emma rolled her eyes and Dina sighed.

“I don’t like Jesse. Not like that,” she said, looking away at the lake.

It made her heart hurt, to think about Ellie like that. She wanted to stop liking her, to stop pining after her best friend, but it was hard. 

_“You know if you can have children and a family like in the Torah… It’s banned and considered unnatural. You can’t… You can’t be gay, Dina.”_

As if she had a fucking choice.

They fell into silence after that, until the four of them walked back from the court, all of them full of sand and sweat.

“Boonie, no!” Emma said as Bonnie tried to hug her. She just stood up and sprinted off, Bonnie laughing and running after her.

“We’ll swim a bit, do you wanna come?” Ellie asked, looking back at the lake where Jesse and Mike already had the water up their waists.

She could feel Lucas looking at her and her heart speeding up. Ellie was standing, offering her hand to her and she took it.

“Okay,” Ellie gave her that big smile and undressed before walking towards the lake. 

“Ellie.” She waited until they were waist high in the water, and far from Jesse and Mike to start, and Ellie hummed, her eyes on her, “can I ask you a question?”

“You just did,” she said and Dina rolled her eyes. “But sure, ask another one.”

“How did Joel react when you told him you like girls?”

It was watching the blue screen in the computer; Ellie had no expression, then she looked away. They had water up their shoulders now, and Ellie submerged for a second.

“He doesn't know. At least I didn’t say anything to him,” water was streaming down her neck and she furrowed her brows a little. “Why?”

She swallowed, trying to keep her cool, trying to keep her tone nonchalant. “I spoke with my sister and she didn’t have the reaction I was hoping for,” she tried to keep the tears in and the hurt out of her voice.

Ellie nodded, kicking the water and swimming around her.

“I’m sorry she was an asshole,” Ellie’s eyes were soft, softer than she’d ever seen as she stood there, her hands on Dina’s shoulders. She was blocking the sun, and it made it easier to look up at her. “I know it’s not the same, but you got us.”

She smiled, closing the distance between them and hugging her. She could sense Ellie tensing up under her for a second before her arms wrapped around her waist. “Thanks, Ellie.”

“It’s okay,” she stepped back and Dina smiled at her. She actually felt lighter, at least for telling someone about it.

Then Ellie splashed water on her face and laughed.

“Or too bad you got us, should I say,” she said and Dina splashed her face too as they laughed.

She wished she could live in that moment forever.


	26. Dina - All I can say is, this stress hurts

September came with Jesse’s birthday and left with the taste of pumpkin lattes as October arrived.

It was stressful to hear the teachers and the counselors talking about college all the time. She hated it, she hated when her mother asked if she already applied to the college nearby, she hated when Coach G told her she could go anywhere, she hated to hear her friends making plans.

She hated when they asked about what she wanted to major in, about her career, about her future. She didn't know. She wasn't really good at anything. She barely knew what she was doing. She was not even that smart.

She was a fraud.

Dina was running in the morning, trying not to think about college and trying not to let failure weigh her down. The air was starting to get colder at night and in the early mornings, but it was fine running around in her t-shirt and shorts. It felt good to focus on her breathing, on her feet against the asphalt.

_“I think you’ll be unstoppable at regionals.”_

She smiled to herself, her stomach doing flips as she remembered Ellie’s words, the honesty in her green eyes. She took a detour, running uphill towards the forest close by. It was a nice change of pace, going up and down between the trees, and the smell reminded her of Ellie; earthy and fresh. 

Dina’s legs were hurting and her lungs were burning as she left the woods to run back home for a shower. The sky was beginning to change colours to a smooth baby-blue, past the sunrise yellows and pinks.

She was drenched in sweat when she entered her house, knowing her mother would be downstairs drinking coffee.

“Hi,” she said, speeding across the table towards her room. The last thing she wanted was to hear her mother.

She was up and then downstairs fast, grabbing an apple and putting two pieces of bread in the toaster. She had Art with Ellie and Jesse and Math with Ellie. Probably Bonnie and Jesse would ask them to start the tutoring at the café soon too.

She put cheese inside the warm bread and walked out the door with a quick goodbye to her mother. She didn’t look very happy, but again, when did she?

She stifled a yawn as she walked the rest of the way to school, kind of hoping she would run into Ellie but knowing she wouldn’t because the other girl was always late in the mornings. She ate her cheese sandwich then brushed her teeth in the school bathroom.

And then she walked into class and it seemed like everyone was talking about tests or college applications.

She huffed, sitting on her desk and putting her head on her hands. She was so tired. She hated the emptiness in her chest, the feeling she was a failure weighing down her heart and choking on her lungs.

Fuck that.

Lucas was laughing so hard he was crying and Emma was banging her head on the table beside him. Bonnie was looking at them across the table, her face almost as red as her hair.

Dina sat beside her as Ellie sat across, looking confused between them.

“Where’s Jesse and Mike?” Ellie asked.

“Jesse lost the last bet so he gotta run laps before lunch,” Emma managed to speak.

So he and Mike were really working hard for getting into college.

“Why are you guys laughing so much?” Dina asked, messing around with her salad.

“Greg’s doing another Halloween party and Bonnie just told us she was thinking of going as Queen Elizabeth,” Emma answered again, because Lucas just couldn’t speak.

“Oh man, I’m dying,” Lucas was wiping away tears. “I’m not even sure why I think that’s so funny.”

“I think it’s the hat,” Ellie said, shrugging, and they all laughed again.

“What are you two going as?” Bonnie asked and they shrugged.

“I don’t know, maybe Frankenstein,” Lucas said, still grinning.

Dina turned to Ellie almost without thinking.

“Dude, we could go as Jack and Sally. From The Nightmare Before Christmas,” she was suddenly so excited for Halloween. How the hell had she not thought about that before? It was perfect for her, and who better than Ellie to be her pair?

Until she remembered they were a couple.

She looked at Ellie who was just shocked as she stared back at her. She blinked before closing her mouth and swallowing.

“Can I be Jack?” she asked and Dina breathed again. She got really worried for a second, thinking Ellie would overthink and think more than it was and things would go weird, but it all went alright.

“Duh. I’m obviously Sally,” she smiled at her and Ellie chuckled, her cheeks pink.

“Cool. I’m glad you won’t be in a stupid hoodie this year,” she teased and Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“The scariest monster was me all along,” she mocked, touching her forearm. Dina punched her arm over the table.

“Shut up, dumbasaur,” Ellie smiled and rolled her eyes.

She looked over at Ellie, trying to picture her with skeleton makeup and in a suit. She would definitely look hot in a suit, and the thought made her look away and she caught Emma looking at her, a knowing smile on her lips.

She smiled back, but there was an uneasy turn in her stomach, like she just got caught doing something wrong.


	27. Ellie - There's a million reasons why I should give you up

“I’m gonna get benched!” Jesse groaned letting his head fall on the table.

Ellie flicked his ears and sighed, “No, you’re not. C’mon now.”

“I don’t get it, Ellie,” he started, but she cut him.

“Yet. And that’s why I’m here. You’ll be fine.”

He groaned again before she flicked his ear again to make him stand and pay attention to his Math homework. 

It felt weird that she could look at equations and know how to solve them, knowing full well it wasn’t like that to most of the other kids. She felt too comfortable with Math, but she knew most of them didn’t.

Dina lifted her eyes up from Bonnie’s binder and gave her a quick reassuring smile before looking back down. She was just so pretty, and it made Ellie’s heart skip a beat in her chest.

Fuck feelings.

She turned her attention back to Jesse, to his messy handwriting and took a sip of her own hot chocolate. It was cold and the sky was cloudy and trees were turning yellow. It felt good to be outside while she cold wasn’t biting her fingertips off.

She watched as he kept scribbling down the solution and he corrected. It was a pace they were familiar with, and they kept at it until the sun was low in the sky.

“Okay, buddy, you’re ready,” she told him, looking into his eyes and holding his shoulders. Jesse gave her a faint smile.

“Thanks, Ellie.”

“You’re gonna be fine,” she reassured him before paying and walking away up towards Dina’s car. At least the team had a reputation of winning, so Ellie had a feeling the odds were in their favour to keep Jesse in and to make him have success.

Dina bumped her shoulder into hers and Ellie grinned down at her. 

“I hope he does good tomorrow,” Ellie sighed and Dina nodded.

“I know he will,” Dina playfully shoved her, making her sway a bit, “but he is on the verge of being benched, so I hope I’m right.”

“I mean, I helped him, so he can’t do that bad,” she raised an eyebrow smugly and Dina scoffed.

“Yeah, right,” Dina rolled her eyes and they waited for the light to turn red so Ellie could cross the street, “bye, Ellie.”

“Bye guys,” she crossed and left.

It felt good to finally have friends.

Her phone lit up on the couch beside her and she paused the game to check it. Dina was telling her to be ready at the convenience store and in two hours, because apparently she didn’t trust Ellie’s clock.

She put her hair in a bun at the back of her neck and painted her face like a skeleton. It turned out pretty great, if she could say so herself. Then she put on black jeans and a striped suit jacket she bought in a thrift store with Joel and a weird ass-bowtie.

Joel had smiled at her, complimenting her makeup and told her to be responsible and call him if she needed anything before she grabbed her keys and walked out. The night sky was mostly clear, but some clouds were slowly drifting around and gathering. It was fucking cold already.

Ellie was sitting on the curb, the soda can beside her and her forearms on top of her knees. She let her chin rest on her arms, music playing on her earbuds as she waited. And wondered why the fuck she still let herself be convinced to go out.

An Audi slowed down and stopped in front of her. And then the window rolled down and she saw Dina and Lucas inside.

Some things never change.

“Come on in, string bean!” Dina shouted at her and she rolled her eyes before throwing the can in the trash and opening the door.

“Nice make up, Jack,” Lucas said, and she thanked him before asking what the fuck he was and why he was always in a suit. He laughed, turning back to the front, “me and Emma are the guys from Man in Black.”

“That’s cool,” she turned to Dina, holding the will to flick her ears because she was driving, “And how’s my Sally?”

Dina looked pretty good with her blue-ish skin and the stitches all across her face and down her neck and arms. Her dress seemed quite spot on too, though Ellie couldn’t really tell from the backseat of the car.

“You know, falling apart,” Dina answered nonchalantly and they chuckled.

Dina slowed down as they approached Greg’s house. She already knew what to expect, but it didn't fail to impress her how big the houses in the neighbourhood could be. The music was loud enough they could somewhat hear it from the outside, and Ellie could feel the bass reverberating around her when they got close.

Didn’t take them long to meet with Emma and then Jesse and Mike, who were dressed in red jackets and white belts.

“What the fuck are you two?” she asked Jesse, looking between him and Mike. 

“We’re the guards of Buckingham Palace,” she said, laughing and looking around, “Bonnie is the queen.”

“I can’t believe she actually went with that,” Dina said, looking around too, “I need a picture of that.”

“Oh, we got some already. It’s terrible,” Mike said.

It was nice to be around them even if they had to yell to be heard, or if there were a lot of kids dancing and drinking around them. It was pretty hot inside the house too, probably because there were more than three kids per meter squared.

Lucas disappeared after some time, then Emma went away too. Then Ellie felt the need to breathe so she went to the backyard where the beer pong table was set.

She sat on the little ledge in front of the flowers, looking at the people partying for some time. The music was still loud, but it was fading in the open and it was more comfortable outside, away from people’s eyes.

Dina didn’t say anything about the almost kiss and she was glad. She felt great ignoring that. Kind of. 

She sometimes wondered what would’ve happened if they had actually kissed.

But she knew better than to dwell in what-ifs.

She stretched her legs in front of her, looking at her snickers. Dina had told her about her sister not accepting her, and she seemed really hurt by it at the lake. Was that the only reason she’s been down lately?

She couldn’t help but think how Joel would react, though. The thought of him shutting her out made her heart sink from sadness in her heart. He never showed himself as nothing but supportive of her, as she hoped he would keep that way when she told him the truth.

“So this is where you ran off to,” Dina said, smiling and sitting beside her, “it’s not so fun to be without you, Jack.”

She chuckled, looking up at the sky. Maybe it was going to rain.

“Yeah, it was a bit too crowded inside,” Dina nodded and they fell into silence, watching the people around them. 

Dina was sitting close, their arms touching and making her feel self conscious of it. 

“How are you?” Ellie asked, looking back at Dina, “have your sister talked to you yet?”

Dina shook her head.

“I was hoping she would on Yom Kippur, but she didn’t,” Dina’s voice was quiet, “I did ask for God’s forgiveness, though.”

Ellie touched the hand she had between them and squeezed.

“It’s not something that needs to be forgiven,” she said in a low voice too, and Dina shot her a quick smile as she squeezed her hand back.

“I came to invite you to a beer pong set," Lucas interrupted out of nowhere, extending a hand towards them.

But they kept themselves sitting.

“C’mon guys, no one wants to play with me and Emma because most of them already know we always win,” he pleaded, making his best puppy eyes at them.

Dina sighed, standing and pulling Ellie to her feet with her.

“Let’s kick his ass,” she said with a wink, making Ellie’s heart skip beats in her chest as she nodded along. 

They got taken to the beer pong table, where Mike and Bonnie were playing against each other, with partners Ellie was now familiar with. One of them was in the track team, and the other played baseball.

Bonnie and the boy lost by three cups, and they all had a bit of a swing on their steps to make Ellie know they weren’t sober at all. It was funny watching a Queen Elizabeth missing her steps and holding onto a person with a horse head. She wasn’t sure if it was less weird than her Pennywise from last year.

“I wanna see why you’re in the basketball team, Ellie,” Dina said, taking her ping pong ball and making her roll her eyes.

She already knew he had some skills on the game and that Lucas and Emma were like an evil power couple, throwing balls fast and downing cups. But she and Dina weren't a bad duo, and they managed to win by one cup.

“Finally, a worthy opponent,” Lucas said, and a lot of kids around them cheered.

He and Emma walked towards them, stopping a few feet away and raising a pen. “But now you’ll forget this ever happened,” and then his pen actually lit up in a blinding light.

Ellie slapped his hand down, her eyes closed and her brain already hurting. “Ouch”

Lucas laughed, “I think Emma had a few too many drinks tonight,” Emma punched his arm, “since I have to drive, so lucky you.”

“Stop trying to find excuses,” Dina said with a grin, “just accept we’re better than you two.”

“You two _really_ work well together,” Emma agreed, winking at Dina.

“Pffttt, beginner’s luck,” he smiled then walked away with Emma.

“Remember this next time, Lucas!” Dina yelled after them before sitting again beside Ellie in the flower ledge. “That was a good game, Jack.”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “It was.”

“But you know what it’s missing, right?” Ellie shook her head again and Dina stood. “They dance at the end of the movie.”

Ellie tried to remember, but she really wasn’t sure if they did it or not. 

It was one of Dina’s favourite movies, though, so she probably knew what she was talking about.

Dina put her hand on Ellie’s shoulders as she let her own rest on her waist. They swayed slowly in place, listening to the faded bass from the house. Dina was keeping them toe to toe, a solemn expression on her face.

Ellie’s heart was beating fast inside her chest, though, and she kept looking away. Dina was really close and she didn’t want to mess things up. 

“Merry Christmas, Ellie,” Dina said with a smile and she grinned back at her.

“Merry Christmas, Dina.”

She was looking up at her, big brown eyes flicking down to her lips and up to her eyes. She swallowed hard, hearing her own heartbeat rather than the music. She could do it, but should she do it?

Dina had drunk a few cups on their game because Lucas would drive them back, but she wasn’t sure it was enough to cloud her mind. Would it be too wrong, to kiss her after a few drinks?

She looked away, up at the sky before smiling back down at Dina.

“We should go back inside. It’s too cold for you out here,” she said and Dina nodded.

She should really stop putting herself in hard situations before she did something she’d regret.


	28. Ellie - One kiss is all it takes

Mike and Jesse were together in the field, both wearing the burgundy uniform of the football team.

It was mid-November and they were all freezing in the bleachers watching the game. Ellie didn’t understand a thing about football, but they were her friends so she was there, sitting between Dina and Lucas and hoping they’d win.

Ellie had no idea of what was happening, but there were a lot of boys tackling each other over a ball. It was kinda fun to watch, but she was looking for Jesse in the field. She had no idea why they did those formations each time and she was waiting for the moment one of them would kick the ball to see if it flew in the fork.

“Do you see Jesse?” she asked, hoping one of them had. Lucas was jumping around and yelling with Emma, and Dina was clapping beside her. Bonnie was behind them holding part of a sign and cheering.

“He’s… there,” Lucas pointed at him and she began to track him down. He was fast when he had the ball, and a wall when he had to block and protect who had the ball.

A backfield passed to him and Ellie watched as Jesse ran through the field, his teammates protecting as he sped past the defense lines and made a point. Or something like that, because everyone was cheering and she too was yelling with them.

“That’s the last quarter,” Emma yelled for her over the loud cheering, “that’s our last chance to win.”

She nodded and looked back at the field as the school team walked to the centre and organized themselves in some formation. 

“Who’s that boy?” Dina pointed to a really small and skinny boy sitting at the benches but they all shrugged, “must be a freshman, then.”

“GO MOOSES!” Boonie yelled in her ear and they all cheered.

She barely understood what was happening but she was anxious all the same. This felt like when Dina was running all again and her heart was beating fast in her chest. She didn’t imagine she would ever care so much about a football game.

Between the cheers and the boys tackling each other in the field, Ellie wasn’t even feeling cold anymore. She was sweating and Dina was holding her hand tightly. It was both the excitement of the game and having Dina this close that made her heart beat so fast.

Then Jesse was running and the ball was flying towards him. He caught it in the air and kept sprinting, the opposing team tagging him. Ellie was gripping Dina’s hand so tightly she had no idea how either of them still had their fingers.

But it was too late.

Jesse crossed a line and they all cheered again.

It took them some time to finally sit at the diner, laughing and still cheering the team's victory.

“That was a good play, Jesse,” Mike said, clapping his shoulder. “There’s no way you’re not getting a scholarship after that one.”

Jesse was beaming.

It made her happy to see him like that. Happy and sure of himself. He was so relaxed now that the football season was over, though she knew it wasn’t the end. They still had college applications to fill and tests to take.

But now they’d celebrate.

***

> Ellie: dina where tf are you?  
>  Ellie: dinaaaa  
>  Ellie: oh wait, nevermind  
>  Ellie: i forgot you told me to meet you at the synagogue  
>  Ellie: pls dont answer 

She googled where the town synagogue was and walked towards it. The salted pavement did little to keep it from being slippy, so she was somewhat careful walking down it. There were piles of snow in the corners of the buildings and the sky was kind of dark with clouds.

It was a 15-minute walk from the café she’d stopped to buy a hot chocolate. The streets were empty and the music on her earbuds sounded even louder without cars passing by.

The synagogue was a large building with no real markings to its purpose. It was old and pretty, and she crossed the street towards it, checking her phone again to be sure she was in the right place.

“Now!” she heard someone yelling, and then she was hit by a bunch of snowballs and laughter.

“What the fuck?”

“Ellie! No cursing,” Dina shushed her as the other three kids laughed and yelled around them. 

She nodded, crouching down and making her own snowball and throwing at Dina.

“Guys? Attack!” Dina pointed at Ellie and all the kids started making balls and throwing them at her. She was fast and her aim wasn’t that bad, but it was five against one and she didn’t really stand a chance.

A little boy held onto her legs and she fell back into the snow, the air getting knocked out of her lungs. 

“It was a trap all along?” she breathed out and Dina laughed more.

“No, but it was the perfect opportunity,” she held her hand out and Ellie stood. She turned to the kids, “go back inside, I gotta go.”

They groaned and hugged her waist before running back inside. 

“Did you have fun?” Dina asked as they started making their way back to Dina’s car. Ellie huffed.

“No? It wasn’t really fair,” she sat beside Dina and rested her head back. “What do you wanna do?”

“Do you wanna go with me to the library? Mr. Linden asked us to look for a book for robotics,” she nodded and Ellie stole glances at Dina’s profile as she drove.

She had to find a way of ending these feelings before she did something and fucked their friendship.

“You really like the stuff you guys do at the club, right?” She asked Dina as they walked inside the library. Dina nodded, and she saw a smile on her lips.

“It’s really cool,” she walked between the aisles, searching for the book she needed, “Mr. Linden said maybe we’ll make a robot at the end of the year.”

It was easy to see how much she liked it. Her eyes were shining and she had a smile on. She was really pretty.

“Is that what you wanna do in college?” she asked and Dina froze for a second, her back to Ellie as she scanned the shelves.

“I like the club, but I like other things too and I don’t know if I like it enough to choose it for a job,” she shrugged, talking as if it wasn’t important, but Ellie could hear the tension in her voice.

She hummed, not really sure what she should say, “Joel told me to do what I want and that I can always change later,” she shrugged too, following Dina.

“Maybe…” she trailed off, picking up a book.

“I think you should do something you really like and can imagine yourself doing for a long time,” she scratched her neck and Dina nodded, taking the book to the librarian as Ellie kept following her, “or maybe something that deep down you always wanted to do.”

“I know, but I just don’t know what I should do, you know?” she sighed, “My mother wants me to keep working at the family business, but I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t do it,” she said as they walked back to the car, “at the end, it’s you that won’t be happy.”

She hoped Dina would understand what she meant, and that she wouldn’t major in something she didn’t want. But at the end, Ellie’s hopes didn’t really matter because the choice was Dina’s.

Ellie opened the door to her apartment and they left their shoes and coats beside the door before sitting on the sofa. 

“Do you wanna watch something?”

Dina shrugged, “we’ve finished Avatar already, so I’m not sure.”

“We can watch Gravity Falls,” she suggested, already typing the name on the search bar.

“Sure,” she sat beside Dina, stretching her legs over the centre table and feeling Dina lay her head on her shoulder.

Ellie was tired, and Dina’s warmth beside her was making her sleepy. She only had to survive more three weeks before Christmas break, she could do it. It would be easier if it wasn’t winter and if she didn’t dream about David constantly.

“Good evenin’, girls,” Joel said closing the door and making his way inside. Ellie opened her eyes, startled and Dina stirred beside her.

“Can’t believe that’s how you woke us up,” she mumbled and saw Dina rubbing her eyes.

“It’s just five o’clock, it’s not time to sleep,” she heard him fumbling in the kitchen to make coffee. She hummed and followed him.

“Are you hungry, Dina?” she asked, picking up things to make a sandwich from the cabinets.

She remembered Dina on the counter in Summer, and how close they were. Her hand on the cabinet above her head, Dina’s brown eyes looking up at her… They could’ve kissed. She felt her body growing hot in embarrassment.

Definitely not the right time to think about it.

They finished their sandwiches and made their way to Ellie’s room. She plopped down on her bed, putting on music from her phone and then looking at the ceiling. She could hear Dina looking around her room, which made her a bit uneasy.

“Why do you have so many space things?” Dina asked her from the other side of the room, and Ellie sat, shrugging.

“I like the space. I think it’s cool,” she stretched her legs, twisting her fingers as she wondered if she should tell Dina or not. “Do you know how many times we’ve been on the moon?”

Dina shook her head, tearing her attention from the bookshelf and back at her.

“Six,” she hesitated then flopped back, staring at the ceiling again. “I’ll be the seventh.”

“You wanna be an astronaut?” she looked at Ellie in awe, “that’s cool.”

Ellie felt herself relax. For a second she was afraid Dina would make fun of her, or say it was impossible, but the fact it didn’t come made her smile, relieved.

“I mean, I’d like to. But if I can work in NASA it’s already enough,” she sighed, imagining for a second how cool it’d be to be in a spacecraft and land on the Moon. To actually leave Earth and be able to look at it from outer space. 

She felt the mattress sink beside her and then Dina was lying too.

“What’d you want to do?” she asked again, growing nervous and looking at her from the corner of her eye, but Dina just shrugged.

“I don’t know,” she was quiet for a second, then turned to her with a smile, “maybe I’ll follow you to NASA to annoy you on the Moon.”

Ellie groaned, though she had a smile on her lips. Imagining herself together with Dina made her heart beat stronger in her chest, and she tried to control herself.

“Oh boy,” she turned too, facing Dina and her breath hitched in her throat. She was really close and Ellie felt her cheeks getting warm under her stare. Dina’s eyes had a honey glow from the afternoon sun that was coming from her window. 

Ellie let her eyes wander on her face, taking in her freckles, her thick eyebrows, the smile on her lips. She looked up at her eyes, not wanting to be caught staring at Dina’s lips, but she knew she was. And she knew Dina knew when her smile widened.

“Bet I you’d miss me if I stayed behind,” she said in a low voice, sending shivers down Ellie’s spine. Her heart was beating too fast and she played with her fingers, way too nervous.

Then she could feel the familiar scent of hibiscus and spices as Dina leaned towards her, propping herself up on her elbow and kissing Ellie.

It was just a brush of her lips against hers, soft and delicate. But it ignited her whole body on fire, and she followed Dina, keeping their lips connected. Dina smiled on her lips, her hand finding Ellie’s neck and pulling her closer.

It felt like the first cup of water after running a marathon and God knows how much she’d been running. It was the relief of finding shadow under the blazing sun, the comfort of fire in a snowstorm. Dina’s lips on hers were all that and more. Her heart was full and it felt like there were sparks under her skin, making a shiver run through her body.

The only thing that existed was her and Dina. Her hands found Dina’s hip and all she could hear was her heartbeat, faster than ever before. All she could feel was Dina’s lips on hers, her shampoo, her hand on her neck.

Then Dina touched her lips a second time, gentle and brief, before pulling away and looking into Ellie’s eyes. Her pink lips were pulled in a smile and her eyes blown.

“I gotta go,” she said, touching Ellie’s arm and pecking her lips one last time.

“Do you?” she swallowed, still not believing Dina kissed her. It felt too good to be true and she must have a face because Dina laughed.

“Yeah, I have to finish that Math assignment,” she kissed her cheek and stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Ellie.”

She walked Dina through the living room and out the door in auto-pilot, still shocked. Had that really happened? Did that mean something? That was too much to be just Dina being Dina, right?

She heard Dina saying her goodbyes to Joel then she slipped away. “See you,” she said with a wink and a smile.

Her heart was beating too fast to be healthy and she rested her forehead on the wooden door.

“Are you okay, kiddo?” Joel asked from the sofa, eyeing her, “did you guys fight again?”

She sighed, sitting beside him and watching the action movie he had already started.

“Not really. I don’t know,” she wasn’t watching, too lost in her own thoughts, and Joel hummed beside her, sipping on his coffee. “I don’t get her.”

“You’ll be fine,” he rested the mug on the table, “maybe you’re thinking too much.”

She definitely was thinking too much, because this was Dina, her best friend, who she had been crushing for at least a year now, and she kissed her. On the lips. In her room.

She could feel her cheeks warm and a smile curled up her lips.

“Yeah, maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think? 👀 was it a good slow burn? lol  
> See you guys next weekend  
> happy reading :)


	29. Dina - Girls like girls like boys do

Dina let her head rest on the steering wheel on her driveway. 

She couldn’t believe she had kissed Ellie. 

She didn’t even know from where she took all the courage to do it.

But Ellie had been so cute while they had the snowball fight with the kids, and then with her concerned eyes when they talked in the library about college, then her excitement when she talked about being an astronaut.

She knew God wouldn’t mind her kissing Ellie if it made her happy. 

She knew her mother would, though.

She’d been bottling her feelings for so long that kissing Ellie felt like finally letting it all go. She felt relieved, like a weight had disappeared from her shoulders, and happy. It felt like she’d been holding her breath for so long and now she could breathe again.

It felt _right._

She wondered how stressed she actually was with life. She had been worried about college applications, about track, about tests, about Ellie and about Talia and her mother. 

If they would just accept her, then she would have a smaller list of preoccupations. If she could just have them support her, then everything would be easier. 

_“I know it’s not the same, but you got us.”_

She did have them. She knew none of them would mind, especially because she’d already seen them when Ellie and Cat were a thing. She could not have her blood family, but her friends would be there for her.

She ended up thinking about Ellie again, about the kiss and her heart fluttered in her chest. What would she do? How would this change their relationship? What if she had just messed everything up?

Why did she kiss her? They were just lying around in Ellie’s bed like they had done a number of times already but she just felt the pull and then she was kissing her.

She could remember the feeling of Ellie’s hand on her hip, holding her as Dina pulled her closer. Her silky hair under her hand on her neck, her soft lips…

Fuck.

She left the car and went inside.

“Hi mom,” she greeted. Her mother was sitting at the table, glasses on her nose and laptop in front of her. She nodded at Dina, barely lifting her eyes from the screen.

Dina went up the stairs and opened her binder to finish her Math homework. She had panicked when she was at Ellie’s, but she did have an assignment to finish.

Dina stole a glance at Ellie through the rear mirror. She was wearing a black sweatshirt and her hair was in a bun at her neck. Lucas and Emma were in thermal shirts and talking excitedly about going skiing. 

Mike was in the car behind her, driving with Jesse and Bonnie to Jackson Hole.

“You guys know I can’t ski, right?” Ellie said, and they shifted their attention towards her.

“How can you live in Jackson and not know how to ski?” Lucas said, shocked.

“I moved here when I was 15 and Joel’s from Texas,” she answered and crossed her arms on her chest. “he doesn’t know how to ski either.”

“Three years ago, that’s a lot of time to learn,” he said again and Ellie rolled her eyes.

“I didn’t,” she rested her head in the window, “do they have sledges?”

“For an 18-year-old?” Emma looked back at her, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

They parked and went up the lift with their skis and snowboards. It was crowded inside them and Dina had her side pressed against Ellie’s. They didn’t do anything since she kissed Ellie in her room, but they were never really alone after that day, so having her that close made her kind of nervous.

“I’ll see if they have sledges to rent,” Ellie said, walking away in the snow.

“I wanna go down a black trail!” Bonnie said and Mike followed her to another lift. 

“You guys can go too if you want,” she said, “I’ll wait for Ellie.”

“Spend some quality time with Ellie, right?” Emma said in a low voice to her and smirked.

“We can do rotations,” Lucas said, picking up his snowboard and going towards the lift, “so you can ski too.”

“Sure,” they waved at her and she waited until Ellie came back with a sledge.

“They have more too,” she started, smiling slightly, “so maybe we can make a sledge race later.”

She nodded, and they walked up the kids lift. It was the smallest blue trail in the park, and Ellie was holding her sledge on her arms. 

“Do you wanna go down with me?”

She nodded, sitting behind Ellie and putting her hands around her waist. “Are you ready?”

Ellie didn’t even wait for her to answer before pushing the snow with her feet and leaning forward enough to give them speed.

Dina had completely forgotten the feeling of sitting on a sledge and having no control of their speed or anything. She just held tight onto Ellie as they made their way down. Then they started to slowly spin and were sideways.

“Oh no, this won’t-” she started, but then the sledge flipped and they fell in the snow.

Dina had no idea where was up and down as she rolled down. Something hit her leg, then she kind of saw a dark blur that was probably Ellie so she tried to hold onto that.

They stopped with her arms around Ellie’s body, her face inches away. There was snow everywhere on her hair and on her clothes, but her green eyes were shining and she had a tiny smile on her lips. 

Her face was red from the cold and from rolling on the snow, and Dina’s eyes flicked down to her lips. She was so close, it would be easy.

“Sorry,” she said, but her eyes were locked on Dina’s, “uh… let’s go-”

But Dina pulled her closer, closing the distance between them and kissing Ellie. 

Everything felt cold around her but Ellie’s mouth. She pulled her closer still for a second before she looked up at Ellie. Her face was red now, and her grin was wide. She hesitated before kissing Ellie’s cheek then motioning for her to stand up.

“Ready to go again?”

“Y-yes,” she smiled at her, the big Dina-smile and picked the sledge up.

They fell a lot more after that, but also managed to learn to control the spin a bit. If she was completely honest, she didn’t even want to ski, she was happy sledding down with Ellie. They tried other blue trails that were longer, so they would actually roll for more time.

Eventually they all reunited to drink coffee and eat french fries in the lodge. It was fun, even if snow had gone inside her clothes and she would probably have a bruise from when the sledge hit her thigh.

She and Ellie were the ones walking around because it was easier for them without the hard ski boots, so they ordered for all of them and sat on a long table.

“You should’ve seen, Bonnie was skiing really fast, right, and then she did a curve and a guy came out of nowhere and hit her,” Mike was telling them the story, barely keeping it together, “they rolled for a minute and left all the skis behind.”

Bonnie’s face was red, and she sipped on her coffee silently while they laughed. They ate and talked until it was time for the sledge race.

Dina sat behind Ellie, Lucas behind Emma and Bonnie behind Jesse. Mike was down, being the referee.

“3,2,1, go!” Lucas yelled and they all pushed with their feet before tucking them in.

Ellie was leaning forward and Dina glued to her back, scared they would fly and kill some kid that was going at a reasonable speed. She saw Jesse’s sledge flipping forward and Bonnie yelled as they rolled down.

Then she saw Emma e Lucas, both of them leaning forward as they slid side by side. 

“Losers buy snickers!” Emma yelled before she laughed.

Their sledge started to spin, and soon they were going down backwards.

“Fuck!” she heard Ellie saying before the sledge was flying one from under them and they were stumbling down.

“Sorry guys, Ellie and Dina won,” she heard Mike say after he chuckled, “they came first, even if they weren’t in the sledge anymore.”

“I want my snickers, Emma,” she gloated and Emma laughed, throwing a snowball at her.

She looked around, seeing Jesse and Bonnie sliding down and Ellie still on the ground.

“Ellie?” she had a gash on her head and blood dripping down it, “what happened?”

She looked up at her, “the sledge hit my head,” she took her glove off and touched her forehead. “I gotta clean this.”

“We’ll return the sledges,” Jesse offered, and Dina nodded, lifting Ellie and holding tight to her arm, “we’ll meet you guys down?”

“Yeah, put the stuff in the trunk,” she tossed him her keys and led Ellie to the bathroom.

“Ya know I’m not dizzy, right?” Ellie said with a smile. “I’m fine.”

“Well, you’re bleeding on the head, so,” she squeezed her arm, “I’m gonna hold you.”

“Weren’t you already gonna do that?” she smirked and Dina hit her arm, making Ellie laugh.

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t lead you to the bathroom.”

Ellie shrugged, and they asked the lady in the restaurant for a first aid kit. Dina sat her on a chair and cleaned Ellie’s gash with a gauze. She put antiseptic on the cut and Ellie closed her eyes as she cleaned it again.

“It’s too big for a band-aid, but I don’t think you’ll need stitches,” she told her. Her voice was softer, and Ellie was looking up at her.

“Thank you, Dina,” she smiled and looked away. “Should we go?”

She stood, and Dina pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pulling her to the lift. “Yeah, let’s go.”


	30. Dina - But I know where I stand

Talia pushed her glasses up her nose before smiling at Dina and ruffling her hair.

“Hello, sis,” she said, as if she hadn’t been ignoring Dina for the last four months. She was home for the Christmas break, and Dina had been nervous for days, waiting for her arrival. 

And now she was standing there as if nothing had happened.

“Hello, Talia,” she muttered, an uneasy feeling still in her chest.

Talia hugged her as she just stood, too shocked to say anything, to even hug her back.

Her sister dragged her upstairs to her room and closed the door. She was just too confused to stop her, until she was inside, looking at Talia.

“What the fuck?”

Talia’s brown eyes were nervous, and was fixing her glasses all the time.

“I wanted to apologize,” she said, immediately surprising her, “I wasn’t a good sister when you came out to me. I was too worried about mom and the synagogue that I didn’t think.”

Dina had no idea what she should say. She barely knew what Talia’s point was.

“I want you to know that I do love you, and we’ll go through this together,” Talia took her hand and squeezed. 

Did she have a change of heart in those four months? Was she actually accepting her now? Was it even possible? Did she have enough time to think for Dina to consider it as true?

“Are you serious?” Talia blinked, taking a step back.

“Of course I am,” she fixed her glasses again, “I should’ve stayed here for you. To support you.” She waited for Dina to say something and when she didn’t she kept going, “You’ll be fine, and I’ll help you.”

“I’m already fine, Talia.”

“Dina. You told me you’re in love with a girl,” she hissed and Dina wanted to slap her.

“No, I told you I _thought_ I liked a girl,” she corrected. She had been replaying that day in her mind too much to not know her exact words.

“Better yet. It’s probably wrong, then,” Talia smiled, as if all was fine.

But it wasn’t and Dina was growing more and more angry. First, Talia said she loved her, then she said Dina was wrong because she liked a girl, now she was saying she could help her not like Ellie? She was the wrong one.

“I don’t need your help, Talia,” she clenched her jaw and turned on her heels to leave.

“Dina-” Talia started, but she closed the door.

Talia would never understand. She was too focused on what she thought God wanted to see the laws they followed were created by men. She knew He wouldn’t mind the fact that yes, maybe she was falling in love with Ellie.

Ellie, who had an awful habit of having that serious or concentrated face 90% of the time that was actually kinda hot. Ellie, who was so intelligent but kinda dumb too and who had a talent for cracking her up.

Ellie, who had been there for her in silence and in jokes. Who helped her to study and to tutor, who lifted her spirits when she lost the race and when she fought with Talia.

> Dina: How’s your head?  
> Ellie: cracked  
> Dina: Ellie…. I’m serious  
> Ellie: and im ellie  
> Ellie: it’s been two days  
> Ellie: im fine  
> Dina: Are you sure?  
> Ellie: yep  
> Dina: Okay

Would it be weird to ask her to hang out? She didn’t want to be around Talia and her mother, but she was kind of nervous to see if something had changed between them. It was impossible for nothing to change, right? She kissed her! In two different days!

She sat at her table, trying to focus on her assignments, but it was hard. She had too much on her head, too much Talia and Ellie to focus on chemistry.

> Dina: Are you free today?  
> Ellie: yes  
> Ellie: you wanna come over?  
> Dina: What about dinner first, Ellie?  
> Ellie: fuck you  
> Ellie: will you come?  
> Dina: Sure

She put on a jacket and picked her keys to leave. Maybe her mom and Talia would be talking together and would barely notice her leaving.

“Where are you going?” her mother asked, looking up from her conversation with Talia.

“I’m meeting with Ellie,” she said, using all her strength to not look over at Talia. Her mother hummed and looked away, so she used it to slip past them and to her car.

She could still feel Talia’s eyes on her back, though.

It was still snowing but there wasn’t enough on the driveway that she had to shovel it again. She made her way to Ellie’s apartment, and every second her closer her heart beat faster.

Fuck it, she was gonna run.

Talia wouldn’t tell her mother. She had told Dina herself she shouldn’t so it made sense, for her not to, right? Plus, the way Dina had talked to her made it sound like she wasn’t sure, not like she was, in fact, liking a girl.

Though she was, and she had been for quite some time now.

She walked up the stairs to her apartment. Why was she nervous if she had done it a hundred times already? 

Ellie unlocked the door with pink cheeks and a small smile.

“Good evenin’, Dina,” Joel called from the kitchen.

“Hi, Joel,” she sat on the sofa and waited for Ellie to return from the kitchen.

“Do you have your Secret Santa present?” he asked, sitting on the armchair and sipping in his mug.

“Yes, I do. I hope they like it,” Ellie came back, holding two mugs and handing her one.

“That’s good. Ellie didn’ buy anything yet, did ya, kiddo?” Ellie shook her head, sipping on her hot chocolate and looking away, “ya know it’s in four days, right?”

“Joel. Stop butting in,” Joel was smiling behind his mug, and Ellie groaned. “Don’t you have to buy something for Esther?” 

“N-no,” he stood up, “I have to finish tomorrow's dinner.”

“Yep. Bye, old man,” Ellie watched Joel leave and then sighed, “what do you wanna do?”

_Oh Ellie, dangerous question._

Did she want to make out with her? Absolutely. She had been crushing on the girl for months now, and she had only kissed her twice, basically. But she also felt awkward because Ellie was her friend first, and she had no idea how to approach the subject. Should she ask if she’d liked it? But that would be straight up weird.

“We can watch something. The good old Nightmare Before Christmas to get into the spirit,” Ellie chuckled but obeyed.

She tried to keep her cool, keep it normal. She usually cuddled with Ellie, right? So Dina put her on Ellie’s shoulder, feeling her exhale and fidget with her fingers. Was Ellie’s heart beating as fast as hers?

“Relax, your shoulder is already bony enough,” she teased, covering Ellie’s hand with hers.

“Well, you’re the one that likes to cuddle,” she mumbled, but Dina ignored her, moving her arms around her shoulder.

“Yeah, someone gotta give you the human contact you need,” she said and Ellie huffed.

She said nothing more, but she managed to keep herself still as they watched the movie, overhearing Joel cursing at the kitchen every now and then. Should she do something? Where was overconfident Dina when she needed her? The Dina that could flirt with anyone anytime? 

She slowly moved her hand, as if she wasn’t making a move, and touched Ellie’s hand. She held her breath in as she intertwined their fingers. Oogie Boogie was singing and Ellie’s fingers were cold against the back of her hand. She squeezed her hand and Ellie squeezed back.

And then she could breathe again, and she smiled up at Ellie.

“Ellie? Where did you put the pepper?” Joel yelled from the kitchen and Ellie sighed.

Dina watched as she stood and walked over to the kitchen, talking to Joel and making fun of him. It was nice to hear their bantering, even if she didn’t really understand all their words. It had a sense of peace and friendship even if they were teasing each other.

Could she ever have something like that with her mother?

She walked over to the kitchen, where they were talking and fixing stuff for Christmas dinner tomorrow. 

“You need help?” She asked and Ellie nodded while Joel shook his head.

“Yep, we have no idea what we’re doing, internet recipes aren’t as specific as we need them to be,” Ellie said, showing her the screen of her phone.

“You just have to do what it’s written, Ellie,” she washed her hands and read again, “you know, follow the instructions?”

“Ha-ha,” Ellie mocked her, walking away and sitting on the counter, “fuck you.”

She laughed and even Joel chuckled.

“It’s true, kiddo,” he looked over his shoulder at Ellie, his hazel eyes glinting, “you just gotta read it.”

“How are you second best in school?” Dina teased again and Ellie huffed.

“Shut up,” she took another sip of her mug, “and stop ganging up on me with Joel!”

They laughed and Dina eyed her again, “It’s not my fault you’re kinda dumb.”

“Well, no one can do everything,” she hopped off the counter and checked the potatoes in the stove, shaking her head to them. 

“I’m glad you don’t disagree with the dumb part,” Dina said, chuckling again and Ellie groaned.

She stole a glance at Joel and he seemed to be enjoying himself, reading the recipe and mixing stuff inside a ziplock bag.

Even with their bickering, it was always fun to be around them and she felt lighter. It was the three of them, with the girls stealing glances at each other and then pretending nothing was happening.

She stopped chopping the vegetables when she heard the soft ringing of her phone. Dina let the knife on the board and walked back to the couch, picking her phone from the pocket of her jacket.

“Yes?” she pressed the phone to her ear as her mother started blabbering, asking where she was, if she didn’t have a house anymore, when she was coming home. She sighed, looking through the window.

It was dark already, but it was hard to tell if it was late or if it was just winter. There were pools of light from the lampposts in the street and snow falling quite heavily.

“Okay, I’m coming,” she said, putting the phone back in her pocket and walking to the kitchen. “I gotta go, my mom needs me at home,” they nodded at her, “bye Joel, thanks for having me.”

“Anytime,” he said before going back to fixing his marinade. Ellie walked her to the door, unlocking and smiling at her.

“I’ll see you at the Secret Santa,” she leaned on the doorframe, looking somewhat nervous. Dina laughed again, then nodded.

“Yeah, see you.”

She wondered if she could kiss Ellie. Should she kiss her? Was she expecting it? 

She waved, then turned on her feet and walked down to her car.


	31. Dina - All I want for Christmas is you

She drove with Ellie to Jesse’s house.

They didn’t talk about what happened on Christmas Eve at Ellie’s, because technically, nothing had happened. They only held hands, and giving Dina’s personality, it didn’t usually mean a lot.

But it had never meant so much.

Ellie, though, had been avoiding looking at her, even if her voice was normal when they talked. It was weird.

It wasn’t snowing like it had been last year, but there were piles of snow on the sides of the road and the sky was dark with clouds.

Robin had left them some food and drinks and all of them held a glass with juice of soda inside. The fire burned and made the room cozy as they were all sitting around Jesse’s centre table.

They played board games and talked until they decided to start the Secret Santa. It was weird how similar it was to last years, except there was no Cat that year and Jesse was nothing more than a friend.

Then Ellie opened the little packet and Dina held her breath, waiting for her reaction. She’d gotten her a grey NASA hoodie with a retro shuttle on it. She raised the sweatshirt, her lips opening in a grin and Dina breathed again, a smile on her own face.

“Thank you, Dina,” she said to her, the smile still on her face. It felt like it was only the two of them in Jesse’s living room.

“It’s fine,” she looked away, her eyes meeting Emma’s.

“I didn’t know you liked space, Ellie,” Jesse said and she shrugged.

“It’s cool,”was her only answer. 

“Hey, Dina, can you help me with the rice?” Emma said, pulling her towards the kitchen. Dina knew it had nothing to do with the rice because Robin already left it all ready for them. “What’s happening?”

Should she play dumb? But it was Emma, not Lucas. “What?”

Emma rolled her eyes, looking at the door then back at her. “I am all seeing, Dina,” she had a smile on her lips, though, “are you crushing on Ellie?”

“No!” Emma raised an eyebrow, unconvinced and she sighed. “Maybe… okay, yes.”

“I knew it! I was thinking about it for weeks, then you pulled that whole staring thing at the lake and I don’t know how the others didn’t figure it out yet,” she seemed really content with her discovery and she was holding Dina’s arm, “does she know you like her?”

“I thought it was obvious,” she mumbled. She honestly had thought she was better at hiding, but apparently not.

“I mean, it was, but we know how Ellie is dumb for shit like this,” she smiled, fixing herself another cup with soda, “I mean, she didn’t realize Cat was flirting with her for a month!”

They laughed, remembering how oblivious she’d been, how shocked she’d seemed at the Halloween party last year.

“She really is…” she sighed again. Should she be more direct? I mean, she _kissed_ her, that was pretty straight forward. But then they kind of acted like it never happened. The two times it happened. “I don’t know how to say that.”

“How about, ‘hey Ellie, I like you’?” Emma shook her by the shoulders, “you gotta do it, what if she thinks you don’t like her and then someone comes along and steals her away?”

She forced out a laugh, a familiar cold feeling twisting in her stomach. 

“I don’t know. I’m afraid to mess our friendship up,” she confessed. It was true, she really liked her, but she was scared to change things, to lose Ellie’s as a friend if things didn’t work out.

“Bullshit,” Emma dismissed it with her hand, “I see all, Dina, and I see how she looks at you.”

“How?”

“The same way you look at her. Almost,” she smirked teasingly, “you kinda undress her with your eyes sometimes.”

“Shut up!” she said, pushing her and they both laughed as they exited the kitchen, “I do not do it.”

But Emma only hummed, like she wasn’t convinced, and took her place beside Lucas with a wink at her.

Was it really that obvious she was crushing on her? Or was it just because Emma was really perceptive? Could she keep living without having that conversation? I mean, wasn’t it obvious after kissing her? That’s what you do when you like someone, right?

“Thanks for the hoodie,” Ellie said beside her, making her smile.

“Figured you’d like something space-y,” she chuckled, and Ellie did too.

She learned to find peace beside Ellie, but her heart also did all this messed up beats that made her hands sweaty and her breath catch every time Ellie was around her. 

She wondered if Ellie felt it too.

“Are you coming to the bonfire?” She cleared her throat, feeling an uncharacteristic nervousness. Ellie nodded. 

“Yeah, the old man is going out with Esther,” she shook her head, “can you believe he’s actually going out with someone? Like, on a date?”

Dina laughed at Ellie’s voice, feeling the awkwardness vanish. She moved slightly, making her shoulder touch Ellie’s and then smiled up at her.

She could ask her out on a date. Could she? Should she?

“Dina-” Ellie started, but Bonnie cut her.

“Hey, you two, we’re playing UNO, c’mon,” she motioned for them to sit around the centre table again and they followed.

“What were you gonna say?” she watched as Ellie’s cheeks turned pink and she looked away.

“N-Nothing,” then she sat at the table and looked at all of them, “I’m gonna destroy you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I did commit a slight mistake and wrote 3 Dina chapters, but well  
> It's how the story needs to be told.
> 
> Also, I've been writing another thing - so I probably won't be posting almost every day like I did at the beginning (will still write on it, I'm not on a hiatus or anything)
> 
> Happy reading, dears :)


	32. Ellie - ‘Cause there’s a spark in you

Ellie woke up abruptly, her eyes shooting open and a hand rising up to her chest. Her hair has glued to her neck and to her forehead.

She looked down at her shaky hands, but they were normal. There was no blood in them.

“Shh, it’s okay, kiddo,” Joel said. He was sitting beside her in his pajamas, a worried look in his eyes. “You dreamin’ of him again?”

Her mouth was dry, so she nodded at him. Her heart was still racing and she tried to control her breathing. A part of her felt ashamed that even after all those years, he still had something on her. That she couldn’t just forget him.

Joel sighed, his hand beside her knee on the mattress.

“This happenin’ a lot?” again, she nodded, still trying to calm her racing heart,”Look, Ellie, I think you should go to a therapist-”

“What? No way,” she shook her head. Her voice sounded weird, but Joel found her eyes and his eyes were serious.

“I can’t help you like they can, Ellie,” he paused, holding her gaze before letting it drop to his hand. “After Sarah’s death… It’s good to talk to someone.” 

She was tired of having nightmares with David, of seeing him behind her eyelids when she felt asleep. She was tired of him having a part of her. But a shrink? 

But if _Joel_ was saying _talking_ helped… Then maybe it did. Maybe she should give it a chance, even if she didn’t feel like it. She sighed.

“I’m taking a shower,” she said, her voice still hoarse. Joel looked up at her, his eyes full of concern and love breaking through her a little, making her sigh. “I’ll think about it, Joel.”

He nodded, a soft smile on his lips. “Talking helps, Ellie,” he said, standing and walking with her to the corridor. “Call me if you need anything, kiddo.”

She nodded before stepping in the bathroom.

Fuck David for doing this to her. 

Joel was dressed in one of his best button-ups and his usual caramel jacket as he stood in front of the couch for Ellie to approve.

“Looking old,” she said, eyeing him and trying not to smile as he rolled his eyes. She stopped her journaling, “but I’m sure she already knows it.”

“I don’t know why I ask you,” he muttered, checking the hour on his broken watch, “when are y’all leaving?”

She shrugged, yawning and looking back at the TV. “Maybe nine and a half?”

“Ellie,” Joel said, crossing his arms on his chest, “it’s nine and a half now.”

“Wait, what?” She checked the time on her phone and sure enough, she should be leaving. Also, Lucas had called her a couple times.“Fuck, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Joel shook his head in amusement, “I had no way to know, kiddo.”

She turned the console off and sprinted inside, slipping out of her sweatpants and into jeans. She put her new hoodie on and brushed her teeth before running back and tying her sneakers and putting on a jacket.

Joel hit her head with his gloves before she left, “hey, be careful, y’ hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she picked her keys and smirked at him, “have fun on your date, old man,” then she closed the door before he could say anything and ran down the stairs.

“Why didn’t you call me?” she questioned Dina as she slipped in the backseat with Lucas.

“I did, but you didn’t answer,” Lucas showed his screen and maybe she’d been a bit too busy to hear it. She hummed, putting on the seatbelt as Dina sped off.

The bonfire was at the border of the town, in a nice clear patch in the woods close to the lake. It actually had a sort of hole on the ground, so it was safe and easy to control.

The sky was clear and when they all stepped out of the car, the air was freezing. Mike opened his trunk and got a bottle of whiskey, serving cups for all of them. She didn’t really enjoy the taste, but it was good to keep her warm.

She eyed Dina. Beautiful Dina in her jacket with red cheeks from the cold, smiling at something Bonnie was saying. So close but so far away.

“Are you okay?” Jesse asked her, sitting beside her on the log. She nodded, looking at the fire. Then she heard Dina again and their eyes followed her. “She sure is something, isn’t she?”

“She… She is,” she looked down at her cup, the liquid inside and the shadows around them. The music was loud enough so they all could hear, but not loud enough that they had to yell to have a conversation.

What would Jesse say is he knew Dina had kissed her? Did it even mean something to her? It was Dina and she was really affectionate, right? Maybe this meant nothing. Especially because she never said anything about it after they kissed.

And she couldn’t even think about the hand holding on Christmas Eve because that was such a Dina thing that she couldn’t imagine it meaning anything she wanted it to mean.

But kissing definitely meant something, right? Should she talk about it since Dina hasn’t? What if she fucked everything up?

She looked up at Dina, and she as Jesse watched as she danced with Bonnie and Lucas. Then she looked back and they locked eyes.

“What time is it?” she asked Jesse, feeling her cheeks warm. 

“It’s eleven forty-five,” he looked back at her, “fifteen minutes for 2019.”

She nodded, looking up again, but now Dina was in front of her, “Ellie!” She smiled, taking her hand and pulling her away. She smiled at Jesse and he did too, raising his cup.

“Be back for the fireworks!” he said and Dina rolled her eyes.

“Yes, sir.” She made a mock salute and Ellie chuckled.

“You’re such a dick,” she let herself be pulled a little ways back, towards the parked cars.

“Come on. Don’t you start with me,” she stopped, leaning against her car and taking a sip from Ellie’s half-empty cup. “Are you ready to see something spectacular?”

“You’re not gonna point to your face, are you?” Dina scoffed, her breath visible in the cold air.

They were alone, the bonfire so distant now they could barely hear the music, though it was easy to spot the fire in the dark.

“Nothing is _that_ spectacular,” she looked up at Ellie, making her roll her eyes.

She wanted to know what they were doing so far from the others, why were they there. But she was too nervous to ask, so she just leaned on the car beside Dina, twisting her fingers and looking down.

She wanted to know what Dina was thinking, what she was feeling. If things with her sister were better, if she knew for what and where she would apply for college. 

But mostly, she wanted to ask her about them. Was it Dina being Dina or was it something more?

“Look, it’s starting,” Dina said, pointing up at the sky.

They were far from town enough that she could see a bunch of stars and it was really pretty. She was glad they had a clear sky, even if it was cold as hell, because then she could see the fireworks going up and the stars behind them.

They shone and exploded in front of them, behind the tree line and away, towards the town. It was beautiful and she caught herself smiling up at the sky.

“I’m sorry, but I think that’s more spectacular,” she said and Dina punched her arm before looking back up, smiling .

She wanted to ask why they were far from their friends to watch the fireworks, but she didn’t really care. It felt good to be away and to be with Dina.

“Ellie,” Dina’s voice was soft as she tugged on her hand, making her turn to her.Ellie could barely see her from the little light the fire behind her reached them, but Dina was absolutely beautiful. They were really close and Dina tucked a strand of hair behind Ellie’s ear, letting her hand rest on her neck. 

Her hand was warmer than she expected, but still made her shiver. She slowly lifted her hands to Dina’s waist, blinking in anticipation. She wanted to close the space between them, and her heart was beating so fast in her chest she could hear it in her ears.

Then Dina did it for her, pulling her closer and kissing her. 

And Ellie felt like the fireworks above them were exploding inside her with each time Dina connected their lips. Her heart was hammering inside her chest and she pulled Dina closer, smiling into the kiss.

Dina’s hands were light in her neck, her lips soft in hers. She could smell her perfume, and the distant burning of the bonfire. Dina tasted like whiskey and like whiskey she made Ellie warm.

She let her forehead rest against Dina’s, unable to control her smile.

“That was pretty spectacular, wasn’t it?” Dina teased, kissing her lips quickly and smiling at her. Ellie chuckled.

“I still think the fireworks were more spec-” she was cut by Dina punching her arm and she laughed. “Fine, you win against the fireworks.”

“As I should,” she grinned and started making her way towards their friends, “happy 2019, Ellie.”

“Happy 2019, Dina.”

She smiled at Dina and at their entwined hands. 

She couldn’t stay in the dark forever about them. She was going to ask Dina out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments, I read every one and they make my day ❤️  
> Also, what do you guys think Ellie would wear for prom? 👀
> 
> Happy reading!


	33. Ellie - When all your shadows almost killed your light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Ellie's past that includes an attempt of sexual assault and violence.

Ellie tossed her phone to the side on the sofa, picking up the controller to play. She was not going to check on it, she was going to pretend she wasn’t anxiously waiting for Dina’s answer.

The screen lit up and she immediately pressed pause and opened the message.

> Ellie: what are you doing today?  
>  Dina: Nothing. Why?  
>  Ellie: you wanna go grab a coffee?  
>  Dina: Are you asking me on a date, Ellie?  
>  Ellie: yes?  
>  Ellie: if you want to  
>  Ellie: it’s okay if you dont  
>  Ellie: do you?  
>  **Dina: You’re so stupid  
>  Dina: Yeah**

She rereads Dina’s answer, feeling butterflies in her stomach and a smile growing on her face. They agreed to meet at six, so Ellie still had about half an hour before she needed to start getting dressed.

Thirty minutes she obviously spends mindlessly playing video games, because her brain is too busy gay panicking. What should she do? Dina agreeing to go on a date with her had to mean she liked _liked_ her, right? As in a more-than-friends way.

She showered and tried to look nice. This was a date, should she wear something nicer than a t-shirt and her flannels? Maybe a button up? 

She ended up wearing a better put together version of her everyday clothes: the NASA hoodie and a nicer denim jacket with black jeans. 

“Where are you going?” Joel asked her as she passed by the kitchen. “Why are you dressed up?”

“What? Pfft,” she kept walking to the sofa to put on her shoes, “I’m always dressed like this.”

Joel leaned on the corridor, his arms crossed as he raised one eyebrow.

“New hoodie, fresh pants and socks, the cleanest jacket,” he counted on his fingers, “and you showered.”

“Just because Esther enjoys your old man smell doesn’t mean I wanna go out smelling like a mummy,” she said, bending down to tie her shoes. The comment only made Joel huff and roll his eyes.

“Who are you meeting with? Jesse?” She almost choked on her spit.

“No, with Dina. Why?”

“Nothing,” he said, but there was a different shine in his eyes, which made her shake her head and get her keys. “Don’t forget you guys have school tomorrow.”

“Sure, old man,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Careful on the way down, I heard you tripping down yesterday,” he teased and she just looked at him.

“It’s not my fault, it’s the snow!” Then before he could say anything, she closed the door.

She very carefully stepped down the stairs and walked down to the café. There was snow pilling on the corners of buildings and on the roads, and it fell from the sky, making her cheeks cold. She shoved her hands in her pockets, listening to her music and trying to calm herself down.

She had a solid plan: to tell Dina how she felt, because not knowing exactly where they stood was driving her crazy. She didn’t want to lose her, their friendship, but she was afraid not talking about it would lead to that. And if Dina said she didn’t like her, she would move on. She’d have to. 

She’d been very scared to say something and mess up what they had, but maybe they could sort things out and make it better.

Her heart was racing as she approached the café. This was it, that was the moment.

She stepped inside, looking for Dina, who was waiting while looking at something on her phone. She looked somewhat put together too and Ellie smiled at how pretty she was.

“Did you wait a lot?” She asked, sitting across from her. Dina smiled up at her.

“No, I’ve just arrived,” she looked down at her phone before pocketing it, “and you’re actually on time, so.”

Miracles happen when you like someone.

She felt her face hot. The café had some tables empty, but there were a lot of people inside and she breathed in the familiar smell of coffee and pastries. How did one act on a date? Was it that different from going out as friends?

They ordered their usual hot chocolate, and the waitress smiled at them before walking away.

“So, how was Joel’s date with Esther?” Dina asked and Ellie let out the breath she’d been holding. They were friends before they were anything else, she couldn’t forget that.

“I think he likes her,” she grinned, remembering Joel’s face. “he said they went for dinner and that she’s funny.” She paused, looking into the horizon for a second, “can you imagine Joel… _dating_?”

Dina laughed, then sipped on her mug, “Why are you so shocked?”

“I don’t know. I mean, it’s Joel,” she shrugged. Joel deserved to find love again after everything he’s been through, but the thought of it actually happening was weird to her. Maybe because of how much time he spent alone? “He’s been alone for too long, it just looks weird.”

“Did he look happy?”

“Yeah.”

Dina raised one eyebrow, as if saying ‘there you have it,’ and Ellie drank from her own mug. She felt more relaxed now, but there was still that underlying tension between them. They talked about school and about their friends and about movies. They talked about nothing and everything but the fact they were, technically, on a date.

Ellie had to do it, though. They couldn’t move forward like that, she needed to talk to Dina about stuff. Even if she felt very awkward in doing so.

“Dina, I…” Dina’s brown eyes were on hers, this time nervous too. How the fuck was she supposed to do this? She took in a breath, her heart beating too fast in her chest. She didn’t want to do it, but she had to. This was the only way out, the only way they could move forward.

Dina’s eyes never left hers, which actually made it harder. To actually open up and tell her how she felt. She gripped the mug, her knuckles straining on the ceramic.

“I like you,” she blurted out, and Dina beamed at her. She stretched her hand, touching the back of Ellie’s hand. Her touch softened her grip on the mug. “Like, I like _like_ you.”

Dina chuckled, rolling her eyes. “I like _like_ you too, Ellie,” she said after what felt like a million years, and Ellie couldn’t stop her own smile. It was all she needed right now.

“Really?” Dina let out an exasperated laugh.

“Yes? You didn’t realize?” 

Ellie shook her head, trying to remember where Dina acted somehow different but coming up with nothing. “You’re telling me you were flirting with me?”

“For the past six months, yeah, thanks for noticing,” Dina said with a sigh and they laughed together.

She didn’t realize how the uncertainty of their relationship, of Dina’s feelings towards her was a weight on her shoulders until now. Now she knew _for sure_ Dina liked her. She felt lighter, relieved.

She let out a relieved laugh and adjusted her hand so she could have Dina’s on hers. This was as far as she could go right now, because all her courage was spent saying that, so she just held Dina’s hand in hers, enjoying the fact that yes, Dina liked her back.

She didn’t mess things up, this was just the beginning of something different. A different Dina-Ellie thing.

_____

David cornered her in a hallway of the group home. 

She had just left her room to go brush her teeth before going to bed when he approached her, his scrawny frame still taller than her. He had stopped her in the corridor, slowly closing in and making her step back until her back was against the wall.

He had a thin nose and wrinkles on his face, a few grey streaks in his hair. 

“C’mon, don’t make it hard now,” he said, putting his hand on her hips. His voice was soft, gentle.

She was petrified for a second as he lowered his head, “it’s gonna be alright,” he breathed out.

She pushed him away, but he held her, a laugh on his lips. “There’s no way out.”

She was scared. Why did Joel have to be at the hospital? She should be with him, not here. Not here...

“I knew you had heart. But it’s okay to give up, there’s no shame in that,” she fought against his hold on her wrist, his voice now poisoned with hatred and rage. “I guess not… It’s just not your style is it?”

She felt panic and anger rising up in her chest as she kept fighting against his grip. She managed to free a hand and picked the switchblade out of her back pocket, pressing the blade open.

And then she shoved it in his ribs.

“Fuck you,” and then she pushed the blade against his body again and again.

Her heart was beating too fast in her chest as she opened her eyes and sat on the bed. Her hair was sticking in her forehead with the cold sweat and her hands were shaking. Slick, red with blood. She was dizzy, and the room was fading around her.

“Ellie? What’s wrong?” Dina mumbled beside her on the bed as she turned on the bedside lamp.

She was gasping for air, and she felt a burning in her lungs like she’d been holding her breath for too long.

_“When you’re lost in the darkness, look for the light.”_

It was fine. She was safe.

She felt Dina’s hand on her cheek, her brown eyes worried.

What was she doing there again?

She tried to breathe, to slow down her heart. Dina slept over because it was snowing too much and because it was too late when they finished their movies. Nothing new. 

Except now she woke her up before dawn because of a nightmare.

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” she stood, taking a new set of clothes and walking to the door, “go back to sleep, I’m gonna shower.”

She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked pale and her hair was a mess. The bags under her eyes were darker and she looked thinner. 

Ellie entered the shower, the warm water helping her calm down. She was home, she was fine. She put on another set of sweatpants and T-shirt before brushing her teeth and stepping out of the bathroom and to her room.

She eyed her tattoo, the moth and the fern under it.

Dina had her head on the pillow, but her eyes were following her as she slipped under the covers.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Did she? No. But they said it helped. She steeled herself, steading her voice.

“There was this guy in one of the group homes, before I came,” she looked up at the ceiling, hearing Dina’s breathing beside her, feeling her warmth. “He was almost fifty, I guess?”

Her voice sounded distant. She didn’t want to remember it, but she wanted to tell someone. Maybe it would make the burden easier to carry. 

She felt Dina’s hand on hers, intertwining their fingers and making her realize she was still shaking a little. Could she do it?

“He cornered me in a hallway, he forced himself on me,” she swallowed, her mouth dry, “and I stabbed him.”

She didn’t want to cry. She held it in, together with the guilt and the shame.

“Is he in jail?” Dina asked, her hand never leaving Ellie’s. She nodded.

“Yeah,” that wasn’t exactly the issue, was it?

“It’s not your fault Ellie,” Dina scooted closer, letting her head fall on her shoulder, “he deserved it.”

She shook her head, unable to tell the truth. It wasn’t because he tried to get intimate with her, it was because when she stabbed him, she wanted him dead. She wanted him to die to the point she stabbed him repeatedly. 

It was her fault he was at the hospital for months and she didn’t regret it. It was her fault that she felt so angry she had _wanted_ to take his life.

She couldn’t tell her that, though, could she?

She felt the tears slowly falling down towards her temple as she drifted to sleep, the familiar weight sitting on her chest.


	34. Dina - I wanna hold your hand

Dina applied for a few colleges around Jackson and some farther. She even applied to some close to Talia, because a part of her still had hope she’d come around and support her.

It was weird at home when Talia was there. She’d stare at Dina, as if she wanted to say something, but she never did. They didn’t watch TV after dinner together anymore and for the first time, she was relieved when Talia went back for college.

She knew Talia wouldn’t tell their mother Dina was liking a girl, but it put a tension in their relationship. Dina liked Ellie and Talia didn’t approve that she liked a girl because she was stupid.

Seeing Ellie wake up like that in the middle of the night worried her. Especially because she’d been drenched in cold sweat, and was shaking. How her eyes were clouded for a few seconds, then focused on her.

She’d looked so distant, so broken.

And then she felt so angry with Ellie’s story. She was glad David was in jail, though she personally believed he deserved worse. He made her angry. It infuriated her that Ellie had to go through that, that David had come to her. 

Fuck him.

She wished she could do something to help her, but Ellie wouldn’t even touch the subject, acting like it never happened.

She was looking at Ellie now, the top of her hair in that tiny ponytail as she looked down at equations on her notebook. She was concentrated, her brows slightly furrowed and she scribbled down numbers. She still had bags under her eyes, but they weren’t as dark anymore.

“Are you okay?” She heard herself asking and Ellie looked at her from the corner of her eyes, nodding.

“Yeah.” Dina hummed. Should she talk about it with Ellie? She was still worried about her, but she had a feeling Ellie didn’t want to talk about it.

She went back to her own homework. Tests were coming fast as January was ending, and track season was the next thing she’d have to worry about. She had to be in her best shape ever for this year’s race for her resumé.

“Do you wanna take this somewhere else?” she asked, closing her binder and looking at Ellie.

“Uh… Sure?”

“Let’s go, then, I need a hot chocolate,” she pulled Ellie’s hand, making her laugh and put her stuff in her own backpack.

“Say no more,” they walked out of the library, and Dina slipped her hand in Ellie’s, intertwining their fingers. She didn’t miss the small smile on Ellie’s lips. “I’ve been thinking,” Ellie said after a while, “and I… I really like you.”

She chuckled. Ellie’s cheeks were red til the tips of her ears. It was cute and it made her heart warm from seeing it. 

“You’ve been thinking about how much you like me?” she teased, making Ellie roll her eyes. “I’m flattered.”

“Shut up, Dina,” Ellie shook her head, taking in a breath. “We’ve been going out for some time now, right?”

Dina nodded, smiling at her. It was almost February now, so they had been hanging out for quite some time. Since Dina kissed her that day before Christmas to now, she had stolen a bunch of kisses and Ellie herself pulled her closer for a few rare ones. And it’s been almost three weeks since she said she “liked liked” Ellie.

“Uh… so, would you like to be my girlfriend? Like, officially?” Dina chuckled, stopping and making Ellie face her.

“Ellie…” she furrowed her brow, trying her best not to smile and she saw Ellie look up and tug at her backpack straps, her whole face red.

“You know what, forget it-”

Dina cut her with a quick peck on her lips, and both of them smiled at the kiss.

“I mean, I think you need me to stop you from being too dumb, so yeah,” she squeezed Ellie’s hand and she rolled her eyes. 

“You’re too annoying, I’m already regretting it,” Ellie said, but she still had a smile on her lips.

Dina chuckled, pulling her close for another quick kiss, “I like you too.”

They sat at the café table, and Ellie stretched her feet under the table, taking a notebook out of her backpack and a pencil.

“Are you still having those dreams?” she asked when they had their hot chocolates, and she eyed Ellie as she took a sip without looking at her.

“Uh… Yeah…” she cleared her throat, “How’s your sister?”

Oh Ellie, you’re no good.

“She’s fine. Maybe she’ll come for my race this year, because I’m a senior,” she shrugged, trying to pretend she didn’t care, but Ellie touched her hand, “but I don’t know. I’m not sure anymore. She’s so focused on what she thinks it’s right for a Jewish girl she forgets God didn’t write the Torah.”

Ellie nodded along, her green eyes comforting.

“I just wished she would support me, you know. Like, love me? But I guess you can’t have it all,” she tried to keep the sadness off her voice and off her eyes.

“And your mom?” she just shook her head.

“No, she’s the worst. She’d never understand. She already doesn’t like me that much when I look like a perfect Jewish, if she discovers I’m not straight she’s gonna kill me.”

Ellie gave her a small smile, “well, that wouldn’t be very Jewish of her, I guess.”

Dina laughed, kicking Ellie’s feet and taking a sip from her mug. “Shut up.”

They studied some more, and Ellie helped her with Physics. It was a bit hard to pay attention with her face so close, and she ended up stealing a bunch of kisses anyways. It was like peace in the middle of a storm and she breathed in.

“I’m tired,” she sighed, looking at Ellie. “I hate finals week and I’m so nervous about track.”

“Well, you only need to worry about the tests, because the competition is strong,” she pointed to herself, “but you said you were gonna win this year's race, so.”

She rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway. 

“I’m still gonna be first,” she leaned back on the chair, “and win the race.”

Ellie nodded, but there was a glint on her eyes, “I bet you will.”

They studied a bit more until they made their way up the street and she kissed Ellie once before she crossed the street. She wished she could go with her, she wanted to spend more time with her.

“Don’t forget we’re tutoring Bonnie and Jesse tomorrow,” she warned and Ellie nodded then waved.

_____

The track team was training the last stretch before the competition.

They were focusing on speed now, making sure they had an explosive beginning and could keep the speed. Focusing on quickening their time of reaction, so they would start running as they heard the gunshot.

“That was pretty good, girls,” Coach G said, taking notes on her clipboard and nodding at them. “Sam, we gotta fix your posture just a little bit, but we’re getting there.”

The girls smiled at each other, picking up their bags and leaving for the locker room. They seemed excited and confident, which was good, especially after they lost at the regionals last year.

“Dina, wait a second, please.” she called, and Dina looked up at her. “Have you already applied to any college?”

She gave her a tired smile. “I have, Coach.”

She nodded, eyeing her seriously but with pride, “you’re fast, Dina. I’m sure you’ll get yourself a scholarship at the big ones. Maybe even with your sister on the east.”

Dina forced herself to keep the smile on her face as Coach G patted her shoulder, “thank you, Coach.”

“You’ll be fine, girl,” Dina waved as she walked towards the locker room, “I’ll be cheering for you!”

She couldn’t help the genuine smile at her words.

_____

Dina paced in her room, growing more frustrated with each passing second. 

Valentine’s day was coming and she had absolutely no idea what she should gift Ellie. Was she supposed to give a romantic present, or was it like another birthday and she could give her a normal gift?

How do people do Valentine’s Day? 

And she couldn’t really ask her friends for help, because they didn’t tell anyone yet.

Would Ellie do anything? They technically only started dating a couple of weeks ago, but they were a thing for a few months already, right? She didn’t want to overdo it, but also she kind of wanted to give her something.

It’s the thought that counts, right?

They were sitting in the library, studying together. Dina had her hand resting on Ellie’s thigh, keeping her leg from bouncing. She was holding her pencil with the other hand, but her mind was still on that day she was pacing in her room, thinking of a present for Ellie.

“Hey, do you know who that is?” Ellie nods to a boy sitting a few tables away, but she shakes her head.

“I don’t know,” he looks familiar and it clicks,” he was at Jesse’s football game, remember? On the bench.”

It takes a second, but Ellie nods, remembering him. The boy has his hair closely shaved to his head, eyes slanted. He’s looking down on his notes, but there’s a lot of books around him. They watched him for a second, and then that girl that Jordan was bullying came in and sat beside him.

“I think I’ve heard of him,” Dina says, trying to remember the gossip she hears around school. “I think he’s her brother.”

“How do you know that?” Ellie looks at her and she chuckles.

“People talked about her after everything between you and Jordan,” she shrugged, eyeing them again, “but they don’t mess with her.”

Ellie nodded, a tiny smile on her lips. Dina knew fighting wasn’t good, but Ellie protected that girl last year, and now no one messed with her. She was free and had friends. Dina kissed her cheek, sliding her hand up Ellie’s thigh.

“I have a Valentine's gift for you,” she whispered in her ear, biting down the laughter. Ellie’s whole face was pink under her freckles.

“D-Do you?” Ellie swallowed, putting her pencil down. Her eyes were blown, focused on Dina’s.

“Yeah,” she moved in closer, kissing her then moving away and picking up her backpack. She got a rectangular-shaped wrapped thing and gave it to her. “here.”

“What-Oh. Right,” her face was red to the ears now, and she cleared her throat. “Of course. I have something for you too.”

She opened the package, revealing a limited edition of the spin-off series from Savage Starlight. Ellie’s eyes were wide with surprise and her smile was full of happiness.

“I can’t believe it!” she looked from it to Dina, her expression so pure Dina felt herself smile too, “you’re amazing, babe.”

She kissed her on the cheek, and Dina chuckled. It was funny how easy the pet name rolled off her tongue, how natural it felt.

“I know I am,” she said, making Ellie roll her eyes. She moved her hand back to Ellie’s thigh, moving it as she whispered again, “did you think it was something else?”

“What? No,” Ellie scoffed, gripping the hardcover comic book and Dina laughed.

“Yeah, right. You should take your mind from the gutter, Ellie.”

“Fuck off,” she said under her breath, her face still flushed.

“You look cute when you’re embarrassed,” she kissed Ellie’s cheek again. Ellie shook her head, and she rested her chin on her hand, her elbow on the table as she looked at her. “So, what do you have for me?”

“A dinner date,” she said, a smug smile on her lips. “At seven.”

“Will you come pick me up?” she raised one eyebrow and Ellie crossed her arms over her chest.

“In my Vans, I will,” she makes Dina roll her eyes, “so be ready.”

To her surprise, Ellie was not on her feet, but on Joel’s truck. She was standing outside her house in a nice button up and jacket, snow falling softly around them.

“I thought you were coming in your Vans,” she said, throwing her arms around Ellie’s neck to pull her closer for a kiss.

“I did,” she lifted a foot to show she was, in fact, wearing a pair of Vans. 

“In this weather?” she said as they sat and Ellie started the engine. “You’re gonna lose your toes.”

Ellie chuckled, driving them to a nice restaurant in town. “No, I won’t.”

“Die of hypothermia, then.” She glanced at Dina.

“Do you want me to die?” 

“No, I’m just betting that’s how it’s gonna happen.” Ellie chuckled, and Dina really wished she could give her a kiss now.

“Can I make my bet?”

“Absolutely not. It’s too easy for you to manipulate the results.”

Ellie laughed, moving her hand to intertwine their fingers. 

They sat at the restaurant, and Ellie looked really nice in her clothes. So nice Dina couldn’t really keep her eyes off her, and she found ways of keeping them touching throughout the dinner - their hands or their feet under the table. 

The restaurant was full of older couples, but they were in their own private world, laughing and eating and flirting. 

“C’mon, now, I’ll drive you home,” Ellie stretched her hand for Dina to take. Eating together and sharing a dessert was perfect. Ellie’s idea was perfect.

Ellie pulls over in front of her house, and Dina smiles.

“That was a good gift, wasn’t it?” Ellie says smugly and Dina rolls her eyes.

“Almost as good as mine,” she says in a low voice, bringing her face closer to Ellie’s. So close their noses are brushing, so close she can feel Ellie’s breath against her lips.

There’s not enough light inside the truck, but she can see the way Ellie’s eyes are blown, her pupils big and dark. She can see how her green eyes flicker down to her lips, the way she stares hungrily at them.

And she feels that familiar pool of warmth deep inside her body, growing under her stare.

Ellie’s lips crash on hers, hard and passionate, making everything inside her burn. Her hand finds the back of Ellie’s neck and her nails dig in softly at the base of her skull as Ellie’s hand finds its way to her waist. 

She wants Ellie closer still, because having the gear shift between them left them too far apart. She breathed in, leaning towards her over the handbrake and feeling Ellie’s strong arms wrap around her waist. Their tongues brush and Dina hears a sharp inhale from Ellie, then the loud sound when she presses the horn.

“Fuck,” she says, breaking away and making Dina laugh. Ellie let her forehead rest on the steering wheel, her ears turning pink.

“I’ll go before my mom comes to investigate,” she says, kissing Ellie once before leaving. “See you tomorrow.”

“Bye,” she said weakly, revving the engine once again and driving away.

Dina unlocked the door and stepped inside. Her mother was sitting on the sofa, a cup of coffee on her hand as she watched something on the TV. She walked past her and up the stairs, the feeling of Ellie’s lips against hers still making her smile.


	35. Dina - It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

“We gotta tell the others we’re dating,” Dina said at the café as they studied for the tests. Ellie raised her eyes from the notebook and nodded.

The sky was dotted with clouds, but was mostly clear and it was warm enough that they could sit on the outside tables. It was only cold when the wind blew, so they were comfortable enough.

“Yeah. Do you think Jesse will be fine with it?” Ellie scratched her neck, looking around, “I mean, isn’t it an unspoken rule not to date your friend's ex girlfriend?”

Dina shrugged, “Maybe. But knowing him I don’t think he’ll mind.”

“Yeah,” she sighed. The bags under her eyes were lighter, like she was getting more sleep now. “Maybe we could tell him after the tests, so we don’t have to double stress.”

Dina hummed, finishing her chocolate and going back to her notes. They had to talk to Jesse, she had to do well in the tests and in her race and maybe fix her relationship with Talia.

Talia had called her in February, and she had been kinder, more accepting. They just talked, ignoring what had happened and it was almost like Dina had never said anything.

She wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, though.

“I’m done for now,” Ellie said, closing her notebook at stretching her arms above her, “wanna come over?”

“Ellie,” she breathed out, in a fake horrified tone, “are you flirting with me?”

She just rolled her eyes, putting her stuff in her backpack and putting her hand out for Dina to take. “Not right now.”

She chuckled as they walked up the street to her apartment, hand in hand. Her heart was warm as they walked, and even Ellie, that usually had a neutral face on, was smiling slightly.

Ellie unlocked the door and they stepped in, letting their backpacks by the entrance and walking over to the sofa.

“Joel?” Ellie called by no one answered, so she shrugged and sat on the sofa. “What do you wanna do?”

Her voice sounded lower, charged. It made Dina’s heart beat faster in her chest as she sat beside Ellie. Both of them had a tiny smile on, and Dina let her eyes flutter down to her lips before looking back up.

“I mean…” she smirked, touching their noses. She could feel Ellie’s breath on her lips, her green eyes half-closed. “Do I really have to answer that?”

Ellie’s hand found its way to her cheeks, and she pulled her closer, connecting their lips. Dina felt herself falling back, and Ellie was above her, her mouth never leaving hers. Her fingers were cold but her mouth was warm and Dina felt goosebumps all over her skin.

Her heart was racing in her chest and her own hands were on Ellie’s waist, pulling her closer. Ellie kisses were slow, her lips soft on hers, on her cheek, on her neck. Dina slipped her fingers under Ellie’s shirt, feeling her taut stomach and the way her breath quickened too.

She let her hands slide up Ellie’s back, feeling her muscles until she reached her sports bra then back down. She felt Ellie bite lightly on the side of her neck before kissing her lips again. 

They had been dating but because they couldn’t go to Dina’s house and it seemed like Joel was always home, it felt like they never had opportunities to make out. And now all that build tension was spilling out and all she wanted was Ellie.

“Ellie,” she breathed out, swallowing hard and tugging at her hoodie.

Then they heard the door rattling on its hinges and Joel’s voice, “Ellie!”

“Fuck, Joel,” she mumbled, letting her forehead rest for a second on the sofa beside Dina’s head, “why?”

She stood and Dina sat, picking her phone and trying to calm herself.

“Take your keys out after you lock the door so I can open it,” he said when she unlocked the door for him. He had arms crossed on his chest, the exact same way Ellie crossed hers, and shook his head before stepping in. “Oh, hello, Dina.”

“Hey Joel,” Ellie sat beside her, picking up the PS4 controller. 

“How was work, old man?”

“Fine. Esther called me to fix the cabinet of her bathroom. The wood was wet, so I had to remove it,” he walked to the kitchen and she heard the pot as he was making himself coffee.

“Bet that’s not the only thing that was wet,” Ellie muttered and Dina snorted. “Have you invited her on a date yet?”

“No,” he walked back, eyeing her, “have you invited Jesse on a date yet?”

“What? Jesse?” Ellie was so caught off guard Dina had to pictured Talia’s face to stop herself from laughing.

“Yeah. I heard the way Jesse talked about you.”

Ellie looked at her, saying with her eyes that he was crazy, “No. Jesse and I are just friends.”

“Now, now, now, I've got a pretty keen eye for these sort of things.” 

“Not so keen with this one,” Ellie put her head on her hand, and Dina chuckled. If only he knew what he had interrupted.

“We'll see,” he said, walking back with his coffee.

“Don't hold your breath,” Ellie looked once at him before turning her attention to the TV. Joel hummed, sitting on the armchair and watching Ellie play as he finished his mug. 

_____

Their friends sat at the bleachers, watching them stretch on the grass. They were wearing the burgundy sweatpants and the school varsity jacket as they pulled their feet to stretch the calves and then their quads.

She waved at them with a smile, immediately looking for Ellie. They had been dating for a couple of weeks now, and it didn’t really change much on how they acted around each other. At least in front of their friends, anyways. They still had to tell the others, and both of them were delaying it because of Jesse.

Ellie was standing, with Emma and Jesse beside her on the handrail. The afternoon sun was still kind of high in the sky, giving Ellie’s hair a reddish glow. Dina winked, knowing she wouldn’t know it and looked away, focusing herself on the upcoming race. 

_“You'll be unstoppable at regionals.”_

She remembered Ellie last year, taping her hand so she could punch stuff at the kickboxing studio and then how she’d hugged her to hide her tears and it made her smile.

Some kids were getting ready for their race and then Coach G touched her shoulder, signaling her to go change. She’d already been nervous as they stretched, now that she was getting dressed she was shaking with anxiety.

Dina went away and came back in her track attire, the burgundy tank top and shorts over leggings, kicking the air to relax her muscles and get ready. She and the other runners stood over their starting blocks, putting their feet on the pedals and waiting for the gunshot.

Dina looked up, her hands steady on the ground. Her heartbeat slowed as she breathed in. She could do it. She raised her head, eyes on the track she’d run, completely concentrated. 

And with a loud snap, they were running.

Her feet hit the hard ground, pushing her body forward. Breathe in, breathe out. She looked around as she was gaining on the other girls, then forward again, focusing on keeping it that way.

They were on the last stretch, the track straight. She was first. She was gonna win.

And then it was over and she could hear the cheers, the crowd yelling and Coach G hugging her and Bonnie hugging her. And she knew she had said she’d win, but she was a bit shocked she actually did it.

Then her friends were down, halfway to the field, smiling and cheering. She walked to them, feeling their arms wrapping around her and hearing them congratulate her.

She felt a kiss on her hair and Ellie was there, smiling at her and Dina really wanted to kiss her.

“Guys,” she held Ellie’s hand for a second, “we have a thing to say,” they all looked at her with smiles on their faces, but her eyes were focused on Jesse, “me and Ellie are dating.”

They cheered, and Jesse’s eyes were shining. He high-fived Ellie, who looked really nervous for the whole ten seconds it took her to say that, and then she grinned too.

“Let’s go to the diner to celebrate!” Mike yelled and they all cheered, turning to their cars. Dina picked her bag and put her varsity jacket before holding Ellie’s hand.

_____

Dina closed the front door with care not to make a lot of noise. Her mom was probably awake waiting for her to arrive, but she didn’t like when Dina slammed the door closed.

But the TV was on, and she frowned as she let her bag fall and saw who was sitting on the couch.

Talia.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wasn’t going to miss your last race, sis,” she said, looking at her with a smile, “Someone just made the Almasi name famous.”

“It’s a high school race, Talia,” she said, moving to go upstairs and shower. She didn’t see her at the bleachers, but she hadn’t really looked for her either.

“Dina, wait,” Talia stood. It was dark and the only light source came from the TV. The blue light made her sister’s face look sad, worried. “Can I talk to you?”

“No,” she said. Her heart hurt, but Talia didn’t have anything to say she wanted to hear recently.

“Please Dina.” She sighed. “Look, I- After I left, I had some time to think. The Torah doesn’t really say anything about girls liking girls and I've been listening to Lionel Blue too-”

“Who?”

“He’s a gay rabbi,” Talia stepped closer, sitting the armrest in front of her, “my point is, I was wrong.”

She turned, really eyeing Talia now. Her hair was messy and the TV reflected on her glasses, but she sounded genuine. Regretful. Dina sighed, sitting at the steps. Should she give Talia another chance? It had pained her so much, to have her own sister turn her back to her, but she missed her.

“So you’re telling me you’re fine now?”

“Yeah,” she gave her a small smile. “God made us in his image and He makes no mistakes, Dina. You are who you are and you're my sister.” Talia stood, walking until she was standing in front of her. “I love you no matter what.”

She felt her eyes full of tears. All that sadness and emptiness for feeling alone, all that pain and suffering for thinking her family would always hate her, that they would never come around… 

Dina stood and Talia slowly moved to hug her. They held each other close, the embrace Dina hoped the first time she told her at Summer. Talia smelled like home, like soap and spices. She smelled like family and sisterhood.

“I’m sorry it took me this long to come around, sis,” Dina nodded.

“I’m glad you finally did.” Talia smiled and kissed the top of her head.

“You’re salty,” she pulled away, disgust on her face. “I can’t believe I just hugged you after your race. Go shower.”

Dina laughed, feeling lighter. It was almost like they were before, except now she hoped Talia would be beside her no matter what.


	36. Ellie - Think I’ll color this man father

“So we’re okay, right?” she asked again, because she needed to be sure and Jesse rolled his eyes.

“You and me? Yeah, of course. Dina and I are done,” he looked at her quickly before turning back to his TV. She was at Jesse’s, and they were playing against Emma and Lucas. Jesse was good and fast while Ellie played stealthily and set traps on the map.

“I know. I just didn't want you to think-”

“Ellie, we're cool. Promise,” he smiled, and she let out a breath she’d been holding.

“Thanks.”

She’d been nervous they’d change because she and Dina were dating, but nothing changed. She still helped him with Math and Jesse still invited her over to play. He was supportive, the best friend she could ask for.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, looking at her as she played. She shrugged, not sure what he was talking about, “I mean, remember when I found you after the graduation party last year?”

Oh no.

She was better. The dreams were worse during winter, but now that it was warmer she was sleeping better. A full night's sleep. And she kind of woke Joel up that one night and he scheduled an appointment with a therapist so she talked to a professional.

The lady was nice.

“I’m fine,” she looked at him quickly, “really.”

He hummed and for once she didn’t want silence to settle between them.

“Did you receive any letter yet?” she asked and saw a small smile appearing on his face.

“One or another. But it’s a bit too early, so I’m not that worried,” he sipped on his cup. “How about you?”

She hadn’t checked the mail in a long time, usually because it was just bills and Joel took care of that, but maybe now she should take a look at it more often, see if there was anything for her.

“Not yet,” they shrugged and she gave Jesse the controller. “But I haven’t checked the mailbox so I’m not sure.”

“What do you wanna do again?”

She never really told them exactly what she wanted to do, except Dina that afternoon in her room, and she still felt a bit self-conscious to say it. It sounded childish, to say she wanted to be an astronaut, didn’t it?

“Science program. Maybe Physics, I’m not a hundred-percent sure yet.”

“That’s cool,” he said and it reminded her of when Dina told her the same thing. She smiled remembering their first kiss. “You’re coming to prom this year, right?”

Oh yeah. Track season and prom always happened more or less together, and now that Dina’s race was over, the hunt for dresses and dates would start.

Honestly, her prom last year was perfect. She’d been home with Joel and they ate two bowls of popcorn watching 80s action movies, so she wasn’t sure how actually going to school would top that.

She was kind of sure, though, Dina would want to go and would like her to go as her date, “probably.”

“We can look for tuxes together,” he said and she looked at him, “what? Don’t tell me you want to look for a dress.”

Now that he said it like that, she actually preferred wearing a suit over a dress. She couldn’t even picture herself in a dress, let alone wear one.

“Fine.”

_____

“This looks terrible!” she groaned in the mirror. She looked absolutely ridiculous in that suit. 

“What’s wrong, kiddo?” Joel asked, arms crossed and leaning on the doorframe. She pointed to herself.

“All of this! I look like shit,” she started to unbutton the jacket. “Thank God prom is tomorrow so Jesse and I can still return this today.”

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” Joel said and she glared at him, “I mean, the idea was good, it just wasn’t fitted for you.”

She raised an eyebrow in shock. “What are you talking about? Joel, are you- are you a fancy man?”

“Shut up,” he scratched his beard looking around her room for a second, “I know a thing or two about suits. How do you think Tommy looked decent for his wedding?”

“Wow. Okay,” that was just too unexpected. She threw the jacket and the tie on the bed, then crossed her arms too, “so what do we do?”

“You return that ugly suit with Jesse and then we’ll look for a jacket that fits you,” he had a small smile under his greying beard. “Maybe from the kids section.”

She groaned, rolling her eyes and closing the door to change.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Jesse went by to collect and return the suit and Ellie and Joel went on a last-minute tux hunt. Unfortunately, Joel was right, and the jacket that fitted her better was from the kids-section of the thrift store.

She looked good in it, though.

“Told ya,” Joel said as they looked at her in the mirror. He had a proud smile on his face, and patted her shoulder.

“Guess going to all those balls at your time taught you a thing or two,” she smiled at him and he shook his head, hitting her lightly at the back of the head.

“Let’s go.”

They paid and Ellie was actually looking forward to prom. To wear her suit and seeing Dina’s reaction. Seeing Dina in her prom dress.

“Here,” Joel said, giving her a skinny tie as she finished buttoning up her shirt, “do you know how to tie it?”

“No…?”

He lifted her collar and fixed it for her, teaching her the motions. She had never seen him in a tie, ever, so she was quite surprised that he actually knew how to do it.

“Thanks, Joel,” he smiled at her. His hazel eyes were full of love and pride and maybe he’d be okay if she told him. She scratched her neck, her heart beating faster in her chest.

“Joel, you know that I’m going with Dina right?” he nodded, “but I’m going as Dina’s _date._ ‘Cause we’re going out.”

She held her breath as he stood there, doing absolutely nothing besides making her regret it. Then he wrapped his arms around her and she could breathe again. He wasn’t mad. He accepted her.

“She’s lucky to have you, Ellie,” he said with a smile, “I love you, kiddo.” Then he took a step back when a knock was heard.

“I think it’s time for you to go,” she nodded, slipping the suit jacket on and running in her socks to open the door.

Dina was standing there, in a beautiful maroon dress, her hair up and beautifully tied. She stepped inside, smiling at Ellie in her heels. She quickly looked at the corridor before pecking Ellie’s lips.

“You look gorgeous,” Ellie said, sitting on the couch to tie her shoes.

“I know. You don’t look bad either,” she winked before looking back and smiling at Joel, “hi Joel.”

“Dina,” he was leaning on the corridor wall, looking at them with a sly smile. Ellie groaned, feeling double embarrassed now that he knew it.

“Goodbye, Joel,” she said, pushing Dina through the door and taking her keys.

“Have fun!” he managed before she slammed the door shut.

Dina slipped her hand into hers and she took a second to notice her heart was still wild in her chest. She’d done it, kind of. She’d come out to Joel, and he had accepted her. He didn’t hate her or anything. He wouldn’t undo the adoption.

“Why are you smiling?”

“I told Joel we’re dating,” Ellie said as she slipped into the passenger's seat, “he was fine with it, he said he loves me.”

Dina leaned over, hugging her and kissing her cheek.

“I’m so happy for you,” Dina’s eyes were shining and Ellie kissed her, because she could and because she was too happy not to.

“Me too. Let’s go.”

She felt happy because Joel accepted her, but a part of her felt sad for Dina, because she deserved it too.

They picked Lucas and Bonnie up before driving to school. The gym was lit and decorated in white and a very light blue and everything looked like it was glass or maybe ice. The student council thing had done quite a good job at it, because the gymnasium had a major Winter Ball vibe.

“We’re looking good,” Lucas said to her as he looked around for Emma, “they’re lucky to be our dates.”

It was a fun night. They sat at a table and talked, drinking and eating and it was absolutely peaceful. Jesse danced fast songs with Dina and when a slow ballad came, she gathered up all her courage to invite her to the dance floor again.

Dina’s hands were on her neck, keeping her close, while hers were on Dina’s waist. Everytime she was close Ellie felt her heart jumping, beating twice as fast and strong in her chest. Dina kissed her cheek and she held her closer still.

She felt happy and in peace for the first time in a long time.

_____

Ellie had her guitar on her lap, mindlessly playing some old song Joel’d taught her. Prom had been fun, Jesse had no problem with them dating and Joel accepted her. Things were going great with Dina and now she only had to receive a letter from a college and everything would be fine.

She kept playing, remembering the first few days when Joel had gifted her the guitar, how she’d thought she was terrible at it, and how patient Joel had been. Saying it was just a matter of building calluses, and he’d been right.

Joel taught her to swim too, and she smiled at the memory of him pushing her from the small cliff into the river, how proud of himself he’d been.

How could she have doubted he would accept her? It was always there.

He was always there for her.

And she knew he would be for as long as he could.


	37. Ellie - I never dreamed I’d meet somebody like you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beware: hornyness ahead. proceed with caution.

She put on a nice pair of jeans and a shirt before picking up a flannel and slipping into it. She wanted to look nice for Dina’s birthday party, even though she had already seen her with her least flattering clothes.

Joel was sitting on the sofa drinking his coffee and reading a book when she passed him on her way through the door. He had his feet on top of the coffee table, a terrible habit, really.

“Give her my happy birthday wishes, Ellie,” he said and she nodded, quickly tying her sneakers. 

“Will do, old man,” she picked her keys and he told her to take care before she nodded and closed the door behind her, running down to Jesse’s car.

Jesse had offered to pick her up because Bonnie’s house was quite far, really at the edges of Jackson, so she was carpooling with him and Lucas to get there. She felt like her home was close to Dina’s, but Jesse’s turning around to pick Lucas up first left her just a little lost.

“Did you guys get her something?” She asked, and they nodded. Lucas got her a book and Jesse bought her a box of fancy chocolate.

She nodded, feeling nervous about it. She held the poorly wrapped present in her hands, tapping her feet to the floor. What if Dina didn’t like her present? It wasn’t an expensive gift in any form, but it was cute. Or so she hoped.

Jesse parked the car and they got out. Bonnie’s house was lit and she could faintly hear the music, the low bass getting carried to them. They walked up the steps together, and were immediately hit by the smell of alcohol and a lot of bodies packed together.

They walked around, looking for Dina. Ellie was familiar with most kids there now, and she nodded at some of them in her search. It was hot inside, but she endured it, making her way to the kitchen.

“Jesus, I almost thought I was at the wrong party,” she said as she finally saw Dina, and the sound of her voice brought a smile to her lips. Dina walked to her, a red cup on her hand and the other on Ellie’s arm as she kissed her lips.

“You guys were the slow ones,” she shrugged, snaking her hand around Ellie’s waist.

“Here, I got this for you,” Ellie said, scratching the back of her neck as her skin grew hot. This was it. The moment of truth.

Dina took the wrapped paper from her hands, tearing through it to reveal a picture. It was both of them at the Halloween party as they danced outside. Emma had sent her the picture, though she didn’t tell her when she took it. The quality was surprisingly good, and you could clearly see their happy faces through the makeup.

“Who took this!?” Dina asked, a huge grin on her face. She threw her arms around Ellie's neck, hugging her and kissing her, “thank you, babe.”

“You’re welcome,” she kissed her once, letting her own hand rest on the small of Dina’s back.

It was fun to be with her friends and celebrate Dina. She was bright, smiling and talking to everyone; and she looked beautiful too, her dark hair up in a ponytail and her light dress. She was the centre of Ellie’s attention, pulling her eyes to her smaller frame every time she entered a room. 

She looked really good with her hair up and Ellie was loving the way she could see her legs and the way the dress hugged her body...

Ellie sat on a table outside with Jesse, Emma and Lucas. Mike was inside with some other kids from the football team and Bonnie was doing shots with a girl from their Chemistry class. She drank from a red cup, the alcohol keeping her warm and relaxed.

‘That’s obviously not how it happened,” Lucas said, his cheeks faintly red as Emma eyed him, a bad contained smile on her lips and a teasing glint on her eyes. “Plus, it’s not my fault it was really hot and she didn’t tell me the roller coaster was that fast.”

It was nice and it got better when she felt Dina’s warm hands sliding around her waist from behind and her cheek pressed against hers.

“I just saw Bonnie drink four shots and then dare Maggie on a race out to the fence and back,” she said, and they laughed, picturing how ridiculous that will certainly look like and immediately piquing everyone’s interest to see how it’ll turn out. Then she lowered her voice, whispering into Ellie’s ear, “you know, maybe we could go up.”

“Why-oh,” Dina rolled her eyes, pulling her to her feet and guiding her up the stairs and into an empty bedroom. “Please tell me this isn’t her parents room.”

Dina chuckled, closing the door and leaning against it, “It’s not,” she said, her hands on Ellie’s jeans, tugging her closer until they were chest to chest. 

Her own hands were resting on Dina’s hips as she looked down at her. Her dark brown eyes, the freckles on her cheeks, her full lips. She’d been wanting to really kiss her since she stepped into this house and the anticipation was killing her.

So she gave in, leaning down and catching Dina’s lips with hers. She tasted like alcohol and soda, her lips sweet and hot. 

Dina’s parted her lips, her tongue sweeping inside Ellie’s mouth slowly. It made her remember their kiss at New Years, the fireworks above them and inside her chest each time Dina’s lips were on hers.

Ellie slid her hands up Dina’s sides, settling them on her waist as she pressed herself against Dina, trapping her between Ellie’s body and the door. She could feel Dina’s teasing smile on her lips, her hands burning against the skin on her neck.

Dina’s kisses were insistent, hot and hungry, and she deepened the kiss as she pushed Ellie back until the back of her legs hit the bed and they tumbled back onto the mattress.

“Ouch,” Ellie says, one hand still on Dina’s hips but the other now rubbing her forehead where they bumped heads. “You got a really thick-skull.”

“You tell me about it,” she has one of her hands on the mattress beside Ellie’s head, the other touching her own forehead too, “you just headbutted me.”

She grinned, raising one eyebrow, “No, _you_ did.”

Ellie let her hands fall to Dina’s thighs on each side of her legs, running them up toned muscles. She watched Dina’s face, her half-hooded eyes as she inhaled and rested a hand on Ellie’s collarbone. As she leaned down again, kissing her.

Teeth scrape her bottom lip and Ellie nips back a moment later, her hands squeezing at Dina’s hips, making her release a quiet moan. Dina’s hips grind down on her, and Ellie kisses her cheek before trailing down her neck.

Dina smells like soap and hibiscus, her skin soft under her lips. She starts just under her jaw, leaving open mouthed kisses all the way down to her collarbone. The fast beating of her heart is drowning out the bass from the music downstairs and all there is is Dina.

Dina’s warm hands as she slipped them under the hem of Ellie’s T-shirt, over taut muscle and making Ellie shiver. The smell of Dina's shampoo intoxicating her, Dina’s soft sighs as Ellie kisses down her neck.

Dina pulls back a little, her hands on Ellie’s stomach keeping her down as she hoovers, looking down on her. Her lips are reddened, her face is flushed under her freckles, her hair is messy, and she looks _so_ hot. Ellie’s hand slide back to her thighs, resting there. Or rather not resting completely as she can’t help but move her thumbs over her skin.

“Ellie,” she breathes out, her voice low and raspy. Charged and it makes Ellie swallow hard. Dina licks her lips and Ellie’s gaze follows her mouth, follows every little movement of her.

Ellie flips them over, settling herself between Dina’s legs and dipping down to kiss her. “Yes?” She pecks at her lips, smiling as she keeps Dina from answering.

Dina’s hands travel up her back, under her shirt and she drags her nails down softly, sending jolts of electricity all over her skin and making her gasp, arousal pooling at the bottom of her stomach. Her own hands grip Dina’s waist, in a weak attempt of grounding herself.

She deepens the kiss, feeling Dina’s fingers dig at her waist, pulling her close. Everything inside her is hot, like the alcohol has been ignited by Dina’s kisses. Her skin burns under her touch, but it’s the only thing keeping her from turning to ash.

Ellie runs her hand up her sides, letting her hand rest on Dina’s ribcage, her fingers splayed over her dress and her thumb pointing towards her heart. She feels as Dina’s breath hitches and she tugs at Ellie’s open flannel.

“You know, I could think of another birthday present,” Dina teases, and her breathing is heavy, pulling at Ellie’s heartstrings.

“Can you?” she teases back, tracing down her neck with the tip of her nose. Ellie leaves tiny kisses on her skin, at the hollow of her throat, over her collarbone. “What is it?”

But Dina doesn’t really answer at first, her hands still under her shirt, riding it up her torso, hooded eyes glued to the patch of skin she can see. Ellie smiles, dipping back down to kiss her again.

Adrenaline is running in her veins at every touch of their lips, at every brush of their tongues. Dina’s fingers are on the small of her back now, trailing up and down her spine, and Ellie’s hand moves up just a bit, and all it takes it’s a sweep of her thumb and bit of pressure to make Dina’s back arch and her release a sigh.

“Hey Dina, do you want to cut your cake-” Lucas’s voice cuts through their haze as he opens the door. He sees them then immediately closes the door again. “You know, we have cake downstairs if you guys are interested.”

Ellie’s neck is burning and she can feel Dina shaking with laughter under her. She pushes her shoulder lightly, and both of them stand, straightening their clothes.

“You should have seen his face,” Dina says, tying her hair up and sliding her hand into Ellie’s. “I think we scarred him for life.”

Ellie shakes her head, feeling frustrated and embarrassed. But Dina presses a quick kiss to her cheek, pulling her out the door with the promise of cake.

_____

“Are those the same clothes from yesterday?” Dina asks, one eyebrow raised as she gets on her tiptoes to press a kiss to Ellie’s cheek.

Ellie huffs, closing her locker, “they’re clean!”

Dina chuckles beside her, leading the way to Mr. Moore’s class.

"No judgement."

There's a silence between them, short as Ellie tries to decide what to say - does she think it's bad that she's still in the same clothes? But Dina's tone was more amused than anything.

"It's school, you know. We're here to study, not to look fancy."

"Still look nice," she says, making Ellie groan.

"Thank you?"

Dina laughs, and Ellie can't help but stare at her half closed eyes, the way her thick eyebrows rise and her heart skips a beat at her smile. It's easy to see why Dina's popular, how she's probably everyone's crush: smart, captain of the track field and gorgeous?

How did Ellie get so lucky?

"I can't believe school is ending," Dina says as they walk to English. "I remember when you arrived last year," she starts, smirking a little, "you sulked _so much."_

"I don't sulk," Ellie mumbles.

"Yes, you do. And you were worse before," she teases, that little crooked smile pulling at her lips, making Ellie’s heart skip a beat in her chest.

"That's impossible," Jesse pipes in from behind them, his hair longer now, almost like a mullet. "I'd say she sulks more now."

Ellie punches his arm as both of her friends laugh, and she just feels... happy. Like everything has fallen back into its place: Joel knowing about her and accepting her, Jesse's calm and supporting stance, Dina's wit and her loyalty.

"Shut up, Jesse," she says, but the corner of her mouth twists up anyways, just a little, just enough to betray her.

“He’s right, you know,” Dina says, that infuriating glint on her eyes, “and when I first met you I thought you were weird and annoying.”

Both Ellie and Jesse look down at Dina, waiting for her to continue, but she just looks at them, straight-faced.

“And…?”

“And you are,” she deadpans, and Jesse laughs a hearty laugh, attracting the stares of some underclassmen.

“Fuck you,” Ellie says, her face serious but her eyes have the same playful shine on them. And Dina chuckles, her eyes growing softer as she stands on her tiptoes to press a kiss to her cheek.

“Don’t worry, you will,” she whispers, her breath warm against Ellie’s skin. And it’s suddenly too much - Dina’s body pressed against hers, her breath tickling her cheeks as she chuckles way too seductively for a morning in school. Her face and her neck feel like they’re burning.

Her mouth hangs open as she stares in shock into Dina’s brown eyes. Dina’s brown eyes that are now closed as she laughs at Ellie’s face.

“Your face!” She wipes a little tear from the corner of her eye, dodging as Ellie playfully shoves her, face carefully-made blank.

“What the fuck, Dina,” she says exhasperated, but Dina only links their hands together as they enter Mr. Moore’s classroom. Jesse waves at them, walking to his class.

“Language, Ms. Williams,” he says from his desk, not even bothering from looking up from his paper.

She scrunches her nose a little bit, sitting on the very back with Dina by her side. There’s only a few kids inside, so Dina scoots closer, her eyes suddenly serious.

“You know, I’ve been wanting to ask,” she starts, “how’re things with the psychologist?”

There’s this way that Dina looks at her, gentle and caring, that makes her feel like she’s staring into her soul. It makes Ellie look away for a second, holding her gaze being too heavy.

“It’s fine. We talked about my trial. David’s trial.” She shrugs, like it doesn’t matter. Like it didn’t give her nightmares for years.

“What happened?”

It felt like Dina was trying to open the little box of hidden memories Ellie carefully put away. The Pandora box she has that only Joel knows about, that whispers the demons she tried to keep away into her dreams.

And Ellie, being Ellie, wanted to shy away from her questions, wanted to sit on top of the box and pretend it didn’t even exist - even if she knew Dina could see through her anyway.

 _“Try to open up. You have to talk about things, Ellie,”_ the therapist had said.

Fuck it.

“I was in trial because, you know, I stabbed him,” she says in a low voice as more kids start to enter the classroom. “He was in trial because- well you know why.”

Dina nods, her soft palm over Ellie’s hand. _I am here._

“I testified and then some kids did it too.” She shrugs again, looking away at the other kids talking and laughing a couple of feet away, “but then me and Joel moved here and David went to prison.”

“Wow,” she says, softly, squeezing her hand. “So you inspired the others?”

“What? You don’t think I look inspiring?” Ellie says, raising an eyebrow. 

“Oh, I do. Very inspiring,” Dina says, her eyes glinting again, “you inspire me to kick your ass every day.”

And just like that Ellie’s laughing and the weight of the conversation is mostly gone. Just like that Ellie can pretend she didn’t let Dina peek inside her box, that everything is as it was before.

“You’re _very_ annoying.”

“It takes one to know one,” Dina says, sticking her tongue out. “So you were in a courthouse?” 

Her tone is curious, playful. Ellie shrugs, frowning a little.

“Just this one time.”

“You’re telling me you never got in trouble in Boston?”

“Oh, I got in trouble… Just never landed in a courthouse,” she says, one eyebrow raising slightly, and Dina stares at her - even opens her mouth to say something when the bell rings and she has to put her chair back, move away and take her binder and pay attention to Mr. Moore.

“I can’t believe that,” is the last thing she manages, just as Mr. Moore stares at her.

Dina doesn’t say anything about it during lunch, or after class when they go to Ellie’s house to watch movies. But Ellie catches her staring at her through the corner of her eye, always looking away a second before she can catch her.

“Why do you keep staring at me?”

“Nothing. It’s just,” she inhales, “I hate that that happened to you, and I’m glad he’s in prison,” Dina pauses, her eyes fleeting around Ellie’s face, “But thank you for telling me.”

And she can’t help but raise her eyebrows in surprise. Being thanked for talking? She should be thanking Dina, for listening, shouldn’t she?

But Dina only snuggles closer, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder and kissing the back of the hand draped around her. 

Maybe her therapist was right; maybe talking wasn’t as bad. Maybe by releasing a demon at a time, she could fight it with someone, until there was no box needed anymore.

She rested her cheek on top of Dina’s head, feeling the warmth of her body beside hers. Maybe everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming from the Abyss to post and back to it I go. I hope you guys are well and staying safe out there.   
> Happy reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> As a Brazilian, I have no idea how the american education system works, so I'm just bullshitting my way into it, I guess.
> 
> Your comments add 5 years to my lifespan, thank you all :)
> 
> Feel free to start a conversation with me on tumblr if you'd like: https://jamisnotonheaven.tumblr.com/ 💖


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